Cookin..........nice first post.
You backing him .........or does your stingray do 200?
Today is the last day for the challenge isn't it???
Has he been a no-show so far???
The Jersey Redneck Piney Press
SPECIAL REPORT – ON LOCATION WITH PINEY COUNTY LAW ENFORCEMENT!
Toms River NJ – July 16th 2008: BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!
Rich “KING OF THE PINEYS” Cole, has made some serious accusations during the last 24hrs. Rich was found to be bragging that cell phone records had been subpoenaed and it has been allegedly confirmed that threats were made to the “legend in his own mind racer.”
This morning the Forever Bother Italians Agency “aka’ FBI” placed a call to Piney County Prosecutors Office. The agency reported that they believed they had a credible witness that stated he was told by King Piney himself that he had illegal copies of cell phone records. Shortly after the call, the Head Prosecutor called Capt. Johnson N. Johnson, the head of the Toiletry Weapons Assault Team “aka’ T.W.A.T.” and advised that a breach was needed at Dixieland “Lake X of NJ” Marina this evening. Fortunately for me, the Jersey Redneck Piney Press was invited for a ride along!
Capt. Johnson N. Johnson assembled his team at an undisclosed “Johnny On The Spot” Warehouse and they suited up for the breach. Capt. Johnson N. Johnson passed the latst in T.W.A.T Gear. Super Soakers filled with Masengil Douche Vineger & Water, Tactical Fly Paper Vests, Waders and Freshly picked and carved Watermelon Helmets.
Jimmy Smith: Ummmmmmm Captain what are the Super Soakers for? Shouldn’t you be using some H&K MP5’s instead?
Capt. Johnson N. Johnson: Naaaaaaaaa we went non-lethal a while ago. The Vinegar and Water burns the crap out of their eyes when they are hit with it.
Jimmy Smith: And what about fly paper covered vests and waders???
Capt. Johnson N. Johnson: Son, you ever seen the green head flies down here during the day?
Jimmy Smith: Yes I have.
Capt. Johnson N. Johnson: Well they are 10x worse at night so fly paper body armor is necessary!
Jimmy Smith: And the Watermelon Carved Helmets?
Capt. Johnson N. Johnson: They were left over from last nights vodka and watermelon party and we left our Kevlar helmets back home.
Jimmy Smith: Ohhhhhhhhhh I see.
As the team was finished suiting up, they were all instructed that they needed to secure the suspects and evidence with any force deemed necessary!
A few seconds later a Pappa John’s Delivery truck pulled up and we all proceeded to pile in and head down to “Lake X of NJ” Marina where Rich “KING OF THE PINEYS” Cole was last seen.
As we pulled up to the marina, the sun had already set and there was no moon out to light the dark lightless marina. We all piled out of the Pappa John’s Delivery truck and quietly snuck up to the warehouse door that houses the “Not a shot in hell World Champion – Tripple Digits.”
Quietly out of the woods more T.W.A.T members quietly rolled (2) 55 gallon drums and up to the door and behind it Flats AIR Boat with a huge prop on the back.
I asked Capt. Johnson N. Johnson what exactly all of this was?
Capt. Johnson N. Johnson replied “this is our version of a FLASH BANG except we call it a BANG FLASH! 2 drums of white baby powder and a 200hp airboat engine and propeller. First there is the bang of the sledge hammer on the barn door and then there is the white flash cloud that turns the whole place into one big white cloud within seconds. Pretty impressive huh?”
Capt. Johnson N. Johnson then said to his team: “One the count of 4, we’re goin in!”
“One……..two………….three……..WE’RE COMMIN TO GET YA KING PINEY!!!.....FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!”
Next came the bang of the sledge hammer, the doors flew open and within seconds, nothing could be seen including the suspects of the evidence!
As the smoke cleared, King Piney could be seen running across his shop floor with a can of Old Milwaukee in one hand and a roll of toilet paper in the other! Also unfortunately seen was the “plumbers crack” that was in clear view as well.
As the T.W.A.T Members chased King Piney into the Men’s room they blasted the floor with their Super Soakers and King Piney went sliding into the corner like a slapshot during the last 5 seconds of an ice hockey game!
Quickly………the roll of toilet paper was wrestled out of his hands and examined. There appeared to be names of people, along with nick names of people such as DaveP, DollaBill, Bluellama and more…….
When interrogated and asked about the toilet paper with the names written scribbled on there……….Rich answered “those are my phone records and a list of suspects that called and threatened me.”
Capt. Johnson N. Johnson said “we have credible evidence that you told someone that you had someone subpoena cell phone records.”
KING PINEY: “Wellsir…………it was just a little white lie. Never meant to get anyone mad.”
Capt. Johnson N. Johnson: “Just like the claims you have made that your little blue boat there does 100+ mph when it only does 87.1mph?”
KING PINEY: “How do you know that?”
Capt. Johnson N. Johnson: “Offshoreonly.com son. Everybody’s on there!”
After an extensive search no cell phone records were found other than the fabricated records contained on a roll of toilet paper.
As the T.W.A.T members gathered there things and packed up to leave, Capt. Johnson N. Johnson gave some parting words of advice: “Son, you don’t need to be bullsh*t’in everyone about the speed of your boat. Just go out and have some fun! And by the way, pick up your pants because everyone, even you know that CRACK KILLS!!”
Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice job Dave , the movie is in the worx
That may be the Piney Press's finest Special Report ever......
LOL Maybe with some medical treatment, TD can assume his rightful identity as DD, River Racer.
Dave you are kill'n me with this stuff
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