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More HUMP day humor...

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Old 03-20-2002, 03:17 PM
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Location: NY
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Default More HUMP day humor...

> EXPOSURE
> > > > A blonde is walking down the street with her
> > > > blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
> > > > A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am,
> > > > are you aware that I could cite you for indecent
> > > > exposure?"
> > > > She says, "Why, officer?"
> > > > "Because your breast is hanging out."
> > > > She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left
> > > > the baby on the bus again!"
> > > > ____________________________
> > > > OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
> > > > A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her
> > > > on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days,
> > > > then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two
weeks.
> > > > The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least
five
> pounds."
> > > > When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
> > > > "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did
> > > > you follow my instructions?"
> > > > The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I
> > > > thought I was going to drop
> > > > dead that third day." "From hunger, you
> > > > mean?" asked the doctor.
> > > > "No, from all that skipping."
> > > > ______________________
> > > > RIVER WALK
> > > > There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes
> > > > to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite
bank.
> > > > "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the
> > > > other side?"
> > > > The second blonde looks up the river then down
> > > > the river then shouts back, "You are on the other
side."
> > > > ___________________
> > > > KNITTING
> > > > A highway patrolman pulled alongside a
> > > > speeding car on the freeway.
> > > > Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see
> > > > that the blonde behind
> > > > the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was
> > > > oblivious to his flashing
> > > > lights and siren, the trooper cranked
> > > > down his window, turned on his bullhorn
> > > > and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
> > > > "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
> > > > _______________
> > > > BLONDE ON THE SUN
> > > > A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were
> > > > talking one day.
> > > > The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
> > > > The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
> > > > The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be
> > > > the first on the sun!"
> > > > The Russian and the American looked at each
> > > > other and shook their heads.
> > > > "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll
> > > > burn up!" said the Russian.
> > > > To which the Blonde replied, "We're not
> > > > stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
> > > > _______________
> > > > SPEEDING TICKET
> > > > A police officer stops a blonde for speeding
> > > > and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
> > > > She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would
> > > > get your act together.
> > > > Just yesterday you take away my license and
> > > > then today you expect me to
> > > > show it to you!"
> > > > ___________
> > > > THE VACUUM
> > > > A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one
> > > > night. It was her turn. She rolled
> > > > the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."
> > > > Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and
> > > > someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
> > > > She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it
> > > > on or off?"
> > > > _________________
> > > > FINAL EXAM
> > > > The blonde reported for her university final
> > > > examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She
> takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the
question paper for
> five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her
purse out, removes a
coin and starts tossing the coin and marking
> > > > the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails.
> > > > Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest
of the class
> is sweating it out. During the last few minutes,
> > > > she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering
and
sweating.
> > The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is
going on.
> "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my
answers."
> > > > _____________________
> > > > THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> > > > There was a blonde woman who was having
> > > > financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child
and demand a
> > > > ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed
> > > > a little boy, took him behind a tree
> > > > and wrote this note.
> > > > "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in
> > > > a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park
> > > > tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde"
> > > > She pinned the note inside the little boy's
> > > > jacket and told him to go straight home.
> > > > The next morning, she returned to the park to find
the
> > > > $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak
> > > > tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was
the following
> > > > note... "Here is your money.
> > > > I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to
another!"
> > > > ___________________
> > > > NOT BLONDE, but . . .
> > > > When NASA first started sending up astronauts,
> > > > they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not
work in
> > > > zero gravity. To combat the problem,
> > > > NASA scientists spent a decade and $12
> > > > Billion to develop a pen that writes
> > > > in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on
> > > > almost any surface including
> > > > glass and at temperatures ranging from below
> > > > freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.
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