Stupid boat tricks

Old 03-25-2002, 01:17 PM
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Default Stupid boat tricks

Well, since it's almost spring (temperature in Detroit this morning, a pleasant 23 degrees, on the way to a balmy high of 28 - ah, springtime in Michigan!), I thought we might want to relive those wonderful moments from seasons gone past...

So, what's the most boneheaded act of idiocy you've seen on the water or at the ramp? Any stupid boat trick will do, but you'll get more points for structural damage and/or Darwinian events. Post away, kids!


Here's one I saw last year.

As you pass out of our marina, you pass the gas dock. Here's these fine young fellows out for a day on the water with their ladies; I think I saw these guys on "Cops - Trailer Park Special", and I don't mean the guys wearing the uniforms.

Anyhow, it's a busy day, there's got to be 3-4 boats manuvering around the gas dock or coming through the channel. Here comes bubba in a 25-27 express cruiser, maybe an older Searay or Bayliner. Faded gel, nasty canvas, you get the idea.

He comes running in somewhat faster than "no wake", cigarette dangling from his mouth (gas dock, remember), stereo so loud I can't hear my stereo. Bubba II is sitting in the back digging through the empty beer cans with Ms. Thang and her friend, Elvira.

2 feet from the dock, Captain Bubba jams it in reverse, almost hitting the 38 Scarab who has the misfortune of being docked across from the pumps. The whole boat slews around, and two other boats have to hit the juice to get out of the way. Meanwhile, the stereo is still blasting loud enough to shake the rust off the pilings...

About this time, our hero decides he better try again, and finally turns the radio down so that he can get Bubba II's attention. Now that his line monkey has staggered up to the bow (one rotted, knotted together line, btw), Johnny Throttle aims the boat in the general vicinity of the dock and hits the gas, pulling the reverse-at-the-last-second move again. This time the boat slews into the docks rather than away from them - BOOM! - and they successfully get tied up.

To celebrate, they both crack beers and all 4 of them light up a celebratory Marlboro in the cockpit while they wait for the "Aqua Double Wide" to get gassed up.

I decided to run over to the river to get my fuel. The gas dock was still there when I got back, so I have to assume they got their gas and headed out, despite Darwin's best intentions.

Remember, these people also drive and vote Scary stuff...
Old 03-25-2002, 01:40 PM
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Back in the day when I was a dockboy, it was July 4th weekend and there was a cabin cruiser coming in for fuel. THe Mrs was driving. As they got closer she yelled to me that it was her first time not only docking but driving the boat. After she smashed the gas pump with her pulpit, (I tried to stop it but jumped out of the way to avoid being crushed at the last minute)I told her she should learn to dock the boat at someplace OTHER than a fuel dock and on a less crowded weekend!
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Old 03-25-2002, 02:18 PM
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Default Mothers day 2000

Every mothers day, I take Mom and Dad out on the boat.
Me, my fiance, Mom, Dad, my sister and her husband.

9:00am small lake in Ill

Dad backs the trailer in, I start the engines, back the boat off, the whole time trying not to hit the 30-40 fisherman coming in from their morning catch. I pull over to the dock, pick up the brother in-law, sister and mom, we are waiting for dad to come back from parking the truck when my smart brother in law says, hope ya put the plug in!! My heart stopped. Oh know, hit the bilge, its pumping like its never pumped before, I ordered everyone out of the boat to lighten the load, yelled at dad to get the truck and trailer, and I slammed the throttles downs to hit the water.

Oh yeh back to the fisherman. I was all the way back in the back of a cove, up against the dock, I had to go about 200 yrds to get out of the no wake. Past all the fisherman, other docks, past the gas pump, and the restraunt. I hammered it, the only twin engine boat on the lake, the only inboard within miles. I have never gotten flipped off so many times in my life.

I went out in the middle of the lake and drove around until the water ran out, and dad got the trailer backed in. Just about the time the ramp area settled down from my 1st drag race, I came back in. 30mp in a no wake, hit the trailer, and I was golden.

Put the plugs in and backed back in. I have never apologized to so many people in one setting.

I have not been back since.
I have also never left the plugs out since

Randy Wild

PS, later I will tell ya about the mothers day of 2001, the time I made my mom wet her pants. Never a dull moment with ma around
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Old 03-25-2002, 02:25 PM
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Good stuff!

Best one I've seen of late was yet another splendidly amuzing, yet deadly, game of "Let's temp Fate At The Fuel Pump."

