While no statement I'm about to make should be construed as suggesting or recommending that any person commit an illegal act of any kind, you should realize that I am sick to my stomach of Mr. Excursion Slow boat's pettiness and simple ignorance. But first, let me pose you a question: Is Excursion actually concerned about any of us, or does he just want to interfere with a person's work performance, bodily security, physical movement, or privacy rights? After reading this letter, you'll undeniably find it's the latter. Someone once said to me, "When workable solutions to a problem elude you, sometimes it helps to lend a helping hand." This phrase struck me so forcefully that I have often used it since. If his reinterpretations of historic events aren't addlepated, I don't know what is. There isn't a man, woman, or child alive today who thinks that Excursion knows 100% of everything 100% of the time, so let's toss out that ridiculous argument of Excursion's from the get-go.
He decries or dismisses capitalism, technology, industrialization, and systems of government borne of Enlightenment ideas about the dignity and freedom of human beings. These are the things that Excursion fears, because they are wedded to individual initiative and responsibility. Shame on him for thinking that people like you and me are refractory!
How can we trust depraved hedonists who actively conceal their true intentions? We can't. And besides, many people who follow his publications have come to the erroneous conclusion that favoritism brings one closer to nirvana. The stark truth of the matter is that Excursion's subalterns believe that anyone who resists Excursion deserves to be crushed. Although it is perhaps impossible to change the perspective of those who have such beliefs, I wish nevertheless to increase awareness and understanding of our similarities and differences. For all of the foregoing reasons, I can confidently claim that in order to convince us that obscurity, evasiveness, incomprehensibility, indirectness, and ambiguity are marks of depth and brilliance, Excursion often turns to the old propagandist trick of comparing results brought about by entirely dissimilar causes. This is not to say that what he is doing is akin to painting a mustache on the Mona Lisa. It is merely to point out that his modes of thought have merged with unilateralism in several interesting ways. Both spring from the same kind of reality-denying mentality. Both change the course of history. And both obfuscate the issue so that one can't see what ought to be totally obvious to all.
Call me venal if you'd like; I will still do everything in my power to teach inconsiderate vagabonds about tolerance. Then, I will announce to the world that Excursion's morals are built on lies and they depend on make-believe for their continuation. Do Excursion's janissaries discuss the relationship between three converging and ever-growing factions -- harebrained blackguards, dirty menaces, and twisted wackos? No, that would be the correct and logical thing to do. Instead, they keep us perennially behind the eight ball.
In light of my stance on this issue, my goal is to work beyond the predatory plasticity of Excursion's ruses. I might not be successful at achieving that goal, but I honestly do have to try. If one needs a sign that Excursion is mendacious, consider that when I'm through with him, he'll think twice before attempting to make our country spiritually blind.
It has been revealed that he plans to inject even more fear and divisiveness into political campaigns. First reaction yields that however varied or profound the explanations underlying our sense of moral values may be, the primary weapons of his hate-filled, rotten yes-men are lies and deception. A little more thought leads to the more accurate conclusion that jealous egotism is merely a symptom of the disease called "Excursion-ism". The best example of this, culled from many, would have to be the time Excursion tried to ridicule the accomplishments of generations of great men and women. I am now in a position to define what I mean when I say that it's about time he stopped claiming his silly zingers were influenced by outside sources and just admitted he was wrong. What I mean is that Excursion's excuses are based on a denial of reality, on the substitution of a deliberately falsified picture of the world in place of reality. And this dishonesty, this refusal to admit the truth, will have some very serious consequences for all of us any day now. While there is inevitable overlap at the edges of political movements, Excursion has two imperatives. The first is to encourage damnable undesirables to see themselves as victims and, therefore, live by alibis rather than by honest effort. The second imperative is to turn positions of leadership into positions of complacency. The most perceptive members of our society respond positively to my message that he finds it easier to discuss other people's problems than his own. That fact may not be pleasant, but it is a fact regardless of our wishes on the matter.
If you need proof that Excursion's ignorance is matched only by his arrogance, then just take a look at Excursion. All in all, he tries to make us think the way he wants us to think, not by showing us evidence and reasoning with us, but by understanding how to push our emotional buttons. As I gaze into my crystal ball, I see that his chums will encourage the acceptance of scapegoating and demonization as soon as our backs are turned. On the other hand, when a friend wants to drive inebriated, you try to stop him. Well, Excursion is drunk with power, which is why we must raise the quality of debate on issues surrounding his addlepated, loathsome "compromises".
In retrospect, he has always been more annoying than most censorious rapscallions. Yes, he may be nothing more than a disposable tool of power-wielding, brassbound bigamists, but what I just wrote is not based on merely a single experience or anecdote. Rather, it is based upon the wisdom of accumulated years, spanning two continents, and proven by the fact that Excursion is an opportunist. That is, he is an ideological chameleon, without any real morality, without a soul. Never before have I encountered more bloatedly self-important prose than that which he produces.
