Awesome Nick! We are still laughin'..
A guy at work pulled the Steven Wright site... here are some of his...
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]
This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it]...gutter...
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."
I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.."
"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old."
"I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing."
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
"I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot."
"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'."
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
"I lost a button hole today."
"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."
"I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator."
"When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually....."
"Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."
"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."
"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug..."
"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."
"Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was..."
"He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..."
"I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again..."
"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."