Schwartzcraft Power boats to set new Vee bottom record before the Miami boat show
01-24-2007, 01:46 PM
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Re: Schwartzcraft Power boats to set new Vee bottom record before the Miami boat show
This just in:
1/24/07 4:00 PM
Dateline Vienna:
At a press conference following the first successful test runs of the vaunted Schwartzcraft vee bottom record boat, press secretary, Sterling Hyperbole, was brimming with confidence.
In a room packed with boating press, who were attracted by a sumptious meal of Champagne, Caviar, and roast duckling, he gushed: "Zee hull has exceeded our most aggressive expectations". Pressed for more details as to what that meant in terms of performance, he replied with glee....
" It floats!!".
Technical Director for the project, Giancarlo Bravado, was then introduced for a quick series of questions. What speed is expected was an almost unanimous request, to which Mister Bravado replied" Classified" but added "We will be disappointed if we don't break the record by at least 10 mph."
When pressed as to what the current record actually was, he answered " At least 10 mph below what we will actually achieve." Further questions about the other challengers, Fountain, Cigarette and Outer Limits were deflected as Mr. Bravado didn't seem to know who they were.
He did offer that the Schwartzcraft vee hull was displaying "some oscillation from side to side at speeds over 60 mph", and that "this would need to be fixed before the final record attempt". He suggested that there were two schools of thought among his technical staff to correct this. The first: "We discussed splitting the hull in half length wise and putting a wing section between the halves for stability"...... The second, more complex, approach involves "using aerospace gyro systems and long trim tabs to stabilise the existing hull".... When reminded that the first approach would turn the boat into a catamaran....he responded: "What's a catamaran?"
Reporters than asked questions about Mr. Bravado's background and were told he had been a truck driver on an offshore race team for 3 months, and therefore qualified to oversee the entire project.
Mr. Hyperbole retook the podium at that point and was pressed for details about the elusive Mr. Schwartz. Questions about exactly how Horatio became a Millionaire Playboy were answered with " Prior to hees current career, Mister Schwartz was an heir to zee Schwartz fortune." The source of the fortune?... "Zee family owns vinyards, shipyards, and distilleries all over Europe, and brothels throughout Russia."
When asked about the motivation behind the record attempt, Mister Hyperbole became visibly agitated and offered: " Mister Schwartz believes zat it ees hees destiny to hold zis record and also..... he ees a bit short." Once again the questions turned to Mister Hyperbole's strange accent and the press conference was cut short by a fist fight.
After the event, a poll of the reporters, all of whom had been given expensive handcrafted 18 karat gold pens and custom tailored, suede "Team Schwartz" jackets, indicated great confidence, support and enthusiasm for the event. One reporter remarked " They picked me up in a chaffeur driven Bentley this morning, as far as I can see Schwartz walks on water." Another noted, as he was being assisted with his new jacket by one of a seeming plethora of long legged, stunning "Schwartzettes", "I like this guy's style, I'm sure he has all of the answers to speed record attempts, even if he get's killed!". and " I don't care if no one has actually seen the boat...or Schwartz for that matter..... This is the real deal!".... after which he managed to dribble cre'me fraiche and caviar on his shirt.
Stay tuned for further news on this water breaking story.
1/24/07 4:00 PM
Dateline Vienna:
At a press conference following the first successful test runs of the vaunted Schwartzcraft vee bottom record boat, press secretary, Sterling Hyperbole, was brimming with confidence.
In a room packed with boating press, who were attracted by a sumptious meal of Champagne, Caviar, and roast duckling, he gushed: "Zee hull has exceeded our most aggressive expectations". Pressed for more details as to what that meant in terms of performance, he replied with glee....
" It floats!!".
Technical Director for the project, Giancarlo Bravado, was then introduced for a quick series of questions. What speed is expected was an almost unanimous request, to which Mister Bravado replied" Classified" but added "We will be disappointed if we don't break the record by at least 10 mph."
When pressed as to what the current record actually was, he answered " At least 10 mph below what we will actually achieve." Further questions about the other challengers, Fountain, Cigarette and Outer Limits were deflected as Mr. Bravado didn't seem to know who they were.
He did offer that the Schwartzcraft vee hull was displaying "some oscillation from side to side at speeds over 60 mph", and that "this would need to be fixed before the final record attempt". He suggested that there were two schools of thought among his technical staff to correct this. The first: "We discussed splitting the hull in half length wise and putting a wing section between the halves for stability"...... The second, more complex, approach involves "using aerospace gyro systems and long trim tabs to stabilise the existing hull".... When reminded that the first approach would turn the boat into a catamaran....he responded: "What's a catamaran?"
Reporters than asked questions about Mr. Bravado's background and were told he had been a truck driver on an offshore race team for 3 months, and therefore qualified to oversee the entire project.
Mr. Hyperbole retook the podium at that point and was pressed for details about the elusive Mr. Schwartz. Questions about exactly how Horatio became a Millionaire Playboy were answered with " Prior to hees current career, Mister Schwartz was an heir to zee Schwartz fortune." The source of the fortune?... "Zee family owns vinyards, shipyards, and distilleries all over Europe, and brothels throughout Russia."
