Any Good Jokes Today???
01-30-2002, 05:09 PM
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Any Good Jokes Today???
I saw RiskTakers jokes, but it seems awfully light on the humor for today. What's with that?!?!??? I have an obligation to put out a joke list at work everyday, and I can't even start one yet. Any help out there??? Clean or dirty doesn't matter.
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01-30-2002, 06:16 PM
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Here try a blonde joke???
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, 'What is Easter?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful...'
'Wrong!,' replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, 'What is Easter?'
The second blonde replies, 'Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.'
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, 'What is Easter?'
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, 'I know what Easter is.'
'Oh?' says St. Peter, incredulously.
'Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.'
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, 'Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.'
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, 'What is Easter?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful...'
'Wrong!,' replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, 'What is Easter?'
The second blonde replies, 'Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.'
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, 'What is Easter?'
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, 'I know what Easter is.'
'Oh?' says St. Peter, incredulously.
'Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.'
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, 'Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.'
01-30-2002, 06:21 PM
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Subject: Golf
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them
headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone,
bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just! talking about our sons. How is yours doing?
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he
Continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them
headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone,
bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just! talking about our sons. How is yours doing?
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he
Continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio
01-30-2002, 06:28 PM
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CLEANSING POWER
There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
01-30-2002, 06:30 PM
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Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the
man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use
them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've
heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and
picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The Dad
replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday,
and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
"Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college boys." The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses
THESE?" He asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those
are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for
March........
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the
man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use
them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've
heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and
picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The Dad
replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday,
and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
"Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college boys." The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses
THESE?" He asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those
are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for
March........
01-30-2002, 06:33 PM
#8
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Three men are walking down the street. One is from California, one is from New York, and the last is from St. Louis.
A good looking woman walks by....the man from Cali states "She's about an 8."
The man from New York states "No, no....she's a 6."
The man from St. Louis says "Hell no, she's a 1."
The two men look at the guy from St. Louis and turn to each other and say, "Well, she was not that good looking."
All three continue walking down the strip. As chance happens another woman walks by. She is more beautiful then the first.
The man from California exclaims "9"
The man from New York cries "8.5"
The man from St. Louis says "2"
The man from California and New York state, "I guess it takes all types."
Finally a extremely beautiful woman crosses their line of sight.
The man from Cali and New York simultaneously state "10"
The man from St. Louis states loudly, "3.5"
The man from New York asks the man from St. Louis, "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you gay? She was beautiful!"
The man from St. Louis turns to him and says, "I'm using the Budwieser method."
The man from Cali asks "What is that?"
The man from St. Louis responds "The Budwieser method is to see how many Clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."
A good looking woman walks by....the man from Cali states "She's about an 8."
The man from New York states "No, no....she's a 6."
The man from St. Louis says "Hell no, she's a 1."
The two men look at the guy from St. Louis and turn to each other and say, "Well, she was not that good looking."
All three continue walking down the strip. As chance happens another woman walks by. She is more beautiful then the first.
The man from California exclaims "9"
The man from New York cries "8.5"
The man from St. Louis says "2"
The man from California and New York state, "I guess it takes all types."
Finally a extremely beautiful woman crosses their line of sight.
The man from Cali and New York simultaneously state "10"
The man from St. Louis states loudly, "3.5"
The man from New York asks the man from St. Louis, "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you gay? She was beautiful!"
The man from St. Louis turns to him and says, "I'm using the Budwieser method."
The man from Cali asks "What is that?"
The man from St. Louis responds "The Budwieser method is to see how many Clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."
01-30-2002, 06:40 PM
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Nuther Golf joke...
A man and his wife play golf one day. Everything was going fine until the 14th hole, where the man hit his ball into an outhouse next to the fairway. He looked the situation over and said to his wife, "honey, if you hold the door open, I think I might have a shot at the green." She held the door, he swung away, and the ball hit her in the temple and she dropped dead on the spot.
One year later, he was out playing with a friend at the same course. He was having a great round until #14. His ball sliced right into the same outhouse at the side of the fairway. He checked it out and and said to his partner, "If you hold the door open, I think I've got a shot." His friend held the door, the man swung as hard as he could, and the ball hit the green and rolled to within a foot of the cup. His friend congratualted him on such a great shot and the man got quiet. He looked at his friend and said "You may not believe this, but exactly one year ago today, I took a 7 on this hole"
A man and his wife play golf one day. Everything was going fine until the 14th hole, where the man hit his ball into an outhouse next to the fairway. He looked the situation over and said to his wife, "honey, if you hold the door open, I think I might have a shot at the green." She held the door, he swung away, and the ball hit her in the temple and she dropped dead on the spot.
One year later, he was out playing with a friend at the same course. He was having a great round until #14. His ball sliced right into the same outhouse at the side of the fairway. He checked it out and and said to his partner, "If you hold the door open, I think I've got a shot." His friend held the door, the man swung as hard as he could, and the ball hit the green and rolled to within a foot of the cup. His friend congratualted him on such a great shot and the man got quiet. He looked at his friend and said "You may not believe this, but exactly one year ago today, I took a 7 on this hole"
01-30-2002, 06:41 PM
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Subject: Southern Humor
After having their 11th child, a West Virginian couple figured that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't
want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The West Virginian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his knees, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, the Carolinas, and Kentucky.
After having their 11th child, a West Virginian couple figured that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't
want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The West Virginian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his knees, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, the Carolinas, and Kentucky.