My Boat's in the water, tied up at the docks at our marina and two slips downstream from us is this miserable looking patchjob of a boat(Like something you'd see built on Junk Yard Wars) is attempting to dock.

While my wife and I load the boat in preparation for our day, I take particular notice of the occupents of this mystery craft. It would almost take the resemblence of an older bayliner or other such 30 or so foot cabin cruiser. Needless to say it was in serious disrepair(or misrepair) by the self-proclaimed do-it-yourselfer marine expert.

The scene unfolds like this: The boat pulls up ever so slowly and cautiously to the dock, and there are four people visible in the cockpit area. These enchanted souls, did not have the look of total awareness about them, if you know what I mean, more like oblivion: Blank stares, and all mouths gaping wide open...Not like , just simple dumbfoundedness. A rather rugged bunch at first glance. Upon approaching the dock(still slowly) you can hear the obvious sounds from the drives being shifted(repeatedly). Hell, there's only two gears and neutral, so you have a 50/50 shot of picking the right one, how should he know? Well, he gambled wrong and it was still in forward. Rather than gently bringing the boat's forward motion to a stop, he added to it, quite violently I might add. BAMMM!--Hits the fuel dock squarely and rebounds a few feet--His Pulpit narrowly missing the fuel pump. So he tries again, much to the same result--BANG! Third time's a charm, right? Wrong! He sends one of the occupents up on the bow to help out. He manages the short walk around to the bow and gets into position to try to toss the rope around the dock cleat. When the boat slams the dock again, he is ejected up onto the dock. It must have been funny because they were all laughing. Well, One way or another he made it. Rope in hand, he secures the boat. Now the captain can swing it around. His docking consists of tying off the bow and swinging around the rear--HARD, but Mission accomplished...

It's not until now that you realize that there must be more down below...I see one arm out the side hatch flicking ashes onto the dock...As a heavy amount of smoke billows out of all the open hatches. Hmmmmm....Remember the blank stares...You got it!

Anyway, after all that fanfare the captain sends three of the guys up to buy beer and munchies at the dock store. He then starts to fuel up the boat. He gets the pump into the fuel port and procedes to take seat as he straddles the boat, one leg in the boat, one leg holding the stern of the boat on the dock(remember, only the bow is tied to the dock)

The three men on a mission are soon returning from their scavenger hunt, all loaded down--A case of beer or two or three a few other bags and all three smoking. One of them has the brilliant idea to save himself a few steps and leap from the upper dock straight onto the boat so he doesn't have to step down to the lower dock and then onto the boat. He was UNSUCCESSFUL!!! One misplaced step, and he goes for a nice little plummet straight in between the boat and the dock. At the same time he pushed the boat far enough away from the dock to unbalance our captain who was still fueling. He also goes in for a swim, fuel still going all over the place. Well, in true commrade fashion, the other two drop their things and begin laughing hysterically.

I wasn't far behind, let me tell you! One of the best laughs, I've had. Luckily, the cigarettes hadn't started a fire, and secondly most of the fuel was spilled on land, not in the water as the fuel hose recoiled into the housing. The boat is now fully out in the open channel swinging from the bow line. What a sight!

You see all kinds!
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Old 03-25-2002, 02:34 PM
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Dam dude, my wheel on my mouse broke reading that!!!!

Should have gone to the west coast yesterday, went out in east lake, when returning to my truck I noticed it was broken into, lost a 1.50 in change and my wallet , that sucks big time