When asked about the motivation behind the record attempt, Mister Hyperbole became visibly agitated and offered: " Mister Schwartz believes zat it ees hees destiny to hold zis record and also..... he ees a bit short." Once again the questions turned to Mister Hyperbole's strange accent and the press conference was cut short by a fist fight.
After the event, a poll of the reporters, all of whom had been given expensive handcrafted 18 karat gold pens and custom tailored, suede "Team Schwartz" jackets, indicated great confidence, support and enthusiasm for the event. One reporter remarked " They picked me up in a chaffeur driven Bentley this morning, as far as I can see Schwartz walks on water." Another noted, as he was being assisted with his new jacket by one of a seeming plethora of long legged, stunning "Schwartzettes", "I like this guy's style, I'm sure he has all of the answers to speed record attempts, even if he get's killed!". and " I don't care if no one has actually seen the boat...or Schwartz for that matter..... This is the real deal!".... after which he managed to dribble cre'me fraiche and caviar on his shirt.
Stay tuned for further news on this water breaking story.
Last edited by T2x; 01-29-2007 at 01:11 PM.
01-24-2007, 03:50 PM
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01-24-2007, 04:17 PM
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Re: Schwartzcraft Power boats to set new Vee bottom record before the Miami boat show
I figured it out
Ratman is Mister Schwartz
The Russian brothels gave it away
Good stuff Rich
Was there any discussion, or evasion, of use of surface drives?
Ratman is Mister Schwartz
The Russian brothels gave it away
Good stuff Rich
Was there any discussion, or evasion, of use of surface drives?
Last edited by Tantrum; 01-24-2007 at 04:21 PM.
01-24-2007, 06:24 PM
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Re: Schwartzcraft Power boats to set new Vee bottom record before the Miami boat show
I'm going to need a faster camera to actually document this..... 
01-24-2007, 06:36 PM
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Re: Schwartzcraft Power boats to set new Vee bottom record before the Miami boat show
May the SCHWARTZ be with you
Rich.....CLASSIC!
Rich.....CLASSIC!
Last edited by DaveP; 01-24-2007 at 06:39 PM.
01-24-2007, 08:31 PM
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Re: Schwartzcraft Power boats to set new Vee bottom record before the Miami boat show
My uncles machine shop just finished maching the billet 7453 unobtainium alloy crankshafts for the his motors. cost 1.85 million (the unobtainium alloy is so tuff we had to replace the cutters every couple of thousandths) he said the check is on its way..as soon as it gets here my uncle and I are ordering a custom one off outerlimits cat complete with specialy designed beaks on each sponson and f22 raptor turbines, complete with afterburners and vectored thrust surface drives.
oh..I almost forgot, wait till you see schwartz drives!! there custom merc #9 units the first prototypes should be ready for testing any time, instead of a drive shower they have a special freon R97 refigeration system that cryogenically treats the gears!! the harder you run it the stronger it gets!! According to there computer simulations it keeps the drives temps so low ice actually forms on them..we all know how slippery ice is!!! we are talking zero drag drives!!!
but wait..theres more... heres a top secret copie of the original CAD deisgns for the beast!!
oh..I almost forgot, wait till you see schwartz drives!! there custom merc #9 units the first prototypes should be ready for testing any time, instead of a drive shower they have a special freon R97 refigeration system that cryogenically treats the gears!! the harder you run it the stronger it gets!! According to there computer simulations it keeps the drives temps so low ice actually forms on them..we all know how slippery ice is!!! we are talking zero drag drives!!!
but wait..theres more... heres a top secret copie of the original CAD deisgns for the beast!!
01-25-2007, 08:32 AM
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Re: Schwartzcraft Power boats to set new Vee bottom record before the Miami boat show
Are the rumors true? Are they really using the vaunted "Mr.Fusion Flux Capacitor 70 Jigawatt" powerplants?
01-25-2007, 10:31 AM
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Re: Schwartzcraft Power boats to set new Vee bottom record before the Miami boat show
Update 1/25/07 8:00 AM:
Dateline Vienna:
At this morning's press briefing, reporters were given further insight into the dramatic design concepts woven into the fabric of Team Schwartz's revolutionary monohull record boat.
Assistant Press Secretary, Dr. Ernest Spin, chronicled the many aspects of the Schwartz Concept. " We are using more horsepower per pound than anybody else (code named "Schwartzpower"). Questions on details, engine design , fuel, torque, and displacement were not answered, however, Dr. Spin did offer: "In fact, on paper, we calculate that, given our power to weight ratio, we can break the record running up Niagara Falls....even in warm weather." Spin chuckled as he added: "Of course we would never attempt such a thing, even though it is rumored that one of the American challengers is considering an unmanned, radio controlled, record attempt in the other direction......... down the Falls." When pressed for information as to which challenger, Dr. Spin replied: " I cannot divulge the manufacturer, but let's just say that we don't consider that approach fair.....even in North Carolina."
