Offshoreonly.com - Something Here To Offend Almost Everyone

SOMETHING HERE TO OFFEND ALMOST EVERYONE

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

what's the best form of birth control after the age of 50?
Nudity.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and *****.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are
disabled.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick."

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other? A speech impediment.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage,
along with a recipe.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern
fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale
begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap!