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Best ever ONE LINERS!

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Old 01-16-2002, 07:17 PM
  #1
NICKSLICK
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Post Best ever ONE LINERS!

1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.
2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam
3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
Polaroids.
4.. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick
5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho cheese
6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.
7. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quatro sinko.
8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk
9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.
10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck
11. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.
12. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef
13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers
14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog
15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.
16. WHY DOES A PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.
17. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.
18. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.
19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT
Tame way, unique up on it.
20. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.
21. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
An Amish drive-by-shooting.
22. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

and my favorite
23. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the Dirt Bag.
 
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Old 01-16-2002, 07:59 PM
  #2
rwilson
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Awesome Nick! We are still laughin'..

A guy at work pulled the Steven Wright site... here are some of his...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]

This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it]...gutter...

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."

I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.."

"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old."

"I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot."

"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

"I lost a button hole today."

"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."

"I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator."

"When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually....."

"Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."

"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."

"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug..."

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."

"Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was..."

"He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..."

"I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again..."

"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."

"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
 
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Old 01-16-2002, 09:59 PM
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Old 01-16-2002, 10:05 PM
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my son told me that I bought this computer for him to do his homework now I tell him its mine and I must check OSO board for new jokes his homework can wait.
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Old 01-16-2002, 10:12 PM
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Old 01-16-2002, 10:19 PM
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Homework, WHAT homework, the only homework you have son is getting a coat of wax on that boat b4 the weekend, then you can play on the puter!!

Fantastic entertainment guys
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Old 01-17-2002, 01:46 PM
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I love the one about the lawyers.
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Old 01-17-2002, 10:08 PM
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Old 01-17-2002, 11:14 PM
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