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  1. #1
    Registered Risk Taker's Avatar
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    Jan 2001
    New Hampshuu !!

    Talking OT: The Complete Military History of France !!!

    1. Gallic Wars
    In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, the Italians .

    2. Hundred Years War
    Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
    armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

    3. Italian Wars
    France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars
    when fighting Italians.

    4. Wars of Religion
    France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

    5. Thirty Years War
    France is technically not a participant, but manages to get
    invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

    6. War of Revolution
    Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    7. The Dutch War

    8. War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War; Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

    9. War of the Spanish Succession
    Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a
    Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

    10. American Revolution
    In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans,
    France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

    11. French Revolution
    Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French

    12. The Napoleonic Wars
    Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to
    leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

    13. The Franco-Prussian War
    Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's
    ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    14. World War I
    Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
    States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
    only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
    Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

    15. World War II
    Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain
    just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    16. War in Indochina
    Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien
    Bien Flu.

    17. Algerian Rebellion
    Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a
    Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare, "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    18. War on Terrorism
    France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans
    and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
    ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

    The question for any country silly enough to count on the French
    should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

    "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
    accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

    As it was recently stated in the Wall Street Journal about the
    French, "They're there when they need you."

  2. #2
    Gold Member Gold Member Iggy's Avatar
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    Very good.

    Unfortunately it'll piss off a few people.
    But you know what?......F**k'em if they can't take a joke!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Platinum Member Steve 1's Avatar
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    Join Date
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    Beautiful Fort Lauderdale
    Slippery when wet. "POD" Free Tunnel through Common Sense Engineering

  4. #4
    Registered Sonic30ss's Avatar
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    Truth hurts

  5. #5
    Charter Member #927 Charter Member Payton's Avatar
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    That's funny, and true.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member Platinum Member CigDaze's Avatar
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    Sad, but true.

    Irrelevency expressed so well!

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