Offshoreonly.com - Joke: Something to offend everyone

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

1) What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
2) What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The
> > > position of the dirt bag.

3) Why is divorce so expensive?
> > > Because it's worth it.

4) What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US
> > > leader.

5) What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
> > > Doughnuts.

6) Why is air a lot like sex?
> > > Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

7) Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
> > > Because Janet Reno is her real father.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in
a room together?
> > > 100 people who don't do dick.

9) How did the tugboat get AIDs?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.

10) Define "Egghead:"
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty

11) What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

12) What do attorneys use for birth control?
> > > Their personalities.

13) What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.

14) What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45
> > > minutes.

15) How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they
> > > just sit there in the dark and *****.

17)Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

1 Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
>caring, and good-looking?
> > > Because those men already have boyfriends.

19) What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
> > > After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

20) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
> > > The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

21) A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
> > > Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

22) Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

23) What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
> > > A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

24) What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
> > > "Are you sure it's mine?"

25) What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer
> > > Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

26) Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
> > > Mace will do that to you.

27) Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the
same DNA.
> > >
2 Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have
eyes.

29) Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
> > > He walks around saying "Yo."

30) Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex
Ed class uses it.

31) What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

32. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

33. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They
named him "Sum Ting Wong"

34. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other? A speech impediment.

35. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast? They're hiring.

36. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A
southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage along with "a recipe".

37. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get
another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell*BINGO*!

38. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a
time..." A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

39. My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men Chased
one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan.
> Today they call it the PGA TOUR.

40. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides