"Deadliest Catch" Unionized
04-18-2011, 01:33 PM
#1
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"Deadliest Catch" Unionized
In response to pressure that public sector employees “just don’t work as hard” as private sector employees – and get better pay and benefits – a number of public employee unions have banded together and done something about it. Next season, the popular Discovery network show “Deadliest Catch” will feature an all union deck crew on one boat.
As you might guess, making this happen will require some changes to the Bearing Sea crab fishing experience so many viewers have become accustomed to over the past few seasons. The most notable changes are as follows:
- A search is on for a suitable boat. Crab boats from previous seasons have been between 95’ and 125’ in length. A much bigger boat is needed to accommodate individual staterooms, a break room, and additional sleeping quarters for cooks, laundry service, a Union Steward and an “Adjustment Compartment.” (See below)
- The Captain will no longer directly control the deck crew or the pace of work. These will all be negotiated (a year in advance) through a collective bargaining process and written agreement / contract. Any deviation from the contract will lead to a grievance being filed and an immediate work stoppage.
- The deck crew will no longer be required to work in “unsafe” conditions endured by other boats in the fleet. Permissible fishing weather is now very tightly defined so as to avoid any crew member from becoming uncomfortable due to excessive wind, wave height, temperature or other conditions. Should any crew member become “uncomfortable,” they will be allowed to go below decks to the “Adjustment Compartment” for as much time as they deem necessary to become “comfortable.” In the mean time, the rest of the deck crew will have a “Safety Stand Down” and not be able to do any fishing until the missing crew member returns. If the missing crew member does not return by the end of the shift, the entire shift will be cancelled.
- Speaking of the deck crew, the days of “green horns” quitting due to unfair and excessive pressure during their first (6) seasons is now strictly prohibited. The contract calls for an “Apprentice” program where young men can now learn the craft of crab fishing in a controlled environment from more experienced deck crew members (with more seniority) by doing most of the actual work.
- Rest periods will also be tightly defined and monitored as per the contract – for safety reasons of course. Each member of the deck crew is guaranteed at least 12 hours of sleep per day and cannot work more than 6 hours per day out on deck. The remaining 6 hours is reserved for safety training, union meetings, “spiritual revitalization” and union promotional activities.
- The crab “quota” for the union boat will be the same as all other boats in the fleet. But, since weather conditions specified in the contract do not exist during the current crab season, a new “union only” crab season will be opened. Since non-union boats will not be allowed to fish during this much safer (and longer) season, the crew is virtually assured of making their quota.
- Crab brought to port by the union boat will be off-loaded only by a unionized dock crew. Unlike the other boats, dead crab will be included in the crab count because the crabs too have been unionized and this is included in their contract. Stores and restaurants are by law required to buy at least 50% union crab at a 77% price premium over non-union crab. (An “Eat Union Crab or You’re Un-American” campaign is scheduled to kick off just before the next season of the show.)
- Speaking of unionized crab, an extensive ad campaign advising crab not to cross picket lines surrounding “non-union pots” has been gearing up as I write this.
When asked what he thought of the new competition, Captain Sig Hansen of the Northwestern replied, “No f___ing way is some G_d d____d group of slackers on a f_____g cruise ship going to compete for my paycheck!” The Union Steward immediately filed a grievance with the National Labor Relations Board.
As you might guess, making this happen will require some changes to the Bearing Sea crab fishing experience so many viewers have become accustomed to over the past few seasons. The most notable changes are as follows:
- A search is on for a suitable boat. Crab boats from previous seasons have been between 95’ and 125’ in length. A much bigger boat is needed to accommodate individual staterooms, a break room, and additional sleeping quarters for cooks, laundry service, a Union Steward and an “Adjustment Compartment.” (See below)
- The Captain will no longer directly control the deck crew or the pace of work. These will all be negotiated (a year in advance) through a collective bargaining process and written agreement / contract. Any deviation from the contract will lead to a grievance being filed and an immediate work stoppage.
- The deck crew will no longer be required to work in “unsafe” conditions endured by other boats in the fleet. Permissible fishing weather is now very tightly defined so as to avoid any crew member from becoming uncomfortable due to excessive wind, wave height, temperature or other conditions. Should any crew member become “uncomfortable,” they will be allowed to go below decks to the “Adjustment Compartment” for as much time as they deem necessary to become “comfortable.” In the mean time, the rest of the deck crew will have a “Safety Stand Down” and not be able to do any fishing until the missing crew member returns. If the missing crew member does not return by the end of the shift, the entire shift will be cancelled.
- Speaking of the deck crew, the days of “green horns” quitting due to unfair and excessive pressure during their first (6) seasons is now strictly prohibited. The contract calls for an “Apprentice” program where young men can now learn the craft of crab fishing in a controlled environment from more experienced deck crew members (with more seniority) by doing most of the actual work.
- Rest periods will also be tightly defined and monitored as per the contract – for safety reasons of course. Each member of the deck crew is guaranteed at least 12 hours of sleep per day and cannot work more than 6 hours per day out on deck. The remaining 6 hours is reserved for safety training, union meetings, “spiritual revitalization” and union promotional activities.
- The crab “quota” for the union boat will be the same as all other boats in the fleet. But, since weather conditions specified in the contract do not exist during the current crab season, a new “union only” crab season will be opened. Since non-union boats will not be allowed to fish during this much safer (and longer) season, the crew is virtually assured of making their quota.
- Crab brought to port by the union boat will be off-loaded only by a unionized dock crew. Unlike the other boats, dead crab will be included in the crab count because the crabs too have been unionized and this is included in their contract. Stores and restaurants are by law required to buy at least 50% union crab at a 77% price premium over non-union crab. (An “Eat Union Crab or You’re Un-American” campaign is scheduled to kick off just before the next season of the show.)
- Speaking of unionized crab, an extensive ad campaign advising crab not to cross picket lines surrounding “non-union pots” has been gearing up as I write this.
When asked what he thought of the new competition, Captain Sig Hansen of the Northwestern replied, “No f___ing way is some G_d d____d group of slackers on a f_____g cruise ship going to compete for my paycheck!” The Union Steward immediately filed a grievance with the National Labor Relations Board.
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04-18-2011, 01:46 PM
#6
Banned
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