Have you flown lately??
12-22-2004, 03:13 PM
#1
My EX got the Sleekcraft
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Have you flown lately??
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you
just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having
a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find
a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down
the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take
all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms
in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."\
10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we
arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in
the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to
shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children
or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight
attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are
on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the
intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what
y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the
final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that,
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for
a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do
you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said
the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on
this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you
can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made
an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number
293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
----- Silence ----- followed, and after a few minutes, the
captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I
was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's
nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Happy Holidaze and safe travelling
just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having
a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find
a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down
the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take
all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms
in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."\
10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we
arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in
the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to
shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children
or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight
attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are
on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the
intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what
y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the
final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that,
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for
a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do
you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said
the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on
this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you
can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made
an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number
293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
----- Silence ----- followed, and after a few minutes, the
captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I
was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's
nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Happy Holidaze and safe travelling
Last edited by gdfatha; 12-22-2004 at 03:15 PM.
12-22-2004, 03:38 PM
#2
Allergic to Nonsense
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Re: Have you flown lately??
Many years ago I landed at Midway airport, which , as those of you who have been there know, has very short runways. After a smooth flight and approach we were coasting along over the runway when it became apparent that we had too much lift and were going long... The Captain dumped the plane down roughly and we came to an abrupt halt. Shortly thereafter the Captain came on the intercom and using a perfect John Wayne imitation...he said:
"Pilgrims, I want to tell ya that what you just experienced was a perfect landing timed and conducted to the inch. Unfortunately......... The Runway was 15 feet too low."
T2x
"Pilgrims, I want to tell ya that what you just experienced was a perfect landing timed and conducted to the inch. Unfortunately......... The Runway was 15 feet too low."
T2x
12-22-2004, 04:01 PM
#7
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Re: Have you flown lately??
Here is another funny pic.... Sorry.... I don't have the one of the Southwest airplane that skidded onto Hollywood way in Burbank... that was the one that ended up in the Chevron station... I do though have this one......... 
