Offshoreonly.com - Definately not Hallmark

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat. Sorry!
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You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
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Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
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Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me
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So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
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"Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:
What the hell was I thinking?"
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"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
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"I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell ... 'til I met you."
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"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
that you're not here to ruin it for me."
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"If I get only one thing for Christmas,
I hope it's your sister."
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"Thanks for being a part of my life!
I never knew what evil was before this!"
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"Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go,would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again!"
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"Someday I hope to get married,
but not to you."
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"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age ...
Almost lifelike!"
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"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
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"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
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"We have been friends for a very long time,
what do you say we call it quits."
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"I'm so miserable without you,
it's almost like you're here."
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"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
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"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there
was only one life jacket .... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
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"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday
so we're having you put to sleep."
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"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"
(available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Tennessee and West
Virginia)

Growing old is mandatory,
growing up is optional.

:D :D :D