Wardey

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Wardey

T’was the night before Christmas, and God it was neat —
the kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat!
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
it was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
that I lost my big boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt!

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
a sock in his ear, and a bra on his head!

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
He did yell to his team, but it didn't sound right:

‘‘Whoa ****head, whoa *******, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts!
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit that tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee!’’

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney came Santa,
he came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
‘‘That was some brothel,’’ he said with a smile,
‘‘The reindeer are pooped so, I'll just stay here awhile.’’

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee!

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun and a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And many other things that I wont even mention.

A screw ring, a G-string, and all types of skin oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
‘‘This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will ****,
So, I'll just leave 'em here, and then I'll just split!’’

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus, he fell on his ass and farted instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, ‘‘Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a *****!’’
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
‘‘The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!’’

(Unknown Author)

TulsaLarry