Spin continued: " Clearly we are using all of the traditional monohull aero and hydrodynamic upgrades, hi lift air foil on the deck and sides, ultralight composites, oversized strakes, pads, 3 beaks (rumored to be one on top of the other), back porch for extended length, and adjustable winged stabilizers on the drivers' helmets ( The patented Schwartz Aero Helmet (SAH))."
Asked about the "patented" Schwartz Inverted Step Design (SISD) Dr. Spin became very enthusiastic: " We have discovered a whole new concept in hull step design....Our tests indicate that steps increase speed....but only when molded into the cockpit floor......and on the transom surface between the outdrives..... so we immediately patented this before our competitors could claim authorship." He continued:
"We are also using steps on the hull to give the press something to talk about."
Finally, Dr. Spin brought out Technical Director, Giancarlo Bravado, for further comment. "With all that, we knew we needed something really dramatic to boost our speed beyond belief." Bravado said: "I am proud to announce that our greatest advancement was in the unique shape and lift characteristics built into our deck cleats.... code named "Schwartzlift"." Asked where this design came from Giancarlo offered:" I doodled the design at a truckstop one night after pulling a 47 hour cross Alps run to Hamburg". Asked for his qualifications in aerodynamics Bravado responded: " I've been a truck driver for years and have spent hundreds of hours watching my hand as I held it out the window in the speeding air. Sometimes, depending on the angle, it would go up, and sometimes it would go down in the windstream...... I used the "up" angle." Reminded that most high speed offshore hulls use retractable cleats, Giancarlo, responded: "What does retractable mean?"
Reporters, who were enjoying a breakfast of Eggs Benedict and Champagne, then asked the whereabouts of reclusive scion, Horatio Schwartz. "Mr. Schwartz is indisposed, as he is suffering from a headache that he feels is a direct result of testing prototypes of the new radical Schwartz Aero Helmet (SAH)." said Dr. Spin.
Questions then turned to the whereabouts of Schwartz Press Secretary, Sterling Hyperbole, and his strange yet familiar accent, whereupon the proceedings were halted as a fistfight broke out.
More to follow
Dateline Vienna:
At this morning's press briefing, reporters were given further insight into the dramatic design concepts woven into the fabric of Team Schwartz's revolutionary monohull record boat.
Assistant Press Secretary, Dr. Ernest Spin, chronicled the many aspects of the Schwartz Concept. " We are using more horsepower per pound than anybody else (code named "Schwartzpower"). Questions on details, engine design , fuel, torque, and displacement were not answered, however, Dr. Spin did offer: "In fact, on paper, we calculate that, given our power to weight ratio, we can break the record running up Niagara Falls....even in warm weather." Spin chuckled as he added: "Of course we would never attempt such a thing, even though it is rumored that one of the American challengers is considering an unmanned, radio controlled, record attempt in the other direction......... down the Falls." When pressed for information as to which challenger, Dr. Spin replied: " I cannot divulge the manufacturer, but let's just say that we don't consider that approach fair.....even in North Carolina."
Spin continued: " Clearly we are using all of the traditional monohull aero and hydrodynamic upgrades, hi lift air foil on the deck and sides, ultralight composites, oversized strakes, pads, 3 beaks (rumored to be one on top of the other), back porch for extended length, and adjustable winged stabilizers on the drivers' helmets ( The patented Schwartz Aero Helmet (SAH))."
Asked about the "patented" Schwartz Inverted Step Design (SISD) Dr. Spin became very enthusiastic: " We have discovered a whole new concept in hull step design....Our tests indicate that steps increase speed....but only when molded into the cockpit floor......and on the transom surface between the outdrives..... so we immediately patented this before our competitors could claim authorship." He continued:
"We are also using steps on the hull to give the press something to talk about."
Finally, Dr. Spin brought out Technical Director, Giancarlo Bravado, for further comment. "With all that, we knew we needed something really dramatic to boost our speed beyond belief." Bravado said: "I am proud to announce that our greatest advancement was in the unique shape and lift characteristics built into our deck cleats.... code named "Schwartzlift"." Asked where this design came from Giancarlo offered:" I doodled the design at a truckstop one night after pulling a 47 hour cross Alps run to Hamburg". Asked for his qualifications in aerodynamics Bravado responded: " I've been a truck driver for years and have spent hundreds of hours watching my hand as I held it out the window in the speeding air. Sometimes, depending on the angle, it would go up, and sometimes it would go down in the windstream...... I used the "up" angle." Reminded that most high speed offshore hulls use retractable cleats, Giancarlo, responded: "What does retractable mean?"
Reporters, who were enjoying a breakfast of Eggs Benedict and Champagne, then asked the whereabouts of reclusive scion, Horatio Schwartz. "Mr. Schwartz is indisposed, as he is suffering from a headache that he feels is a direct result of testing prototypes of the new radical Schwartz Aero Helmet (SAH)." said Dr. Spin.
Questions then turned to the whereabouts of Schwartz Press Secretary, Sterling Hyperbole, and his strange yet familiar accent, whereupon the proceedings were halted as a fistfight broke out.
More to follow
Last edited by T2x; 01-29-2007 at 01:15 PM.
