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  1. #1
    Registered User Joe Todesca's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Danvers, Mass

    Oil Change it's a Guy thing

    Oil Change Instructions For Women:

    1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles
    since the last oil change.
    2. Drink a cup of coffee.
    3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly
    maintained vehicle.
    Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00

    Oil Change Instructions For Men:

    1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a
    of oil,
    filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
    check for $50.00.
    2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for
    $20.00, drive home.
    3. Open a beer and drink it.
    4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7. Place drain pan under engine.
    8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10. Unscrew drain plug.
    11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you
    in process. Cuss.
    12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and
    arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
    13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through
    oil filter and twist off.
    16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
    splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among
    trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to
    finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
    18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil
    change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump
    oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.
    19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
    21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of
    oil to gasket surface.
    23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
    25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back
    yard, along with drain plug.
    27. Drink beer.
    28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.
    Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly
    cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain
    plug in lawnmower gas.
    29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the
    floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
    30. Drink beer.
    31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes
    with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
    tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    33. Begin cussing fit.
    34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
    December(1992) in the left boob.
    36. Beer.
    37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to
    stop blood flow.
    38. Beer.
    39. Beer.
    40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    41. Beer.
    42. Lower car from jack stands.
    43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
    spilled during steps 23 thru 43.
    45. Beer.
    46. Test drive car.
    47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    48. Car gets impounded.
    49. Call loving wife, make bail.
    50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent:
    Parts $50.00
    DUI $2500.00
    Impound fee $75.00
    Bail $1500.00
    Beer $40.00
    Total-- $4165.00

    -- But you know the job was done right--priceless!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Platinum Member CigDaze's Avatar
    My Boats:
    Cigarette 35 Cafe Racer
    Join Date
    Jun 2001
    St. Petersburg, FL

  3. #3
    Trim it Up! Platinum Member kitten's Avatar
    My Boats:
    Skater! Sold!
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    F l o r i d a

    You got that right....

    except my car takes Mobil One, that's a $55. Check.
    Peace & grace be to this place.
    ........ God bless the troops, always! :)

  4. #4
    Registered buck183's Avatar
    My Boats:
    1989 Cigarette Bullet
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Siloam Springs, Ar.
    I never have understood why a lot of guys feel it necassary to change their own oil. For less $$$ and time it's much easier to let the dealership or quick lube do it.

    Guess it's just a guy thing???

    It is funny though.


  5. #5
    Banned cuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Deland, Florida
    Originally posted by buck183
    I never have understood why a lot of guys feel it necassary to change their own oil. For less $$$ and time it's much easier to let the dealership or quick lube do it.

    Guess it's just a guy thing???

    It is funny though.

    It's a guy thing, same as never stopping to ask for directions. We just don't do that!

  6. #6
    Charter Member #1171 Charter Member obnoxus's Avatar
    My Boats:
    Join Date
    Feb 2001
    New Lenox , Il

    Re: You got that right....

    Originally posted by kitten
    except my car takes Mobil One, that's a $55. Check.
    Thats the only reason I do it myself.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Lake Lanier, GA
    My dealer changes the oil for $14.95, and washes it. I can't afford to waste that much time. It takes away from drinking.

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