Offshoreonly.com - Thursday Funnies!

> (1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
> don't like and just give her a house." * Steven Seagal
>
> (2) "The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a
> desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
> with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
> * Jeff Foxworthy
>
> (3) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
> only enough blood to run one at a time." * Robin Williams
>
> (4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
> infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
> considering if there is a man on base." * Dave Barry
>
> (5) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
> * Marilyn Pittman
>
> (6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
> should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to
> leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
> severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find
> you a temp."
> * Bob Ettinger
>
> (7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
> the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
> trying to teach you how to swim." * Paula Poundstone
>
> (8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
> verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
> study: Uh, duh!"
> * Conan O'Brien
>
> (9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
> through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. I could be
> eating a slow learner."
> * Lynda Montgomery
>
> (10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes
> out with a riding vacuum cleaner."
> * Roseanne
>
> (11) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
> New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
> just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
> * Richard Jeni
>
> (12) "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
> impersonators would be dead."
> * Johnny Carson
>
> (13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
> * Paul Rodriguez
>
> (14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
> sixty, and that's the law."
> * Jerry Seinfeld
>
> (15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
> quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
> logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
> * Warren Hutcherson
>
> (16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
> same."
> *Oscar Wilde
>
> (17) "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
> institution yet."
> * Mae West
>
> (18) "Suppose you were an idiot. . . And suppose you were a member
> of Congress . . . But I repeat myself."
> * Mark Twain
>
> (19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
> least they can find Kuwait."
> * A. Whitney Brown
>
> (20) "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip
> out a man's genitals through his wallet," * Robin Williams
>
> (21) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it
> as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
> * Roseanne
>
> (22) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
> you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
> thought of that!'"
> * Dave Barry
>
> (23) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
> * George Carlin
>
> (24) "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died
> peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in
> her car."
> * Author Unknown
>
> (25) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
> headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin"
> and "Keep away from children"
>
> (26) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
> support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the
> bar."
> * Drew Carey
>
> >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
>
> Morris asked Sam, "Was your wife outspoken?"
>
> Sam said, "Not by anyone I know of."
>
> >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
>
> Isn't it redundant to put a yarmulke on a toupee?
>
> >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
>
> A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband
is
> behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know
we've
> been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
>
> The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
>
> She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've
> been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover
> than you."
>
> Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
>
> She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is
doing
> 70 mph.
>
> She says, "I want the kids, too."
>
> The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
>
> She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards,
> too."
>
> The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she
> says, "Is there anything you want?"
>
> The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
>
> She asks, "What's that?"
>
> The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the
> airbag!"

:D :D :D