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Old 01-23-2002, 12:05 PM
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Post OT - Funny as hell!

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who had moved to
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,
and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

__________________________________________________ ______


CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI


JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

__________________________________________________ _______


CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI


JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

__________________________________________________ _______

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI


JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

__________________________________________________ __________


CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC


JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

__________________________________________________ _____


CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER


JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

__________________________________________________ ______

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY


JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I **** myself when I farted and I' worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; She
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my ass with a snow cone!

__________________________________________________ ______


CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI


JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili that slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

__________________________________________________ __


CHILI # 8 HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot
chili?

FRANK: Momma?

[ 01-24-2002: Message edited by: Milord ]
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Old 01-23-2002, 01:12 PM
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sounds like moms cookin
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Old 01-23-2002, 02:29 PM
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That was awsome!!!
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Old 01-23-2002, 04:27 PM
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Old 01-23-2002, 04:30 PM
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Old 01-23-2002, 07:12 PM
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Old 01-23-2002, 09:41 PM
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Almost fell off my chair. Eyes are watering. Tooo funny.
 
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Old 01-23-2002, 09:49 PM
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Damn fell out of chair laughing that gonna HURT
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Old 01-23-2002, 10:10 PM
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Hey Milord was it hot???
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Old 01-23-2002, 10:18 PM
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Now that was some funny chit!!!
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