New EPA Regulations for Powerboats
03-13-2012, 09:59 AM
#1
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Gold MemberThread Starter
New EPA Regulations for Powerboats
The “new” Environmental Protection Agency (under the Obama administration) has just proposed new environmental rules for “Offshore Powerboats.” The intent of these new rules is to “significantly reduce the serious negative impacts that offshore powerboats have on the surrounding environment.” Negative effects noted in the proposed regulations include the generation of greenhouse gases, excessive noise, harm to cute little sea creatures and something called “loose women.”
EPA spokesperson Gladys Flubberscam-Cowdung unveiled the proposed regulations today at a news conference packed with tree huggers, er, I mean environmentally conscious concerned citizens. Highlights of the proposed regulations include an outright ban of internal combustion engines by 2014. The proposed regulations state that “Sufficient technology exists to adequately power this type of boat for reasonable distances at an acceptable cost.” When quizzed as to what all of that meant, Gladys said that internal EPA studies had concluded that current owners of this type of craft are not using their boats to commute back and forth to work. Instead, they are using them “purely for personal pleasure and thus do not need anywhere near the range or speed of their current boats.” Granola bars fell to the floor as supporters rose to cheer.
When a reporter asked what types of power plants would be allowed under the regulations, Gladys shared several fancy PowerPoint slides (reproduced on recycled paper) that proved electric motors with battery packs would “more than adequately propel the cutting edge new hull designs that will come with this glorious new technology.” In fact Gladys showed a working 1/10th scale prototype in a small pool that appeared to work just fine – although it did look surprisingly like a toy tugboat. In fact when asked about the resemblance, Gladys offered that internal EPA studies had also shown that since current powerboats were used for pleasure – which is bad - future designs would only have to travel at speeds approaching 5 MPH because “too much pleasure is bad.” Not only will these lower speeds be safer for occupants and cute little sea creatures, but current hull designs using steps and air entrapment will no longer be needed. And just think of what freeing all of that entrapped air will do for the environment!
Another important section of the regulations is devoted to the “proper disposal of human waste” from said powerboats. Gladys shared four more PowerPoint slides graphically showing males “disposing of liquid waste directly over the side” of their sometimes moving powerboats. “Not only does this practice irrevocably damage the environment, but the safety of other crew members is also compromised” offered Gladys. When one reporter tried to note that “Fish pee and poop directly into the sea too,” he was quickly ushered out a side door.
Instead, the new regulations propose that all human waste be properly disposed of using solar powered “waste catalysts.” Although still in early development, these promising devices will turn all human waste into “biologically neutral compounds that can safely be returned directly to the sea as fish food.” The biggest hurdle in the development of these devices is apparently the size and weight, but Gladys was confident that “further development will reduce these devices to less than 4,000 pounds.” There is also a minor issue around fish complaining that the processed food “tastes like s__t,” but that was dismissed by Gladys as irrelevant.
Finally, the proposed regulations aim to “once and for all (in Gladys words) stomp out loose women dancing provocatively in skimpy bathing suits on the sun decks of these evil craft.” Gladys voice rose to a shrill screech as she described the horrendous effects that such behavior was having on the already fragile environment. Gladys then showed even more PowerPoint slides detailing exhausting internal EPA studies secretly carried out at Lake Havasu and other “hot spots” of activity by devoted EPA staffers over a 3 year period. These studies proved “beyond a shadow of a doubt” that these loose women were generating high levels of positive ions in relatively small areas which then caused newly discovered subatomic particles called morons to invade the brains of nearby males – causing them to do silly things.” (Peeing over the side being the least of them.) Although none of the staffers involved in the study were available to present because “they had all succumbed and married floosies,” Gladys noted that this just furthered the findings. And so the proposed regulations include detailed tables showing “minimum swim suit coverage per square meter of female.” Also proposed is a table of colors acceptable to the EPA with the hideous bright colors of the past banished in favor of more soothing hues. Accompanying tables also detail what levels Frank Sinatra tunes can safely be played at.
As with all new regulations proposed for our own good under the Obama administration, comments will be accepted by the EPA in written form up until the day before last Wednesday. If no credible issues are surfaced in the generous comment period, the rules will go into effect the last Wednesday.
EPA spokesperson Gladys Flubberscam-Cowdung unveiled the proposed regulations today at a news conference packed with tree huggers, er, I mean environmentally conscious concerned citizens. Highlights of the proposed regulations include an outright ban of internal combustion engines by 2014. The proposed regulations state that “Sufficient technology exists to adequately power this type of boat for reasonable distances at an acceptable cost.” When quizzed as to what all of that meant, Gladys said that internal EPA studies had concluded that current owners of this type of craft are not using their boats to commute back and forth to work. Instead, they are using them “purely for personal pleasure and thus do not need anywhere near the range or speed of their current boats.” Granola bars fell to the floor as supporters rose to cheer.