To quote the prophet Isaiah, "Woe to ye who encourage men to leave their wives, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become aberrant, bad-tempered cult leaders". Excursion has been known to say that he has the linguistic prowess to produce a masterwork of meritorious literature. That notion is so execrable, I hardly know where to begin refuting it. His factotums say that nothing would help society more than for them to impair the practice of democracy. Sorry, I don't buy that. You know, it strikes me that a person who wants to get ahead should try to understand the long-range consequences of his/her actions. Excursion has never had that faculty. He always does what he wants to do at the moment and figures he'll be able to lie himself out of any problems that arise. He is frightened that we might supply the missing ingredient that could stop the worldwide slide into quislingism. That's why he's trying so hard to prevent whistleblowers from reporting that he is absolutely determined to believe that all it takes to solve our social woes are shotgun marriages, heavy-handed divorce laws, and a return to some mythical 1950s Shangri-la, and he's not about to let facts or reason get in his way.
Even when Excursion isn't lying, he's using facts, emphasizing facts, bearing down on facts, sliding off facts, quietly ignoring facts, and, above all, interpreting facts in a way that will enable him to deny us the opportunity to provide information and inspiration to as many people as possible. I have two words for him: Grow up! Given what I know about slimy bloodsuckers, I can say with confidence that if the past is any indication of the future, he will once again attempt to make cannibalism socially acceptable. I hate having to keep reminding everybody of this, but I, hardheaded cynic that I am, have a scientist's respect for objective truth. That's why I'm telling you that Excursion's most subversive tactic is to fabricate a phony war between irritable fanatics and profligate, uppity oafs. This way, he can subjugate both groups into helping him pilfer the national treasure. I truly don't want that to happen, which is why I'm telling you that if Excursion isn't nugatory, I don't know who is. Mr. Excursion Slow boat does not hold himself answerable to any code of honor. Since I don't have anything more to say on that subject, I'll politely get off my soapbox now.
hugetime you got too much time on your hands, funny though... why don't you go out and smack some AT's, or are they all too afraid of the walrus?
I see you found the "complaint Letter generator" one of Norts awesomest find!!!
I love it.
There are some comments I need to make regarding Mr. Land A Walrus. I assume you already know that false denials, pleas for sympathy, and a base campaign for smearing others with his own crimes constitute Mr. Walrus's whole method of defense, but I have something more important to tell you. Who is behind the decline of our civilization? The culprit responsible is not the Illuminati, not the Insiders, not the Humanists, not even the Communists. No, the decline of our civilization is attributable primarily to Land A Walrus. Let us not sink to his level. Let us combat jingoism by exercising our right to speak out, to denounce his litanies as totally unrepresentative of the values of this society.
Even his habitués couldn't deal with the full impact of his accusations. That's why they created "Mr. Walrus-ism," which is just a self-centered excuse to overthrow all concepts of beauty and sublimity, of the noble and the good, and instead drag people down into the sphere of Mr. Walrus's own base nature. When I was little, my father would sometimes pick me up, put me on his knee, and say "Destructive popinjays are receptive to Mr. Walrus's mean-spirited messages and fool easily." He has frequently been spotted making nicey-nice with closed-minded spivs. Is this because he needs their help to hold annual private conferences in which lame-brained selfish-types are invited to present their "research"? This is not a question that we should run away from. Rather, it is something that needs to be addressed quickly and directly, because there is no such thing as evil in the abstract. It exists only in the evil deeds of evil people like Mr. Walrus.
While this country still has far to go before people are truly judged on the content of their character, even if one is opposed to refractory exhibitionism (and I am), then surely, I wonder if he really believes the things he says. He knows they're not true, doesn't he? On the surface, it would seem to have something to do with the way that a critical reevaluation of some of his commentaries would be beneficial. But upon further investigation, one will find that I oppose Mr. Walrus's philippics because they are crude. I oppose them because they are gin-swilling. And I oppose them because they will throw away our freedom, our honor, and our future in the near future. Mr. Walrus is an interesting character. On the one hand, he likes to reduce history to an overdetermined, wireframe sketch of what are, in reality, complex, dynamic events. But on the other hand, he should clarify his point, so people like you and me can tell what the heck he's talking about. Without clarification, his writings sound lofty and include some emotionally charged words but don't really seem to make any sense.
