Brothers and sisters, a dangerous scourge is among us. Some of you have seen it, but many have not. And that’s just the way this dangerous beast likes it. Recognize it or not, it is slowly infiltrating our sport and changing the way our boats look and feel.

What is this slimy, despicable, devious, horrible plague? No, it’s not Hillary Clinton. It is boats with square bows. It started innocently enough with “pontoon” boats – which few of us paid any attention to because they were ugly and slow. (Apparently this was part of the great deception.) But these boats eventually grew bigger, faster and more comfortable. Why, several allegedly now run over 100 MPH. Do not believe the lies on You Tube though. The evil ones have altered the videos using sophisticated video editing equipment and trick photography involving radio controlled models.

But the evil geniuses behind this scourge needed more power over us – the great unwashed high performance boaters. So they started – mostly in the western states – to produce something called “deck boats.” They were purposely made out of good old fiberglass mat and resin instead of aluminum and pop rivets so that few of us noticed the subtle transition. Ah, but there, up front, where the pointy part used to be was a big ugly square bow. They tried to tell us it was “useful” and “great for storing stuff” and all sorts of other ugly lies. But some of you listened.

Then a very small number of us succumbed to the temptation and bought them. And some of us installed big blocks and Bravo drives and other hallowed high performance parts. And these ugly craft did indeed go faster. This caused others to take notice. And they too bought them and added even bigger blower motors and #6 drives and other parts formerly reserved for only true “high performance” boats. Ah, but now it was too late because these boats were now running well over 100 MPH with not so much as a spilled drink from the many new faithful on board. And the beast became stronger.

And now, almost every manufacturer has pledged allegiance to the beast by starting to offer models with bows that might not be as square as a deck boat, but there – at the very front – is a small but ever growing flat section. Some have even tried to hide it with boarding ladders and docking lights. But some of us know that this is just the beginning of the end of the pointy bow. And the NSA is watching us.

But there is still time to reverse the course of history. If we recognize this beast for what it is and say “No, not on my boat!” there is still time to stop it. Yes, time to stomp out this evil plague before it infects all of us. Still time to keep the front of your Cigarette (or Fountain or Apache, or Baja and many others) pointy – the way God intended it to be.

So send me your Nickels and Dimes – or Twenties, Fifties or Hundreds. And I will promise to keep my Progression (with its pointy bow) and preach to others about the evils of the square bow. I will refuse to succumb to the siren song of “useful storage” and “room to walk around” like so many others have. Yes brothers and sisters, it is time to join me in this great battle before it is too late. Help me help you!

Reverend Tom
The Church of Progression

The west coast has a ton of strange boats.

Just what the world needs.... a pontoon boat with a beak......

Not me reverend , stick a pickle fork in it .

Phew! I thought this was going to be another Reggie strokefest.

Yes brother, and remember - Cats have pointy bows too!

this is why i went back to a straight bottom big 'ol thirty eight pointy nose resin bucket . . . so i can go "offshore" . . . . where these sad excuses for watercraft will not . . and cannot go . . . . its a wonderful place just out of sight of land . . . . and these small poorly designed and built yet heavily marketed craft are rarely seen. . . . . I am free to run my boat in a manner in which our four fathers ( Aronow, Saccenti, Kiekhaefer and Schoell) intended. . . . . can i get a amen brutha . . .

amen !

You too my friend have not one, but two pointy bows! After reading this it affects all of use!

That was funny as hell !!!!

I always wondered what would happen if you stuffed one of these "troop landers".