What can I say about New Jersey that you don’t already know, or
at least, think you know, i.e., that it’s a steaming hotbed of Bruce
Springsteen, heavy industry, guidos, Jersey Shore, Snoki, The
Sopranos and big hair? Let me make this simple to begin with.

Allow me to present an in depth diagram:

http://i51.tinypic.com/9hluzk.jpg

Is that all clear? Let’s move on.

New Jersey is known as “the garden state”, a fact that’s puzzling
to many since gardens aren’t really the first thing that spring to
mind when you think of New Jersey. They might be the seventh.
(The first six are a toss up between Organized crime, The
Situation and Jon Bon Jovi.)

Talking of Bon Jovi, I was reading earlier that New Jersey has the
densest population of any state in the United States. I
thought that was kind of mean really. I mean they can’t ALL be
moronic, tiny, gnome-like loudmouths with big hair who write
bad song lyrics, right? Then I realized it actually meant that NJ
is the most heavily populated state and well, didn’t I feel stupid!
And more than a little surprised, since that had sounded entirely
plausible to me. :drink:

Simmer down, I’m kidding, Jersey folks. (or as they were first
shown the American people in that great movie Willy Wonka as
the hard working umpa lumpa Family clan)
http://i51.tinypic.com/e8n3uh.jpg

Anyway, industrial northern New Jersey is probably what most of
us think of when we think of New Jersey, which we tend to do
only when we’re forced to. By the way, have you ever driven on
the New Jersey Turnpike? It’s delightful. People driving like
they’re on meth, at 90 mph and weaving all over the road? That’s
where I learned my giant swear vocabulary you know – on the NJ
turnpike while driving to Point Pleasant for a boat race . My only
guess is they drive like that because they’re frantically doing their
utmost to get out of Jersey and into Delaware or New York
before it gets dark...

Wait, what was I saying about northern Jersey? Well there’s a lot
of industry. End of story. It has Newark Airport, full of lots of
indifferent TSA agents all vying to make your day of travel even
more miserable. Oh and Elizabeth, NJ has some big docks. And
more importantly, an Ikea. (Yahhhhh)

One of the things NJ is famous for, other than John Travolta,
Stephanie Plum and people called “Vinnie”, is the Jersey
Devil – a hairy creature, descended from an old Jersey
whore, and which is rumoured to be roaming the rural
backwoods of Southern New Jersey. Various people have
reported sightings of this fearsome beast over the decades, but I
think there’s a severe possibility that it’s merely Snooki squeezed
into a tiny dress several sizes too small and lost after a night out
drinking tequila shots and being punched in the face by frat boys.

http://i51.tinypic.com/hrixau.jpg


How about something you like about NJ, Veg, you don’t cry. Well,
it’s funny you didn’t ask, because I like that it’s illegal to pump
your own gas in Jersey. A dude still comes and does it for you
like it’s 1955. His name’s probably Vernon or something. He
has a wife named Vera, two kids (Skip and Judy) and drives a
Buick with white wall tires.

What else? Oh yes, I believe there’s an ongoing skirmish
between New Jersey and New York about who actually rightfully
owns the Statue of Liberty. New Jersey claims it’s on their land
(or water) and New York’s all, “Hey, fugeddaboudit that ***** is
ours!” and people insult other people’s mamas and sulk in
corners and yell insults in faux American-Italian accents. NJ gets
the tiny, loud, orange goblin from “Cake Boss” to come in and
throw a hissyfit. Insults are hurled. New York starts to cry. NJ
then brings out the big guns by getting first son Danny De Vito
involved. It’s ugly. (And he’s no oil painting either.) NY maintains
principal ownership of the statue, although I believe technically
it’s supposed to be shared. I would go look it up to be really
accurate, but really, do you care? I don’t care. F*ck that.

Sidenote: Do you need further proof that the statue actually
belongs to New York? Because if it belonged to New Jersey it’d
look like this:

http://i54.tinypic.com/2ah763a.jpg



Back to religion. So far NJ is a winner in one category –
heathenism. Between 15 and 20% of people in NJ are not
religious. Which really should endear it to me more than it does.
And it’s actually a surprise because with all those Italian Guidos
running around, you’d think they’d be a pretty Catholic state, no?
Even though Guidos seem to break all the commandments and
also a few that weren’t even invented.

I think that’s about it. I could go on, but I’ve already shortened
this about three times and it’s not endearing me to the NJ
populus much, so maybe it’s time to quit before someone tries to
cut my throat. In the words of famous New Jerseyite, Gloria
Gaynor, let me just give you a fist pump, New Jersey, and yell “I
will survive!”

:evilb: