Like Tree0Likes

OT: The Complete Military History of France !!!

Reply
Old 02-19-2003, 12:05 AM
  #1
Registered
Thread Starter
 
Risk Taker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: New Hampshuu !!
Posts: 2,808
Talking OT: The Complete Military History of France !!!

1. Gallic Wars
In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, the Italians .

2. Hundred Years War
Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

3. Italian Wars
France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars
when fighting Italians.

4. Wars of Religion
France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

5. Thirty Years War
France is technically not a participant, but manages to get
invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

6. War of Revolution
Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

7. The Dutch War
Tied

8. War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War; Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

9. War of the Spanish Succession
Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a
Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

10. American Revolution
In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans,
France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

11. French Revolution
Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French

12. The Napoleonic Wars
Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to
leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

13. The Franco-Prussian War
Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's
ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

14. World War I
Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

15. World War II
Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain
just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

16. War in Indochina
Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien
Bien Flu.

17. Algerian Rebellion
Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a
Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare, "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

18. War on Terrorism
France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans
and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French
should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

As it was recently stated in the Wall Street Journal about the
French, "They're there when they need you."

Risk Taker is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 02-19-2003, 07:19 AM
  #2
Gold Member
Gold Member
 
Iggy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Kissimmee, Florida
My Boats: '88 Formula F-206 LS
Posts: 4,155
Default

Very good.

Unfortunately it'll piss off a few people.
But you know what?......F**k'em if they can't take a joke!
Iggy is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 02-19-2003, 07:36 AM
  #3
Platinum Member
Platinum Member
 
Steve 1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Beautiful Fort Lauderdale www.cheetahcat.com
My Boats: Slippery when wet!
Posts: 10,833
Default

True
Steve 1 is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 02-19-2003, 07:53 AM
  #4
Platinum Member
Platinum Member
 
Sonic30ss's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: CT
My Boats: 1987 Sonic 30 SS 1998 45' Wellcraft Excalibur
Posts: 1,056
Default

Truth hurts
Sonic30ss is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 02-19-2003, 08:11 AM
  #5
Charter Member #927
Charter Member
 
Payton's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: IN
My Boats: 1991 34' Super Hawaii
Posts: 4,817
Default

That's funny, and true.
Payton is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 02-19-2003, 08:31 AM
  #6
Platinum Member
Platinum Member
 
CigDaze's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: St. Petersburg, FL
My Boats: Cigarette 35 Cafe Racer
Posts: 21,346
Default

Sad, but true.

Irrelevency expressed so well!
CigDaze is offline  
Reply With Quote
Reply

Related Topics
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post
MitchStellin
General Boating Discussion
8
03-05-2004 07:57 PM
florida gator
General Boating Discussion
9
03-17-2003 10:42 PM
Risk Taker
General Boating Discussion
13
02-26-2003 08:37 AM
Von Bongo
General Boating Discussion
1
02-20-2003 07:09 PM



Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:16 PM.


Copyright 2011 OffShoreOnly. All rights reserved.