Offshoreonly.com - Hump Day Humor (not the original)

Offense intended for everyone!!!!!
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
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Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
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What's the difference between a new husband and a
new dog? After a year,
the dog is still excited to see you.
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What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one
to talk to during orgasm.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the
stove and refrigerator.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth
grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump
your leg with their
eyes closed.

How do you know when you're leading a sad life? When
a nymphomaniac
tells you, 'Lets just be friends.'

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have
cotton balls.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws
old ladies? A Bingo
Machine.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer
Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1,
and Deer Nuts
are always under a buck.

What three two-letter words mean small?
'Is It In?'

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

If you are having sex with two women and one more
walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings most likely.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office
is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have
in common? Men miss them all.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have
eyes.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying 'Yo.'

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep
under each arm? A Pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale
and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time.' A
Southern fairytale begins ''Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'