Offshoreonly.com - 3 Saturday funnies........

Life After Death...A Golfer's Paradise!
>
> A couple made a deal that whoever died first would
> come back and
> inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest
> fear was that there was no afterlife.
> After a long life, the husband was the first to go,
> and true to his
> word, he made contact, "Mary . .. Mary . "
> "Is that you, Fred?"
> "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
> "What's it like?"
> "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
> breakfast, off to
> the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun,
> then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp
> around the golf course, then sex pretty much all
> afternoon.
> After supper, golf course again. Then have sex
> until late at night. The next day it starts again."
> "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
> "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in
> Arizona."

Beer

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this
beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Babe Ruth

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Paul Hornung

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
- H.L. Mencken

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
George Bernard Shaw

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry

Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c.
-- W.C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a
"support group." Salvation in a can!
-- Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "remember those headaches I've

been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?"
the

husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in

front of a

mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache. I do not
have

a headache. I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all

gone." The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in

the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and
see

if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband
comes

home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the

bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right
back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into
bed

and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "don't move!

I'll be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and
round

two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head
is

spinning.

Her husband again says, "don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he

goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and

there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror, saying,
"She's

not my wife! She's not my wife! She's not my wife!"

His funeral services will be held on Monday.