Snappy Comebacks.............
 

Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid he had stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up
that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Don't mess with these ladies
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure
gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Too Late
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."




:D :D

Re: Snappy Comebacks.............
 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by PhantomChaos
[B]Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid he had stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"Allright pal, where's the fire?" the cop said.
The kid replied, "In your eyes officer!" :eek: :eek:

When pulled over by a cop for drunk driving the cop asked the driver why he was behind the wheel in such a condition.

the drunk replied:

" good thing I had my keys!!!! I could have never walked home in this condition!!"

Ex Wife
 

My ex had red hair, and when she got pulled over one time for running a red/yellow light, she denied it and the cop said, it was as red as your hair and she said no it was as yellow as your teeth.

she always noticed that kinda stuff, cause she worked for a dentist.



Got pulled over one day after passing a cop going the other way,
he turned around and gassed on it so I did too, after a bout 3 miles he caught me and said I know you saw me turn around, why did you speed up?..............I told him my wife ran off with a state trooper and I was afraid he was bringing her back.

these are two honest to goodness replies by my wife. I've been dying for the opportunity to bring them up

when she was sat down by her boss on a particularly testy day her boss said to her

" now you know there is no "I" in team.

her reply.... " I know.. but there is "ME" !!!!

when given a hard time by men in her closings ( she is an escrow agent - makes you sign your life a way to get your mortgage)

she will say:

" I may be as young as your daughter, but I'm as *****y as your wife, so sit down and sign this!!"

New wife
 

Told all my friends in front of my new wife that I wore the pants in this family, and then she told em that was true but, she controlled the zipper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Hi everyone, I would like for you all to meet my first wife."

(Think about that one for a second.)

Officer asked to see my driver’s license and registration. I looked in that glove box for 20 minutes before I realized I was sitting in his car!!!!

during an argument I told my wife that I wore the pants in this family.

she handed me a pair of jeans and said, "ok........"

I told her I couldn't get in her pants.

and she said : " and with your attitude, you never will"

Officer: Do you realize the speed limit is 55 mph?

Me: I know, but I'm only going to be driving for 20 minutes.....

And this one at Home Depot:

While I'm carrying 60 pounds of something (forget what)

Guy in Lumber Section: You need a cart?

ME: Sure.

Guy: I'm just making fun of you.

ME: Oh, you work here?

Guy: Yeah.

ME: I'm just making fun of you.......:D

TRUE STORY:

I was in driving school this past Sat and they went around the room where everybody had to tell the instructor (a retired NY cop with an attitude) what they did wrong.


Girl in class: "I was speeding, going 95 in a 65 MPH zone"
Instructor: "What were you driving, a 4 cyl Honda?"
Girl in class: "Yes, I have a Honda civic"
Instructor: "Figures....Next"
Guy in class: "I was speeding going 105 in a 65 MPH zone"
Instructor: "That's pretty fast, what do you drive, a Honda civic?"
Guy in class: "No, I drive an SL500"
Instructor: "Wow, that's a nice car. A Honda goes 100 MPH, why do you need an SL500?"
Guy in class: "Because I can afford it."
Instructor: "Next"

True story;
Years ago one of my phsyco buddies figured out that he could drive his new GTA with his feet while sitting on the roof (through the T roof )of the car with the cruise control on.
Yep sure enough we drove right past a cop.
My buddy still waits until the cop has his lights on to get back in the car. I thought we were going to get shot. Looking in the mirror I could see he was furious and I was quite nervous to say the least.
As he comes to the window, mouth open about to scream my buddy interupts with......." I ****ed up you Fuzziness!". With that I almost wet myself and the cop stands back and say, what did you call me. My budddy again say very matter-o-factly, "Your Fuzziness". For a split second the cop is speachless and tells us if he see's us again we are in a load of **** and tells us to leave, NOW!
I dont know how or why but this kid pulled **** like this all the time and got away with it. It was always a little nerve racking to hang around with him.

I told my wife we should have gotten a pre-nup before we got married. She asked why, and I said "so I can leave this marriage with everything I brought into it". She said "I don't want your waterbed anyway".

Trooper chasing a woman for speeding. She speeds up even more, then comes to a screeching stops at the corner gas station, runs into the restroom. Upon exiting the restroom the trooper was waiting for her. When she saw him she just smiled and said
"Bet you didn't think I was going to make it either, did you!"
Trooper just shook his head and walked off.
True story from a newspaper article dated from the 50's in my grandfathers photo albums.
Heck you know it's old cause she just ran into the restroom.........DIDN'T NEED A KEY !!!!!!!

true story
after getting a past car fixed--1991 Barreta--I was hauling ass down a country highway
I lived there for a while so I knew the road well
I was getting ready to come up to a little hill and then a stop sigh about 1/2 mile later.
I let off the gas. when i let off the gas I was doing just over 100
reason for this was to test the front end. It had a shimmy and shake in it before at anyhitng over 65.
Just topped the hill and the local sheriff is coming the other way :(
He topps the hill and goes out of eyesight of me. I however see him hit the brakes to turn around.
Before he even gets turned around adn back over the hill to see me I am parked on the side of the road waiting :)
he parks and comes up to me and asks " why you just sitting here?"
I replied that I knew I was wrong, you seen me, you were turning around, why keep going? :)
He asked the usuall ? as to why I was goin so fast. Told him about the repairs and i just got hte car back. Thought I felt the shake again on the way home. Showed him the repair papers and he said next time you want to run 70mph on a country road to take it to the interstate instead :)
If he only knew I was on a coasting slow down from 100+
:)

Your Fuzziness!!!! I love it.

