Offshoreonly.com - OT: Ode to Booze!

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function

relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas

and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak &

fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you

have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging

is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around

the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is

some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not

productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume

reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends

dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in

your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon

of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or

else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being

late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice

clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of

your face.

(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding

the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your

hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of

about five ****s you take during the day brings water to the eyes of

everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover, (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying

the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of

every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in

the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to

get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability

to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have

the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed

this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like

discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in.

The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet

water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity

British

Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious

Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex

Nope, no more booze for me

Sorry, but you're not really my type

Good evening