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Snow Shovel - Joke DeJour

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Old 12-18-2002, 03:03 PM
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Default Snow Shovel - Joke DeJour

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like
newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was
the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years
and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up
the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment .My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll
definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be
awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that
I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible.
Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind
took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape
this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska,
after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed
for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and
try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove,
but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't
believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the
damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn
snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel,
but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a
snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will
have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up
to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The
wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month
ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the
son of a ***** who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the
snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for
me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn
snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the [email protected]@!x!x1
slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking
for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The
wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have
to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill
her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE ***** is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cavein. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb
does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to
her mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
 
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Old 12-19-2002, 07:26 AM
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thats why god invented the south!
 
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Old 12-19-2002, 08:06 AM
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Sounds just like living here in MIchigan to me !!!!!
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Old 12-19-2002, 09:05 AM
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Old 12-19-2002, 10:10 AM
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Old 12-19-2002, 10:14 AM
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Then people wonder WHY I moved to Florida! This is a pretty good description why!!!
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Old 12-19-2002, 10:28 AM
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Go South I'll join ya!!
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Old 12-20-2002, 08:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Troutly
No! The South was invented because those of us up North got tired of watching ya'all date yer sisters!!!
THAT I give
 
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Old 12-20-2002, 10:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Troutly
No! The South was invented because those of us up North got tired of watching ya'all date yer sisters!!!
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