Last edited by skatermike24; 03-25-2002 at 02:37 PM.
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Old 03-25-2002, 02:40 PM
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Two weeks ago, we were coming in and tied to the dock. The boat launch is very wide, and many people just launch between the docks. One guy, a girl, and a kid were trying to launch between the docks. It was about a 16 foot open fish, looked to be brand new. Obviously, they were brand new at it too. They get the boat off the trailer with the man and the kid in the boat, the lady standing on the ramp watching. He can't get the motor started, and the wind is pushing them down on me. The lady jumps in the water to try to keep them off me. Of course, by the time she reaches the boat, it is over her head, and all she can do is cling to the side of the boat. Naturally it was the side that was about to crash into me, and she was about to become the meat in a boat sandwich. We managed to fend them off, get a line on the boat, so the lady gets in shallow water and pulls them to the original launch point. He still can't get the motor started, and she is standing at the stern holding the boat in place. I was praying he didn't get it started. She is about two feet from the prop, and the boat is bouncing around pretty good. He finally gives up, so they change places. She gets in while he is standing in the water holding the boat, and proceeds to get the engine started. The motor is still tilted up, not in the water at all. She cranks it up to about 5000 rpm, but can't understand why the boat isn't moving. They swap places again, with the motor turning 5000 r's. He gets in the boat, and somehow manages to get it in gear at 5000. She is standing there, and the props are just barely touching the water, all this going on with a kid in the bow. I was sure we were going to see some body part amputated from her, but she escaped unscathed. It was like a horror movie, I could barely make myself watch. We were pulling out as he finally got the boat under control. She is walking up the ramp and tell us "You would think he would know what he is doing, after all, he's a lawer!" As if that gave him some inate knowledge of boating. I just told her, "Well, that explains it".
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Old 03-25-2002, 02:45 PM
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Now these stories are a great way to start the week. I'm LMAO here in from of my work station!!! All my co-workers think I was drinking at lunch now!!!!
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Old 03-25-2002, 03:46 PM
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What I hate most is when people do at the ramp what should have been done before they left, like putting the coolers in, supplies etc....

I also think it is prudent to run the boat on a hose before driving to a ramp. If it won't start at home in the water is unlikely also.

My favorite sign is "do it in the parking lot, not on the ramp" at a local marina.

Loading the boat is always fun to watch, just yesterday, some old hardcore backwoods dude was driving his beat down old cruiser on a trailer that is sunk to deep, every time the driver tried to raise it it fell crooked, so, he grabs a boat oar and tries to drive on and push of the dock each try.
FINALLY he gives up and drives it home all of the bunk on one side....
All this happened with an adult man on the pier smiling, I ask him to tend one of my lines and he just grunted and never moved!
Oh well, it is still early in the season, this thread should grow quick and make good light reading.
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Old 03-25-2002, 04:08 PM
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Default I'm PISSED...

I spend 15 minutes typing some of my favorites and the server was messed up.... here goes in SUMMARY of course...

first was an electrician who tried to launch his boat by himself,, how do I know he was an electrician,, when they dragged his ford ranger up the ramp with the tow-truck on its side, his cap ripped off and all his tools and hundreds of wire nuts, connectors and such spilled out all over the ramp, amazingle his LADDERS were still attached,, guess what was still attached to the back,,,, The trailer of course... The truck popped out of gear rolled into the water, off the end of the ramp and rolled onto its side...

Second,, same ramp, come in after a long day of boating, only to be stopped by the marine patrol from using the ramp,,, look in at the ramp, there is a pickup with a rope attached to its bumper and under the water is a WHITE GLOW,,, I say dammm that looks like a CADDY, sure enough, a guy pulls his buddies brand new 94 eldorado in to pick up the boat,, his buddy tells him to hit and splash right into the water,,,, he left it in reverse.. the roof was a foot under water....

Third,,,, Boat ramp at Gully's bar on the hudson, this drunk guy is pulling out his 23 foot cruiser with a KIA SPORTAGE, with a 1 inch square tube hitch, must have weighed about 4,500 with the trailer,,,, tells me the guy at u-haul said it would be fine.... SURE !!!!

Same ramp,,, guy pulls his 93 chevy caprice in to pick up the boat,,, car is under water up to the trunk,,, can't even see the trailer,,, he gets a running start at it,, goes up and over the trailer onto the trunk of the car and right through the rear window..... backs up and takes another run at it..... meanwhile 500 people at the bar over looking the ramp and clapping and chearing this moron...
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Old 03-25-2002, 04:19 PM
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Default forgot this one...

Waiting to put the boat in at the ramp,,, dad and son in the boat in front of me are tying off lines and stuff,,, dads getting ready to back in,, I ask the Dad if he is going out or putting in,, he give me a smart ass remark and asks why,, I ask him if he is going to remove his transom tie-downs,,, he removes them,, not so much as a thanks,,, so I figure what the hell I'm going to see a good show,, because what he also forgot was the PLUG,, he puts the boat in the kid is holding the boat while dads parks the truck,,,,he comes back to the ramp spends a few minutes getting started and the kid asks DAD is there supposed to be water in the CABIN,,,,, dad yells the preverbial OH' ****'''' jumps in the 58 degree water, its over his head and he is blowing bubbles.......... I laughed so hard,,,
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