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The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, spring is here - let's talk about tools

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Old 04-24-2003, 01:19 PM
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Default The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, spring is here - let's talk about tools

Originally posted over on the old Arizona Hot Boats Association website, this proves that true wisdom is indeed timeless.

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TOOLS EXPLAINED
By Craig Bonhoff


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive boat parts not far from the object we are trying to "adjust". Available in a variety of sizes, which is typically chosen based on the amount of time you have already wasted attempting to "solve a problem". Available with a head made of steel, plastic, brass or hard rubber. As a side note, only the steel head has a practical use, no logical use for the other materials has ever been discovered. Some models equipped with the fly away head option. AKA "Ford Wrench", "BFH", "Wound Inflicting Hammer"

RAZOR KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing boat covers and bimini tops.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Used for spinning steel pop rivets in their hole until you die of old age. Some larger models are capable of turning the user’s wrist in amazing directions never before imagined just as the bit starts to break through the material you’re drilling.

SLIP JOINTED PLIERS: Primarily used to round the heads off of bolts. The joint slips and only grips items slightly larger then what you were originally trying to grip. Most have an area to cut wire at the base of the jaws. The "cutter" is good for squishing and mutilating wire where you would have liked to cut it.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the garage, splattering it on the Bud Girls poster above the bench grinder.

BENCH GRINDER: This devise is equipped with a wire wheel on one end and a grinding wheel on the other end. The wire wheel is used to clean debris off of old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes to say "Reggie Fountain". The grinding wheel is used primarily for starting small surprise fires at your feet. Also has the ability to transport the object your working on great distances.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering the boat trailer back to the ground after you’ve installed those new low profile tires, trapping the jack handle firmly under the chrome fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a trailer upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: a tool used for removing Douglas Fir wood splinters from your hand.

PHONE: Tool for calling your boating partner to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. Also useful for canceling dinner reservations you and the wife had and ordering pizza delivery when the "three hour job" you started in the morning has now moved into the evening hours.

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for scraping dog doo off your shoes.

E-Z OUT BOLT & STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in broken bolts or studs and is ten times harder then any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument used for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO TON OVERHEAD HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground cables, fuel lines and electrical connectors you may have forgotten to disconnect.

˝" X 16" SCREWDRIVER: A larger motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined flat tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a boat battery to your pants and to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS: Used to round off the heads of bolts. If nothing else is available, they can be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

RATCHET: Bolt removal tool typically equipped with a breakaway pop-top. This tool can also double as a hammer. Used with sockets that automatically fall off when you get near the bolt you want to remove. Sockets typically fall off and run and hide like critters. Changing directions requires a deft touch and a smart rap on a hard surface, and it might hold…and it might not…..not for the high blood pressure types.

TIN SNIPS: From the same family as the hacksaw. Comes in right and left hand models, but neither will go where you want it without religious training. Perfect for ruining light- weight steel, copper, aluminum, brass, etc.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, which is otherwise not found under engine hatches at night. Health benefits aside, it’s main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that the 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark then light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of containers and splash the contents onto your shirt. Doubles as a center punch, can also be used as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes the energy produced by a power plant 100 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty trailer bolts last tightened 10 years ago by someone in Missouri, and rounds them off.
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Old 04-24-2003, 01:37 PM
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Good Ones!

Oil Filter Wrench: A Device which, contrary to popular belief, gets it's namesake from a drunken typographical error. You see, It should be Oil Filter Wretch. When arrempting to remove a used oil filter and after all other options have been exhausted, an oil filter wrench is mighty useful in turning that filter into a wretched, disfugured hulk of scrap metal, but carefully avoiding to actually loosen the threads. After that is completed, the wrench itself becomes mutilated beyond recognition.
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Old 04-24-2003, 01:56 PM
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Easily attains five

This ex-tool dealer Laughed his a** off!!!!
 
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Old 04-24-2003, 02:56 PM
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Yeah, keep laughing....more truth there than joke...especially the one about the E-Z out- have had personal experience on that one! Almost as good as breaking off a tap in a hole!
 
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Old 04-24-2003, 03:06 PM
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Funny, but plagarized from Peter Egan of Road and Track...
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Old 04-24-2003, 03:43 PM
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Hey, I give credit to where I found it, on the AHBA website 2 or 3 years ago... does sort of read like an Egan piece though. Always enjoyed his writing.
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Old 04-24-2003, 04:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by dockrocker
Hey, I give credit to where I found it, on the AHBA website 2 or 3 years ago... does sort of read like an Egan piece though. Always enjoyed his writing.
He did have a way with the words...
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Old 04-24-2003, 08:21 PM
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And all this time, I thought I was using those tools wrong. It appears after reading this I have been right on!
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Old 04-24-2003, 08:28 PM
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When I saw the TOOLS thread I thought that it was another thread about Cat and wether to let him back on the site.Otto
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