This is a story my mom loves to tell....

One day she got pulled over for speeding in town. It just so happened that my dad came up on this. He slowed down and opened his window and yelled to the cop "Give her hell officer!!"
The cop looked at my mom and asked if she new who that was. She tells him its her husband. The cop looks at her and tells she can go with this reason..."lady you don't need a ticket from me, looks like you have enough problems as it is" So my mom drove off and met my dad for lunch for a big laugh.

1998...
After getting my built LT-4 back into my vette, a buddy and I decided to see how close the ECM program was calibrated to the new engine.
We took the Gtech and laptop with us.
Out on the Highway we go at around 11:30pm on a weeknight.
We did a few 4th gear pulls and the last one(of course) was past a cop on the roadside shootin radar.
He comes up on us and flashes us over...I pull over and didn't notice the Gtech flashing "120"..."MPH"..."120"..."MPH".
When he got to the car he asked me how fast we thought we where going?
I looked at the Gtech and laughed out "120 Sir?"
He laughed and said that I was close..."122mph"
We talked about Vettes for a few minutes and he sent us on our way!?!?

OK BOY'S TRUE STORY.

I WAS WITH A BUDDY OF MINE AND HE WAS DRUNK AS ****. WE WERE GOING DOWN A ONE WAY STREET. WE PASSED A COP AND HE PULLED US OVER. THE COP SAY'S SON DO YOU REALIZE YOUR GOING DOWN A ONE WAY STREET. MY FRIEND REPLIED ABSOLUTLY SIR I WAS ONLY GOING ONE WAY. I ONLY ASSUME BECAUSE OF THE BEWILDERED LOOK ON THE COPS FACE HE HAD NEVER HERD THAT BEFORE SO HE LET HIM GO CONTINUING TO DRIVE DOWN A ONE WAY STREET. I LAUGHED ALL THE WAY.

TREADWELL

Years ago I was late picking up my girlfriend (previous) for a date and of course I was hauling ass. Got clocked on radar 74 in a 55. I told the cop I was late to pick up my girlfriend, and he, with a smile, said "Now your going to be real late". Then he asked me how long my windshield has been broken. I said "That happened yesterday sir". He went back to his car and my girlfriend drives by the other way. She u-turns and pulls up behind me, gets out and walks to my window and *****es me out for always being late. Then gets back in her car and peels tires leaving. The cop came back to my car and asked if that was her. I said "Yes it was".
He only wrote me a defective equipment ticket for my windshield.:D

Many years ago, I was hauling ass home at 2:30 in the morning and got pulled over, I was pretty drunk and figured I was going to jail anyway. The cop asked me what I was doing, I said "Trying to get home before I pass out." He laughed and said he'd follow me home.

PS, the State of Florida made me a believer on not doing that years ago.

Once I was at a bar (imagine that) with some people I worked with. There was one guy that hardly ever went out with us. He was a real nice guy, just kind of shy. Some hottie in the bar walked up to him and asked him if he was gay. It hurt his feelings and pissed me off. I waited between songs, then asked her if she wanted to dance. She looks down her nose at me and says real ***** like, "I don't THINK so." I replied to her in a real loud voice, "That's ok, I had to take a **** anyway.":D

Another time I was in a bar (do you see a trend here?) with a buddy of mine and some ***** he brought with him. She and I didn't like each other, and it was showing pretty well. He leans over to me and whispers "Can't you say anything nice to her?" So I lean over to her and say"You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl".

True Story
 

I didn't even have my license yet I was 14 I think. I was ridding shotgun in my cousins GTO Judge down a back country road with lots of rolling hills. He was showing me how cool it felt when a car is on the edge of airborn. We were hitting 100 consistantly.
Needless to say, a county sherrif stopped us. As the officer walked up the side of the car my cousin rolled down his window and said "Yea, I want a cheeseburger, fry's and a chocolate shake"
The sherrif just laughed and said "Slow it down boys, there are alot of deer on this road late at night!?" and walked away.

Cuda

Next time you ask a woman to dance and she says no, tell her "no no I said you look fat in those pants" :eek: :eek:

ex-squeeze me?

All my friends who drive say you can get out of it until you get one ticket....

Just Once, didnt you say that also? How many times have you been pulled over? :D