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01-17-2002, 01:45 PM

CigDaze

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More Great Humor...

"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and
these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration."
-- Jay Leno

"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this-he's worth $300 million, he
has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive'
lifestyle."
-- David Letterman

"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve
the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt."
-- Jay Leno

"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin
Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be
exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded
it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil
investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism."

-- Jay Leno

"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never
sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton."
-- Jay Leno

"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three
words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get
his
money, he'll be dead in a week."
-- Jay Leno

"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 51 brothers and sisters.
Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic"
-- Conan O'Brien

"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look
forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great
because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue
living."
-- Jay Leno

"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number
three."
-- David Letterman

"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this
town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder."
-- Jay Leno

"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to
manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing
outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it
could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1
every day!'"
-- Jay Leno

"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers
Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be
mistaken

for anthrax. Oh, good timing! What genius came up with this promotion?
What's next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box."
-- Jay Leno

"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that
have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the
rap industry."
-- Jay Leno

"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken
restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking
high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders."
-- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update

"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it makes a
direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is being
kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we put our
battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret."
-- Jay Leno

"Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the Taliban will fall for
hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king Zahir Shah is standing by to replace Mullah
Mohammed Omar. And the most ominous sign of all, President Bush has learned
all their names."
-- Comedian Argus Hamilton

"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk
with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word
Jihad."
-- Jay Leno

"Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and
saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name
would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute."
-- Jay Leno

"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's
electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should
transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw
up

his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges."
-- Jay Leno

"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's
be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali,
arrive at the airport extra early."
-- Jay Leno

"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick
Cheney? Where did he go? What, have we got caves over here now, too? Where
did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo.'"
-- Jay Leno

"Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday were exposed to a
mysterious white powder they had never seen before: The end zone."
-- Jay Leno

"President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress
announced that they are accepting bribes again."
-- Jay Leno

"The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S. its full
military support. You know what that means: Both tanks."
-- Jay Leno

"President Bush's popularity is at 90 percent, the highest popularity
ever... if President Bush ran for president today he could actually be
elected."
-- Jay Leno