1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book ... It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large trash can.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss is that the Pope only expects you to kiss his RING.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

9. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

10. The only thing wrong with a beautiful drive to work is that you still end up at work.

11. Americans are getting stronger. 50 years ago, you needed a station-wagon to hold $10 worth of groceries. 20 years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Now, a five year-old can do it.

12. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

13. I'm so depressed... My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

14. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

15. Teenagers: God's punishment for enjoying sex.