Be that as it may, there is a tortured quality to his reasoning, a careful avoidance of obvious conclusions, and a painstaking circumnavigation of embarrassing facts. For proof of this fact, I must point out that when he hears anyone say that he likes to launch into nonsensical non sequiturs, his answer is to advocate his revenge fantasies amid a hue and cry as ugly as it is impudent. That's similar to taking a few drunken swings at a beehive: it just makes me want even more to raise crafty rascals out of their cultural misery and lead them to the national community as a valuable, united factor. Mr. Walrus has been offering petty, uncompromising merciless-types a lot of money to introduce changes without testing them first. This is blood money, plain and simple. Anyone thinking of accepting it should realize that the acid test for Mr. Walrus's "kinder, gentler" new schemes should be, "Do they still transform our society into a villainous war machine?" If the answer is yes, then we can conclude that if the only way to address the real issues faced by mankind is for me to go crazy, then so be it. It would really be worth it, because it will not be easy to provide an antidote to contemporary manifestations of lecherous, frightful sensationalism. Nevertheless, we must attempt to do exactly that, for the overriding reason that I, for one, have a New Year's resolution for Mr. Walrus: He should pick up a book before he jumps to the nerdy conclusion that space aliens are out to lay eggs in our innards or ooze their alien hell-slime all over us.
All kidding aside, once you understand Mr. Walrus's practices, you have a responsibility to do something about them. To know, to understand, and not to act, is an egregious sin of omission. It is the sin of silence. It is the sin of letting Mr. Walrus play fast and loose with the truth. I, for one, plan to work within the system to persuade my fellow citizens that he always tries to shift blame from himself to empty-headed half-wits, not because I lack the courage for more drastic steps, but because he is willing to promote truth and justice when it's convenient. But when it threatens his creature comforts, he throws principle to the wind. It is common knowledge that implying that all minorities are poor, stupid ghetto trash is no different from implying that the most valuable skill one can have is to be able to lie convincingly. Both statements are ludicrous.
And if you think that mediocrity and normalcy are ideal virtues, then you aren't thinking very clearly. Assume for a moment that everything Mr. Walrus tells you is a lie. It therefore follows that you don't need to be a rocket scientist to detect the subtext of this letter. But just in case it's too subliminal for some, let me thrust it into your face right here: I don't want to build castles in the air. I don't want to plan things that I can't yet implement. But I do want to foster mutual understanding, because doing so clearly demonstrates how I wouldn't waste my time trying to question authority if his personal attacks weren't parroted by so many meddlesome utopians. Let's remember that. Mr. Walrus thinks that he is the best thing to come along since the invention of sliced bread. However, like much conventional wisdom, his jibes contain too much convention and not enough wisdom. It would be a work of supererogation to put an end to his evildoing at a time when every week there transpires news of macabre scofflaws following Mr. Walrus's orders to manufacture and compile daunting lists of imaginary transgressions committed against him. I'll probably devote a separate letter to that topic alone, but for now, I'll simply summarize by stating that my general thesis is that Mr. Walrus is not only immoral, but amoral. I'll talk a lot more about that later, but first let me finish my general thesis: He is completely versipellous. When he's with plebeians, Mr. Walrus warms the cockles of their hearts by remonstrating against diabolism. But when he is safely surrounded by his stooges, Mr. Walrus instructs them to force me to undergo "treatment" to cure my "problem". That type of cunning two-sidedness tells us that almost every day, Mr. Walrus outreaches himself in setting new records for arrogance, deceit, and greed. It's doubtlessly breathtaking to watch him.
I'm not the first to mention that if Mr. Walrus is going to make an emotional appeal, then he should also include a rational argument. In order to understand the motivation behind his modes of thought, it is important first to treat the disease, not the symptoms. If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the problem. The interesting point is this: In public, Mr. Walrus vehemently inveighs against corruption and sin. But when nobody's looking, Mr. Walrus never fails to panic irrationally and overreact completely.
In a manner of speaking, I've tried explaining to his drones that on this subject, we get only a lot of blather and obfuscation from him and his lapdogs, but it is clear to me in talking to them that they have no comprehension of what I'm saying. I might as well be talking to creatures from Mars. But it gets much worse than that.
As I make no claim to be an authority on the subject, I defer to the judgments of an Oxford University professor, who has observed that if I withheld my feelings on this matter, I'd be no less saturnine than Mr. Walrus. You know what? I know more about boosterism than most people. You might even say that I'm an expert on the subject. I can therefore state with confidence that I recently heard Mr. Walrus tell a bunch of people that his equivocations can give us deeper insights into the nature of reality. I can't adequately describe my first reaction to this notion; I simply don't know how to represent uncontrollable laughter in text. Perhaps comments like that don't sit well with birdbrained purveyors of malice and hatred, but remember that lethargic and shabby, his manifestos resemble a dilapidated shed. Kick in the door and the whole rotten structure will collapse, proving my claim that you, of course, now need some hard evidence that Mr. Walrus's latest "revelation" (really, hallucination) is that he holds a universal license that allows him to besmirch the memory of some genuine historic figures. Well, how about this for evidence: The gloss that Mr. Walrus's associates put on Mr. Walrus's manuscripts unfortunately does little to shed a little light on some of the ignorant prejudices that reside within his pea-sized brain.
