OT: Darwin Awards - Long, but Funny
06-04-2002, 03:57 PM
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OT: Darwin Awards - Long, but Funny
People do the damnist things.... > >
It's that time again. You all know about the Darwin Awards - >It's an annual honour given to persons who did the gene pool the >biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily >stupid way. > >
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke >machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip >a free soda out of it. He was drunk at the time. His mother is now >suing the Coke company for millions.
Now, this year's nominees are: > > >
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting >drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, >mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him >ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting >explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and >his sister. > >
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of >his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was >approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a >pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's >wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a school girl's uniform look. > >He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister >removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the >hose was connected to a one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. >12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted >into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his >suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances >of his death to his family very awkward. > >
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at >low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they >decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of >their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage >with >their pants around their ankles. > >
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had >no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his >father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man >face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check >for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. >After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared >dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of >the >couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. >Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. >Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, >down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper >removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm >the >discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him. > >
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a >highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring >her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, >this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the >fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key >ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. >In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, >the woman lost her own. > >
4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he >tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad >trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, >taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, >anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped >and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said >investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. >"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the >distance between the trestle and the ground, " Carmichael said. >Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma." > >
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems >that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the >rattlesnake as a ball. The friend no doubt a future Darwin Awards >candidate -- was hospitalised. > >
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas >noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the >building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, >power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians >from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, >they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their >frustration, >none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of >one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an >object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the >lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending >pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the >technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the >explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had >never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers. > >
And now the winner... The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a >pile of smouldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising >above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the >site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was >unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it >was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow >gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off--actually a solid >fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an >extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his >Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long and straight stretch >of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up >some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be >determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO >ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash >site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted >asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would >have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the >Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing >at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon >to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually >reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing >him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, >the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles >(15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the >brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road >surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and >impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened >crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not >recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were >extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards >were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the >steering wheel. Epilogue: It has been speculated that this moron nearly >reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph. > >
Voila, that's it for another year. As long as people do dumb >assed things there will always be an undying list of candidates for >this, the most prestigious of awards for outstanding achievements.
It's that time again. You all know about the Darwin Awards - >It's an annual honour given to persons who did the gene pool the >biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily >stupid way. > >
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke >machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip >a free soda out of it. He was drunk at the time. His mother is now >suing the Coke company for millions.
Now, this year's nominees are: > > >
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting >drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, >mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him >ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting >explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and >his sister. > >
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of >his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was >approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a >pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's >wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a school girl's uniform look. > >He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister >removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the >hose was connected to a one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. >12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted >into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his >suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances >of his death to his family very awkward. > >
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at >low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they >decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of >their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage >with >their pants around their ankles. > >
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had >no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his >father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man >face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check >for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. >After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared >dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of >the >couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. >Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. >Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, >down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper >removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm >the >discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him. > >
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a >highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring >her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, >this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the >fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key >ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. >In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, >the woman lost her own. > >
4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he >tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad >trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, >taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, >anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped >and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said >investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. >"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the >distance between the trestle and the ground, " Carmichael said. >Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma." > >
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems >that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the >rattlesnake as a ball. The friend no doubt a future Darwin Awards >candidate -- was hospitalised. > >
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas >noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the >building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, >power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians >from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, >they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their >frustration, >none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of >one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an >object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the >lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending >pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the >technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the >explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had >never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers. > >
And now the winner... The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a >pile of smouldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising >above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the >site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was >unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it >was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow >gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off--actually a solid >fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an >extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his >Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long and straight stretch >of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up >some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be >determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO >ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash >site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted >asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would >have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the >Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing >at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon >to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually >reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing >him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, >the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles >(15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the >brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road >surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and >impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened >crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not >recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were >extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards >were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the >steering wheel. Epilogue: It has been speculated that this moron nearly >reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph. > >
Voila, that's it for another year. As long as people do dumb >assed things there will always be an undying list of candidates for >this, the most prestigious of awards for outstanding achievements.
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