Breaking News

Dateline Vienna.... 7/31/13 UPI
The Federation of Offshore Performance Statisticians (FOPS) announced at a news conference this morning the basis for its 2014 "Standards of Excellence". Managing General Partner, Mathias Kornabias-Schwartz PHD, ED D, LSMFT, HOV, announced the new and more rigorous testing procedures for High Performance and racing products in the Offshore Powerboat arena. " We have worked diligently on this concept for the past two years and now believe that we have come up with a truly even playing field for accurate and equitable product testing." Code Named "Boato A Boato" the procedure does away with radar guns, scales, idiotic web posts, and costly boat test editors, technical "gurus", and retired race boat throttlemen, in favor of a simple robotic control module. "Two dozen identically prepared and powered boats from competitive manufacturers are outfitted with our patented robotic controllers called "1 to 1's".". Kornabias-Schwartz stated. "They are then lined up at opposite ends of various courses with a myriad of conditions ranging from dead calm to Force 5 Hurricane seas." The courses are plotted to what we call the "ground zero interface" ......or "interbow"..... as we say back in the office" He continued "At that point the robots take control, accelerate to full speed, and aim directly at the oncoming competitor's bow ....or "beak" if you will." The hull in the best shape after the ...."ahem"... "interface"....is judged to be the declared ...and proven... "best in class". This process is played out in 5 "rematches" with some of the remaining hulls to assure statistical accuracy. After each contest the "winners" continue in "elimination "jousts" until only one hull is left standing....errr...floating." Kornabias-Schwartz explained. "We are also working on ways to test engines and drives in a similar fashion, but , admittedly, we may have to introduce some controlled explosive materials as part of these programs." he concluded.

Following the presentation questions were taken from the audience of reporters, boating writers, washed up TV boat racing announcers and assorted felons and pimps assembled for the conference. The first query had to do with where the funding would be obtained for these tests. Kornabias-Schwartz replied "We are working closely with various governments, including France and the United States, because both have politicians with a proven track record for fabulously over funded safety and quality control programs. In addition, we are seeking a joint venture with the head of Formula One Auto racing based on his "unique approach to budgetary matters"".

Following the conference, a luncheon was served including a buffet of Foie Gras, exotic reptile stews, near extinct water fowl, and "Pelican smoothies". During the meal a fist fight erupted over Mister Konabias-Schwartz' strange but hauntingly familiar accent, and the hall was emptied.

You can get help here..........http://www.alz.org/

T2x,

Alas, once again we were at the same news conference, but missed each other. Perhaps it was because I was immediately summoned to intervene in a heated discussion between the Second Undersecretary to the Fourth Deputy Counsel for the Administrator of the Ministry of Silly Walks and a representative from the Free Range Organic Dairy Farmers of Southern California who were creating quite a ruckus in a side discussion on “the possible negative effects of flatulence during the vacuum bagging process employed by Bayliner Offshore Powerboats, LLC. (As you might guess, this is a very limited liability corporation.) Although I was able to mediate a mutually agreeable Position Statement later released by both parties, I am still troubled by this serious issue which is still at hand.

After successfully mediating that conflict, I was personally paged by MKS (Yes, he likes it when I call him that) to offer my esteemed technical opinions on the “probable effects of geometric indifference and nuclear whatnot upon indexed wood screw heads installed in chopper gun based pleasure boat hulls.” As you might guess, offering a truly understandable opinion to the mere mortals involved in this type of manufacturing operation took quite some time – and serious dumbing down. To say that I was exhausted after writing my 37 page technical dissertation would be an understatement. In fact I was rushed (by concerned citizens) to the hotel bar for an emergency IV of a local libation said to contain ancient organic herbal remedies, Viagra, Jet Fuel and Corn Huskers Lotion. Unfortunately, due to a hereditary condition passed down from my great, great, great grandfather (Ralph the First), this led to an immediate and truly massive erection with complimentary Explosive Diarrhea in what I can only call "biblical" proportions. (Not exactly the type of condition lending itself to wild sex with supermodels I might add.)

And so, once again, we were like two ships passing in the night. (Except you could probably have smelled me coming and going – or seen the sail they hoisted on my ... Never mind.) Hopefully we can meet at the next Conference of OSO Outcasts.

Tally Ho!

Tom

Remember Griff, memory is the second thing to go. (I can't remember what the first thing was.)

I often forget what you don't remember......

Observing that you are involved with Mr. Schwartz and his on goings is there anyway you might be able to contribute on the Shootout thread and the possible rumor of the latest Schwartzcraft T2x? I caught wind of the rumor, but was unable to verify.

I think it will be safe to assume the Beak on a Fountain will tear through most hulls like the beak of an Eagle going through Rabbit Fur The Carbon Fiber Shell of an Outerlimits will Deflect most on comers like a Pachinko Game. The 5/8" Thick Solid Glass Hull of and Old Cigarette will Squash Most with Little effort. The Chopper Gun Brand couldn't get their "Force Outboard" to Start Again (they only start when New) so their entry still looks new,Although the Foam is all water logged, Stringers rotted and it's never been in the water. Black Thunder seemed to have Had two "Male" robots that seemed to want to keep hugging each other (IDKW) and printing out little recipt papers that say "You're The Sh!t". The Equilizer was an old Blue Thunder Aronow entry that could go 50 mph on any part of the course and Sink AnyThing by pushing it right under and would ultimately end up on Top...Rich, go back and pay your tab....

Funny that you should mention that. I had some communication with the Schwartzcraft publicity folks ( Ex Clinton White house staff members). Their reply to my question regarding LOTO was a simple but terse " The Schwartzcraft speed runs only occur at night". Shortly after that I received a complimentary certificate for dinner for two at David Bouley's restaurant in NYC. We had a tour of the kitchen then enjoyed an incredible pear and japanese mackeral appetizer, followed by an entree of table side prepared, smoked quail under glass, with a light side of parmesan crusted fiddleheads, and a dessert that took over 3 hours of preparation prior to our arrival. All of this was washed down with an exquisite White Burgandy, while dessert was paired with Vintage Chateau D'Yquem. I happily contributed the tip......

T2x

Will this be added to the latest Class in Offshore ? UIM ? or just SBI ?

OMG this thread has the awesome.