The purpose of various tools explained.
12-20-2011 | 08:14 AM
#1
Thread Starter
Registered
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 12,746
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From: Bell Canyon, CA
The purpose of various tools explained.
A friend sent me this. 
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could
get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, 'Oh ****!'
*
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
*
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.
*
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
*
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
*
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
*
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race.
*
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
*
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
*
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
the outside edge.
*
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
*
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
*
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.
*
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
*
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
*
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable
at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger
of the other hand.
*
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
*
SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you
grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****!' at the
top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could
get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, 'Oh ****!'
*
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
*
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.
*
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
*
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
*
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
*
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race.
*
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
*
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
*
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
the outside edge.
*
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
*
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
*
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.
*
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
*
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
*
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable
at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger
of the other hand.
*
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
*
SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you
grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****!' at the
top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
12-20-2011 | 09:56 AM
#3
Registered
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 4,400
Likes: 25
From: Michigan
All great but this one made me LOL:
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
12-20-2011 | 06:07 PM
#5
Registered
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,064
Likes: 1,172
From: Murrayville Georgia
I always thought the belt sander was to straighten out extension cords after you plug them in and forgot that the button lock was on. those suckers will make it to the street in a second allowing you to then coil up the cord before going to find the damn thing in your neighbors yard.
