Top Secret Saris Racing Product Caught Testing
08-03-2013 | 07:29 PM
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From: Rochester, NY
Top Secret Saris Racing Product Caught Testing
Most of you are familiar with OSO members Jason and Johnny Saris from Performance Marine on Lake George in New York State. Along with running the marina and racing a number of high performance boats, they somehow find the time to help little old ladies cross the street, rescue lost kittens from trees and bake cookies for local homeless shelters. In spite of this, they’ve apparently added yet another item to their list of business endeavors.
Generally reliable sources have leaked a spy picture of a top secret new Saris Racing product caught undergoing torture testing in upstate New York. Although nobody is talking, the picture appears to show some sort of device that – when attached to the rear of a car – dramatically increases the power, speed and handling of that vehicle. This was deduced after analysis of insects squashed on the front of the otherwise stock looking Audi revealed that they had been crushed at speeds approaching 200 MPH. The device must be quite special in that just after this picture was snapped by our crack spy photographer (with a 5,000,000 meter telephoto lens attached to a Kodak disposable camera), over a dozen Ninja warriors dressed in black Speedos chased the photographer away before more detailed photos could be captured.
[ATTACH=CONFIG]505481[/ATTACH]
Careful analysis of the somewhat grainy photo turned up some tantalizing hints as to the construction and intent of the device. Spectral analysis detected traces Unobtainium and Dilithium Crystals below the surface – which was coated with some sort of radar and intelligence absorbing coating. The four “lower saddles” appear to be designed to hold some sort of power packs – probably filled with the top secret propellant Johnny has hinted at the development of. The two “upper saddles” are a complete mystery at this time.
I was finally talked into sharing this photo by several friends in the spirit of true journalistic professionalism - over a case of Bud served through a funnel. We all realize the sharing of this photo over the internet may cause the Saris team to accelerate their exhaustive quality testing and rush this product to market sooner than originally intended. But, if this product is anything like previous Saris offerings, it will be miles ahead of their nearest competition.
Generally reliable sources have leaked a spy picture of a top secret new Saris Racing product caught undergoing torture testing in upstate New York. Although nobody is talking, the picture appears to show some sort of device that – when attached to the rear of a car – dramatically increases the power, speed and handling of that vehicle. This was deduced after analysis of insects squashed on the front of the otherwise stock looking Audi revealed that they had been crushed at speeds approaching 200 MPH. The device must be quite special in that just after this picture was snapped by our crack spy photographer (with a 5,000,000 meter telephoto lens attached to a Kodak disposable camera), over a dozen Ninja warriors dressed in black Speedos chased the photographer away before more detailed photos could be captured.
[ATTACH=CONFIG]505481[/ATTACH]
Careful analysis of the somewhat grainy photo turned up some tantalizing hints as to the construction and intent of the device. Spectral analysis detected traces Unobtainium and Dilithium Crystals below the surface – which was coated with some sort of radar and intelligence absorbing coating. The four “lower saddles” appear to be designed to hold some sort of power packs – probably filled with the top secret propellant Johnny has hinted at the development of. The two “upper saddles” are a complete mystery at this time.
I was finally talked into sharing this photo by several friends in the spirit of true journalistic professionalism - over a case of Bud served through a funnel. We all realize the sharing of this photo over the internet may cause the Saris team to accelerate their exhaustive quality testing and rush this product to market sooner than originally intended. But, if this product is anything like previous Saris offerings, it will be miles ahead of their nearest competition.