Given a choice of having Mr. Walrus hand over the country to the most nettlesome Land A Walrus clones I've ever seen or having my bicuspids extracted sans Novocaine, I would embrace the pliers, purchase some Polident Partials, and call it a day. Don't kid yourself: We are at a crossroads. One road leads into the light of a bright, shining future in which insecure charlatans like Mr. Walrus are totally absent. The other road leads into the darkness of jujuism. The question, therefore, is: Who's driving the bus? To answer that question, we need first to consider Mr. Walrus's thought process, which generally takes the following form: (1) Unfounded attacks on character, loads of hyperbole, and fallacious information are the best way to make a point, so (2) freedom must be abolished in order for people to be more secure and comfortable. Therefore, (3) he is entitled to fix blame for social stress, economic loss, or loss of political power on a target group whose constructed guilt provides a simplistic explanation and thus, (4) he can override nature. As you can see, Mr. Walrus's reasoning makes no sense, which leads me to believe that we must make this world a kinder, gentler place. To do anything else, and I do mean anything else, is a complete waste of time. The recent outrage at Mr. Land A Walrus's proposed social programs may point to a brighter future. For now, however, I must leave you knowing that his toadies merely present their allegations as though they were true, a technique known as a "conclusory" or "Kierkegaardian" leap.
What I offer here is an involved yet detached look at Maj. Touch A Woody's prognoses. Perhaps time, further study, and more reflection will either modify or enrich the analysis offered here, but Maj. Woody doesn't let a day pass without showing to the world that he is as little fitted to be trusted with liberty as thieves with keys or children with firearms. It is requisite, even in this summary sketch, to go back a few years to see how our situation is snowballing. Or, to express that sentiment without all of the emotionally charged lingo, Maj. Woody will promote, foster, and institute boosterism because he possesses a hatred that defies all logic and understanding, that cannot be quantified or reasoned away, and that savagely possesses despicable, paltry drongos with nutty and uncontrollable rage. There's no mystery about it, no more room for fairy tales, just the knowledge that given the amount of misinformation that he is circulating, I must point out that his allies actually believe the bunkum they're always mouthing. That's because these kinds of meddlesome blusterers are idealistic, have no sense of history or human nature, and they think that what they're doing will somehow improve the world some day. In reality, of course, Maj. Woody ignores a breathtaking number of facts, most notably:
Fact: Everything Maj. Woody tells you is a lie.
Fact: Maj. Woody's functionaries operate secretly so as not to excite suspicion.
Fact: Maj. Woody has always favored providing a privileged and protected status for what I call gangsterism-prone stirrers.
In addition, it is not uncommon for Maj. Woody to victimize the innocent, penalize the victim for making any effort to defend himself, and then paint the whole unsophisticated affair as some great benefit to humanity. Aside from the fact that Maj. Woody's magic-bullet explanations are unhealthy and lacking in purpose, there are few certainties in life. I have counted only three: death, taxes, and Maj. Woody doing some contemptuous thing every few weeks.
All the deals he makes are strictly one-way. Maj. Woody gets all the rights, and the other party gets all the obligations. If he had even a shred of intellectual integrity, he'd admit that his confused artifices leave the current power structure untouched while simultaneously killing countless children through starvation and disease. Are these children Maj. Woody's enemies? I can give you only my best estimate, made after long and anxious consideration, but I do not pose as an expert in these matters. I can say only that Maj. Woody says he's going to hijack the word "institutionalization" and use it to commit confrontational, in-your-face acts of violence, intimidation, and incivility in the near future. Good old Maj. Woody. He just loves to open his mouth and let all kinds of things come out without listening to how sinister they sound. I have often maintained that reasonable people can reasonably disagree. Unfortunately, when dealing with Maj. Woody and his faithfuls, that claim assumes facts not in evidence. So let me claim instead that Maj. Woody refers to a variety of things using the word "disproportionateness". Translating this bit of jargon into English isn't easy. Basically, he's saying that governments should have the right to lie to their own subjects or to other governments. At any rate, his litanies manifest themselves in two phases. Phase one: advocate fatalistic acceptance of a birdbrained new world order. Phase two: take over society's eyes, ears, mind, and spirit.
Please don't misread my words here; Maj. Woody likes to compare his protests to those that shaped this nation. The comparison, however, doesn't hold up beyond some uselessly broad, superficial similarities that are so vague and pointless, it's not even worth summarizing them. His goombahs amount to nothing more than petulant fugitives riding on the back of a social fungus attacking the body politic. That being the case, we can infer that he says that he has his moral compass in tact. That's a stupid thing to say. It's like saying that possession-obsessed, grumpy kooks should be fêted at wine-and-cheese fund-raisers. One last thing: Maj. Touch A Woody's strictures will cause more harm than good.
I need a dictionary
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