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  1. #1
    Registered PhantomChaos's Avatar
    My Boats:
    Formula FASTech 382 Sunseeker Apache 45
    Join Date
    Dec 2000
    Bell Canyon, CA

    Talking Changing the oil.

    Oil Change instructions for Women:

    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
    2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    Oil Change $20.00
    Coffee $1.00
    Total $21.00

    Oil Change instructions for Men:

    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
    2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
    3) Open a beer and drink it.
    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7) Place drain pan under engine.
    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10) Unscrew drain plug.
    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
    18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
    21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
    27) Drink beer.
    28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on
    the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
    30) Drink beer.
    31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    33) Begin cussing fit.
    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
    36) Beer.
    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
    38) Beer.
    39) Beer.
    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    41) Beer.
    42) Lower car from jack stands.
    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
    45) Beer.
    46) Test drive car.
    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    48) Car gets impounded.
    49) Call loving wife, make bail.
    50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Parts $50.00
    DUI $2500.00
    Impound fee $75.00
    Bail $1500.00
    Beer $40.00
    Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!

  2. #2
    Registered JUSTONCE's Avatar
    My Boats:
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    tropical Cleveland OH
    what, you think thats funny.?

  3. #3
    My EX got the Sleekcraft Platinum Member gdfatha's Avatar
    My Boats:
    Sadly, no longer have: Sleekcraft 24'
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Apopka, Florida
    marc (Offshore Paparazzo)

    Senior Blue Hair~ I'm so old.. I remember
    "Preparation A"...

  4. #4
    Registered mikev's Avatar
    My Boats:
    1988 Donzi Regazza
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Cumming, GA.
    is this a jiffy lube add. sorry but i wont run quaker sludge in my motors.

  5. #5
    Registered Fountain38SC's Avatar
    My Boats:
    38 Fountain SC
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Cincinnati, Oh
    That ain't nothin, try working on a boat.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Fountain38sc, you got that right

  7. #7
    Registered frequentflyer's Avatar
    My Boats:
    1998 Powerplay 25
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Miami, FL

  8. #8
    Registered MitchStellin's Avatar
    My Boats:
    Zodiac RIB
    Join Date
    Nov 2000
    Grand Haven, MI USA
    That is sooooo true. Now add this from a truck I had 10 years ago

    1) Use 5 gallon pail to store oil for multiple oil changes.
    2) While truck is on ramps and full 5 gallon bucket is under truck, back down off ramps because you are done and saved $5.
    3) Have oil pan catch 5 gallon oil bucket and dump the whole damn thing!!!!
    4) Use an entire sand box to clean up oil, dump in vacant lot and still have an oil stain in road.
    5) Never change oil on own again because it took hours instead of minutes.
    Nort, this couldn't be the X, mine is $50 and that is cheap.

  9. #9
    Tom is offline
    Registered Tom's Avatar
    My Boats:
    2000, BatBoat B24
    Join Date
    Oct 2000
    San Diego, CA


    Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention Deficit
    Disorder. This is how it manifests:
    I decided to wash my car.
    As I start toward the garage, I spotted the mail on the hall table.
    I should go through the mail before I wash the car.
    I lay the car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can
    under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
    So, I put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
    Since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway,
    I might as well pay the bills first.
    I see my checkbook on the table, but there is only one check left.
    My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk, where I
    find the bottle of juice that I had been drinking.
    I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the juice
    aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. _But the juice is
    getting warm, and should be put in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
    Heading toward the kitchen with the juice, a vase of flowers on the
    counter catches my eye. _They need to be watered.
    I set the juice down on the counter, and find my reading glasses, for
    which I've been searching all morning.
    I had better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the
    I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water,
    and suddenly spot the TV remote. _Someone left it on the kitchen
    Tonight when we sit down to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote,
    but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table.
    I should put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water
    the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills
    on the floor.
    So, I put the remote back down on the table, and get some towels to wipe
    up the spill.
    Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
    At the end of the day: _the car hasn't been washed, there is a warm
    bottle of juice _sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
    there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the
    remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with
    the car keys.
    I'm trying to figure out why nothing got done today; it's quite baffling
    because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
    I know this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
    but _first I'll check my e-mail.

  10. #10
    Platinum Member Platinum Member Steve 1's Avatar
    My Boats:
    Slippery when wet!
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Beautiful Fort Lauderdale
    Slippery when wet. "POD" Free Tunnel through Common Sense Engineering

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