When a reporter asked what types of power plants would be allowed under the regulations, Gladys shared several fancy PowerPoint slides (reproduced on recycled paper) that proved electric motors with battery packs would “more than adequately propel the cutting edge new hull designs that will come with this glorious new technology.” In fact Gladys showed a working 1/10th scale prototype in a small pool that appeared to work just fine – although it did look surprisingly like a toy tugboat. In fact when asked about the resemblance, Gladys offered that internal EPA studies had also shown that since current powerboats were used for pleasure – which is bad - future designs would only have to travel at speeds approaching 5 MPH because “too much pleasure is bad.” Not only will these lower speeds be safer for occupants and cute little sea creatures, but current hull designs using steps and air entrapment will no longer be needed. And just think of what freeing all of that entrapped air will do for the environment!
Another important section of the regulations is devoted to the “proper disposal of human waste” from said powerboats. Gladys shared four more PowerPoint slides graphically showing males “disposing of liquid waste directly over the side” of their sometimes moving powerboats. “Not only does this practice irrevocably damage the environment, but the safety of other crew members is also compromised” offered Gladys. When one reporter tried to note that “Fish pee and poop directly into the sea too,” he was quickly ushered out a side door.
Instead, the new regulations propose that all human waste be properly disposed of using solar powered “waste catalysts.” Although still in early development, these promising devices will turn all human waste into “biologically neutral compounds that can safely be returned directly to the sea as fish food.” The biggest hurdle in the development of these devices is apparently the size and weight, but Gladys was confident that “further development will reduce these devices to less than 4,000 pounds.” There is also a minor issue around fish complaining that the processed food “tastes like s__t,” but that was dismissed by Gladys as irrelevant.
Finally, the proposed regulations aim to “once and for all (in Gladys words) stomp out loose women dancing provocatively in skimpy bathing suits on the sun decks of these evil craft.” Gladys voice rose to a shrill screech as she described the horrendous effects that such behavior was having on the already fragile environment. Gladys then showed even more PowerPoint slides detailing exhausting internal EPA studies secretly carried out at Lake Havasu and other “hot spots” of activity by devoted EPA staffers over a 3 year period. These studies proved “beyond a shadow of a doubt” that these loose women were generating high levels of positive ions in relatively small areas which then caused newly discovered subatomic particles called morons to invade the brains of nearby males – causing them to do silly things.” (Peeing over the side being the least of them.) Although none of the staffers involved in the study were available to present because “they had all succumbed and married floosies,” Gladys noted that this just furthered the findings. And so the proposed regulations include detailed tables showing “minimum swim suit coverage per square meter of female.” Also proposed is a table of colors acceptable to the EPA with the hideous bright colors of the past banished in favor of more soothing hues. Accompanying tables also detail what levels Frank Sinatra tunes can safely be played at.
As with all new regulations proposed for our own good under the Obama administration, comments will be accepted by the EPA in written form up until the day before last Wednesday. If no credible issues are surfaced in the generous comment period, the rules will go into effect the last Wednesday.
03-13-2012, 10:27 AM
#2
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Laugh Hard Then Vote accordingly!!
LMFHO
Even as crazy satirical this announcement is, we must realize that the current Obama administration and gravey train beauracrats at the EPA are thinking right along those lines and would place such requiremnts in place right now if they HAD THEIR WAY!
Best Regards,
Ray @ Raylar
Even as crazy satirical this announcement is, we must realize that the current Obama administration and gravey train beauracrats at the EPA are thinking right along those lines and would place such requiremnts in place right now if they HAD THEIR WAY!
Best Regards,
Ray @ Raylar
03-13-2012, 10:34 AM
#3
Registered
The performance marine industry has already addressed the EPA issue with:
http://ilmor.com/en/marine/performance/MV8-570.aspx
Take that Mercury.
http://ilmor.com/en/marine/performance/MV8-570.aspx
Take that Mercury.
03-13-2012, 10:43 AM
#5
Hilarious!! Well written - and I needed a good laugh today! 
But let me echo this: YOU ARE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR.
And just like the preacher at my church says on Sunday, "Get out of your confort zone and approach those with differing beliefs and tell then about the truth you have found", we need to do exactly that with our friends and acquaintances regarding boating and fuel matters. If we don't, the media will win.
But let me echo this: YOU ARE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR.
And just like the preacher at my church says on Sunday, "Get out of your confort zone and approach those with differing beliefs and tell then about the truth you have found", we need to do exactly that with our friends and acquaintances regarding boating and fuel matters. If we don't, the media will win.
Platinum Member
03-13-2012, 04:08 PM
#7
Gold Member
Gold MemberThread Starter
The performance marine industry has already addressed the EPA issue with:
http://ilmor.com/en/marine/performance/MV8-570.aspx
Take that Mercury.
http://ilmor.com/en/marine/performance/MV8-570.aspx
Take that Mercury.
03-13-2012, 04:48 PM
#8
Registered
What are you saying ----I can't carry all those loose women with me in their tiny swim suits when I go boating ?????????? Break out the heavy 151 liquids!!!! Electric motors?? Solar panels? Wind Mills? ....Im the greenest guy I know since 1981... Avast Ya Swabs Lake Erie has just been declared a Free Zone----What the hell are you guys talking about?????
Jim
Jim
03-13-2012, 05:30 PM
#9
Screw it! I'm movin to Mexico where they don't care what you do to the environment as long as you can grease a few palms!
But wait, on a serious note, isn't that kinda messed up that I would have more rights and freedoms in a foreign country?
But wait, on a serious note, isn't that kinda messed up that I would have more rights and freedoms in a foreign country?
