Offshoreonly.com - OT-Monopoly for Liberals 2 Posts

Monopoly For Liberals
By
Bob Ellis

While playing Monopoly with my daughter and her cousin this Christmas vacation, I was struck by how out-dated the classic game has become. The game of Monopoly was created in 1934 in an age when people understood the value of the capitalist economic system. Indeed, it was invented by an out-of-work but entrepreneurial man named Charles Darrow.

In those days, people realized that, while capitalism isn't without its problems and pitfalls, it is the fairest, most practical and most all around beneficial method of producing wealth for a broad spectrum of people that's ever been devised. But sadly the game no longer resembles reality.

Capitalism in America is no longer what it was in 1934. Capitalism in America has been enslaved by an unrestrained socialist government run by liberals who believe entrepreneurship is one of the greatest evils ever visited upon the human race.

In the interest of realism, I thought we should modernize the game and make it more like the situation we live under in the America of 2003. The new game will be called "Monopoly for Liberals," and here's how it's played:

• Be sure to have lots of paper and a fresh pen on hand for each player, since the rules of the game will become increasingly more complex as time goes by. Players will be required to comply with more and more rules, and pay more and more taxes, as the game progresses. Any player found not in compliance with any rules, or failing to pay any taxes levied during the game, will go immediately to Jail without passing go, without collecting $200, and after paying government court costs of $250 K.

• Only one die will be used; wouldn't want anyone getting too far behind (or too far ahead), would we?

• If you buy a space, you pay the bank. If you spend the $100 K necessary to put a hotel on it, this money also goes to the bank.

• However, you have to buy a permit from the government for $100 K (the money for this goes on the NEW space called "Comrade Sam"-"Uncle Sam" is too benevolent a term).

• You must also pay $100 K to Comrade Sam for an environmental impact study, evaluating the property for the impact of development on wetlands and endangered species.

• Once you have paid for the permits and environmental impact study up front, you can do nothing with the property for 2 turns until the study is completed.

• After those two turns, you must roll the die to see how your environmental impact study came out. Rolls of 3 or below means you are clear to develop your property with hotels. A roll of 4 or higher means you have wetlands and/or endangered species on your property, and you will NEVER be allowed to develop the property. You may sell the property to anyone dopey enough to buy it, but they will be required to go through the permits and environmental impact study process anew.

• Each time you put a new hotel on a space, you must purchase a new permit and have a fresh environmental impact study done for wetlands, endangered species, etc.

• If you are rolling for a subsequent hotel on a property, the same rules apply for the results of the die. However, if a new wetland and/or endangered species are found on your property, you can keep your pre-existing hotels and pay an additional 15% of the hotel(s) value each turn to pay for government oversight of the wetlands/endangered species.

• Each turn, when you pass Go, accomplish the following actions:

• If you have less than 2 spaces, you pay no taxes other than 6% of your annual income to Social Security

• If you have 3-5 spaces.

• You must pay a 15% tax on any money you have, a 15% tax on the value of any spaces you have, a 15% tax on the value of any hotels you have, and a 6% tax on your annual income to pay for Social Security.

• If you have more than one hotel on each space, you must pay double Social Security tax.

• If you have more than 5 spaces.

• You must pay a 25% tax on any money you have, a 25% tax on the value of any spaces you have, a 25% tax on the value of any hotels you have, and a 6% tax on your annual income to pay for Social Security.

• If you have more than one hotel on each space, you must pay double Social Security tax.

• If someone lands on your space, they must pay you the specified amount, plus a 6% sales tax to Comrade Sam. You also have to pay Comrade Sam 15% of your income for this transaction to pay your fair share.

• If you land on someone else's space and must pay them the specified amount, plus a 6% percent sales tax to Comrade Sam.

• The following are some of the "Chance" and "Community Chest" cards:

• The deck contains 2 "tax cut" cards, each of which will get you $50 K from Comrade Sam for the next 2 times you pass Go. You are only eligible to receive these tax cuts if you own 2 or fewer spaces.

• The deck contains 2 "tax shelter" cards, each of which will excuse you from paying property taxes on your spaces and hotels (but no other taxes, fees, etc) for the next 2 turns. You are only eligible to use these tax shelters if you own 5 or more spaces.

• The deck contains several "sales tax," "luxury tax," "user fees", and other things like new car taxes, car license plates, etc. All of these taxes and fees are paid to Comrade Sam.

• The deck contains 10 cards which will allow you to collect $100 K from Comrade Sam if you will elect to do nothing and skip a turn. Note: you cannot collect any other income during that round, even if someone lands on a space you own. You are, however, liable for any taxes, fees, etc., that are levied against all players.

• One card says "Liberals gain seats in your district, pay additional 10% income tax for the next 2 turns."

• Another card says "Media alleges you haven't been paying your fair share; pay $150 K for public relations campaign."

• "Environmental group claims your property is producing toxic waste, killing local wildlife; pay $150 K to shut them up."

• "NAACP claims your hiring practices are discriminatory, pay $200 K to shut them up."

• "Your employees form a labor union, alleging you run a sweatshop. Pay additional 25% of your income to operating expenses (the bank) each turn."

• "Watchdog group alleges you have unsafe working conditions in your facilities, pay $1 M to upgrade work conditions."

• "Feminist group alleges sexual harassment rampant in your company; pay $500 to shut them up."

• "Consumer group alleges your hotels are unsafe for visitors; pay $1.5 M to upgrade facilities and $1 M to shut them up."

• "A government review reveals a new law which was passed since your hotels were built requires you to make improvements to bring you into compliance with the new government regulations. Pay $1 M to bank for improvements and $2 M to Comrade Sam for violating the new regulations."

• "You inherit a farm from a relative worth $2 M but all the value is ties up in land and equipment; inheritance tax on this farm is $1.5M since you are now one of the 'Evil Rich' land barons; you must sell the land and equipment quickly and for far less than it is worth in order to pay the inheritance tax of $1.5M; you get $1 M for the land and equipment, and have to pay the remaining $500 K out of your pocket."

• "You get lung cancer because of years of smoking; if you own more than 2 properties, you must pay $1 M for medical expenses. If you own less than 2 properties, all players who own more than 2 properties must pay your $1 M hospital bill, plus they must pay an additional $250 K for additional expenses drummed up by the hospital when they found out Medicaid would be paying your bill, and an additional $250 K to Comrade Sam for Medicaid Administration cost."

• "Stock you have in another company has earned a $250 K dividend this year, but you must pay your fair share of $100 K of it to Comrade Sam."

• "A manufacturing company you own has been put out of business by cheap foreign goods that you can't compete with; pay $100 K to liquidate this company at a loss."

• "A fruit farm you own is having trouble competing with other farms; pay $100 K to liquidate your farming business at a loss, or hire illegal immigrant workers and roll the die to see if you can get away with it-a roll of 4 or higher results in a government fine of $250 K paid to Comrade Sam."

• There are 2 railroad spaces on the board, but instead of being for sale, when a player lands on them, all players who own more than 2 spaces must pay $250 K to Comrade Sam to keep Amtrak afloat.

• There is 1 electric company space on the board, but instead of being for sale, when someone lands on it, all players who own more than 2 spaces must pay $250 K each to Comrade Sam to bail out the utility companies that are bankrupt because Comrade Sam placed price controls on them.

• There is one water-works space which, when someone lands on it, will require all players who own more than 2 spaces to pay $250 to comply with new Clean Water standards.