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Cool Boater List - how do you rate

Old 06-07-2002, 09:02 AM
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Default Cool Boater List - how do you rate

Here is a list that Waterfoul and I put together about three years ago for our local boat club (SEA100 in Holland Mich) most of you will ace this. but see how you rate, and add some more

it is in the context of male ego gear head kind of stuff.


1. Should be at a minimum a weekend NASCAR fan.
2. Should know who won the last race, and where the next race is.
3. Cool flag displaying favorite sports team, NASCAR driver, alma mater, etc...
4. Must have some form of Carribean/tropical CD for cruising the channel, or just Bob Marley. No buffett i guess
5. MUST have cool stereo (Subs are a must) to play afformentioned tunes on.
6. Boat owner must have a tan (cannot be dutch pale white w/ beat red sunburn) .ie most Holland boaters on Memorial day!!!
7. Must have a stainless prop (+1 if polished, +1 if 4 blade, +1 if labbed, +1 if twins, -1 if bravo III's )
8. Must have opperable trim tabs
9. Must have depth gauge to keep from hitting the bottom with
stainless prop
10. Vessel must be Coast Gaurd legal
11. Cool poker run type vest pfd's must outnumber the less than cool orange pfd's
12. Boat owner should have at least one subscription to a Boating
magazine (or a buddy that has 3 subscriptions)
13. Trailer must be in good mechanical condition: Lights work, brakes work, BUNKS are in good shape, no roller trailers, etc...
14. Tow vehicle must be a truck or sport utility vehicle
15. Said vehicle must be a 4x4
16. Said vehicle must be clean when towing the boat (mudding is
allowed and encouraged when not towing the boat, ie 4x4 is necessary)
17. Boat must be clean and waxed
18. Must have a good anchor with lots of rode (not rope,
see #20)
19. VHF antenna CANNOT be vertical, must be angled aft, -10 for vertical antenna
20. Boat owner uses proper nautical terms: starbord, port, fore and aft, stern, bow, MPH (knots are for blow boters), rode, use of the word Rope while on the water - 20
21. Boat must have at least one V-8 motor
22. Thru-hull exhaust
24. Dead rise must be a minumum of 23 degrees
25. Boat must have a cool name displayed prominently
26. NO feminine names
27. Boat driver must(not necessarily the owner, who WILL) have a cool boating shirt
28. Boat should be equiped with cool towels to protect new or clean vinyl
29. MUST have cool shades to keep wind/bugs/bow spray out of drivers eyes
30. NO lines or fenders (Overtons calls them FENDERS) hanging while under way (qualifies as a safety item also)
31. Cool stickers are recomended
32. Tow vehicle will have a V-8 engine (if not your boat is not very cool, to small)
33. Tow vehicle should have a nice stereo to play cool tunes on while towing cool boat
34. If cool boat does not do at least 60 mph, get a cooler boat!
35. A cool boater puts boating ahead of doing yard work (unless it means sleeping on the couch or better half is pregnant)
36. Weather is irrelevent. Period!
37. Sea conditions are irrelevent (to a point of being safe)
38. Cooler must be full of cold beverages
39. Coolies for cans are a must
40. Power sun deck is impressive
41. GPS is cool
42. Must be able to get major air time launching off 3-5 ft swells without killing anyone on board. Scaring them to death is however, recomended.
43. Chicks on board is a must. If you have none, cruising for chicks is necessary.
44. Boating alone is allowed only under the following circumstances:
a. Trying to get an accurate top speed reading
b. You put in early before anyone else is out of work to get a slip at a busy marina.
c. You scared passengers wave jumping and they bailed out on
you (see #42)
45. A cool boater WILL tow his fellow cool boaters to gas/safety
46. A cool boater will NEVER let his fellow cool boater forget that he was on the wrong end of the tow rope (he may/will need help some
47. A cool boater will dock his boat on the first try. Period. Wind
and sea conditions are irrelevent. Compensate or get out of
cool boating (buy a blow bote).
48. A cool boater does not carry on a conversation on VHF channel
16 or allow his children/passengers to do so (major pet peave)
49. A cool boater will know the weather forcast for the coming
weekend by Tuesday (see #36)
50. A cool boater will go NO WAKE around marinas and moored boats
51. A cool boater will obey the rules of boating when riding a
borrowed PWC (sea-doo) and not interfere with other cool
52. A cool boater will not let his friends/relatives buy a Bayliner
(AKA Bottomliner)
53. Cool boaters always observe the proper launch ramp etiquet:
a. Be prepared when you get there. It is easier to do in the driveway at home any way.
b. NEVER do boat repairs in the ramp unless it means you
are going to sink, or something as tragic
c. NEVER (and this is the biggest) pull you boat out and stop to do clean up in front of the ramp. You just pulled your truck/trailer out of a parking spot, go back there! Your in the Way! My friend Mike will kill you for this!

54. Hitch ball must be 2 5/16". If not, your boat is too small.
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Old 06-07-2002, 09:37 AM
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Old 06-07-2002, 10:09 AM
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Boy, I sure failed that one! Guess I'd better be going...
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Old 06-07-2002, 10:14 AM
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Well other then the first three, i aced that one!
Good one!

Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy horsepower. And I've never seen a sad person hauling a$$!
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Old 06-07-2002, 10:20 AM
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I think we have a new Constitution!!!!
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Old 06-07-2002, 10:49 AM
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Get this
Take all the ones you failed and put them all together and imagine what you would look like

16 ft bayliner with a vertical antenna and no thru hulls, with some girly name on it like wilma, playing a news radio station, wearing a gay shirt, no sunglasses and bugs in your teeth from running through the weeds cause you cant hang in the channel with no women or anyone on board, ghost white no tan, and your boat is filthy and dirty and not waxed and your FENDERS are hangin on all 4 corners and your boat still is all bashed up and your trying to get a hold of yer redneck wife on channel 16

Sorry could not resist

Actually what is worse than this is having a 10 thou pound paperweight in your driveway!!!!!!!!!
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Old 06-07-2002, 11:00 AM
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Old 06-07-2002, 11:03 AM
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Tooo funny.

I agree with Baja Daze, adopt as a new constitution.
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Old 06-07-2002, 11:13 AM
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I agree with Wally....I meet every cool boater standard but the first three.

That was pretty funny Jay......but you forgot one thing....The guy pulls his Bayliner with his 1982 Wood paneled station wagon (the family truckster -- Vacation)!!

Last edited by hi-perf-2000; 06-07-2002 at 11:18 AM.
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Old 06-07-2002, 11:32 AM
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hey, wait a minute I'm Irish, I'm a little sensitive about the size thingy no punn intended
with a 16' Donzi
i got the right answers to


so I guess I'm not cool

I'd rather be a dork than sell my boat
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