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OT: About those French....

Old 02-13-2003, 03:58 PM
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Default OT: About those French....

Let's examine the record, shall we?

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache. They've been beaten so many times there's no fight left in them. I'm thinking we can just let them sit this one out...
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Old 02-13-2003, 04:17 PM
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What do you call 100,000 French men with their hands in the air?

The French Army!
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Old 02-13-2003, 05:06 PM
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Here is a link to a nice site with some useful French phrases
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Old 02-13-2003, 05:33 PM
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Thats funny and accurate!
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Old 02-13-2003, 05:42 PM
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Don't get me started.

They are a bunch of P*$$%'s.

I don't want my tax dollars going for anything at all in France or Germany.

I have owned one Mercedes, but NEVER again.
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Old 02-13-2003, 05:58 PM
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Default The French Don't matter...

1. They surrendered Paris to the Germans without firing a shot. Then, to the tune of the U.S. Third Army’s tank treads, they marched back in and “liberated” it. Then they had the Balls to insist on being one of the Big Four victors after the War.

2. During Operation Torch, the would-be “victorious” French fired on U.S. forces trying to land in North Africa. (In Casablanca, the French battleship Jean Bart duked it out with the USS Massachusetts. The chowder-heads whupped the cheese-eaters). While they did fire on our forces, they didn’t do it for long, being French. After the War, the generals responsible claimed they weren’t trying very hard because they liked the Allies -- but, still, they had to keep up appearances. Even victors can’t be too careful.

3. When the U.S. needed to bomb Libya in retaliation for a terrorist attack on American soldiers, the French refused to let us fly through their airspace. Perhaps they get confused when they hear planes overhead and don’t have any German generals to escort to a shelter.

4. Sticking us with Vietnam.

5. There are more French people who think they fought in the resistance than there are babyboomers who claim they were at Woodstock.

6. The spy in NATO headquarters is rumored to be French (my chair misses nothing).

7. And speaking of NATO, for most of the Cold War they wanted nothing to do with it. Somehow they thought it was French resolve holding back the Warsaw Pact.

8. And speaking of the Cold War, François Mitterand tried to keep East Germany a separate socialist country.

9. You can’t swing a baguette without hitting a French intellectual who thinks America is imperialistic, and yet I don’t think it was the Peace Corps teaching kids in Djibouti to say “Our forefathers, the Gauls.” And I don’t seem to remember Vietnam being in “American Indochina.”

10. Anti-Americanism! Galloise-smoking men in black turtlenecks and half grown mustaches have been coming up with reasons to hate America from day one. Abbé Raynal, Count Buffon, and Cornelius de Pauw, to name a few of the Founding Father’s contemporaries from across the pond, believed that the very ground and air in North America (a land “where frogs grew to 37 pounds”, and dogs “lost the ability to bark”) made Europeans shrink into rabid, small, mentally decrepit creatures. Americans, to these men, were a syphilitic race hurling fast on their way down the evolutionary ladder toward the status of the Indian. You don’t even want to know what they had to say about the American Indian. Later, European intellectual racism was largely launched by the French “thinker” Arthur de Gobineau, who, according to Hannah Arendt, was the man who first introduced the idea that race could explain the history of human civilization. Gobineau believed that the “rubbish” peoples being allowed into America would destroy it. Paul Johnson once said that “the French have always been outstandingly gifted [at] taking a German idea and making it fashionable with superb timing.” That may be true, but when it came to Aryanism it was the French who came up with the idea.

11. The French Revolution. The Left has been championing this monstrosity as a victory for human rights for two centuries. The American Revolution was the real McCoy on that front. But nothing did more to grant legitimacy to the idea that modern and enlightened thinking could excuse killing, razing, burning, torturing, and social leveling for utopian or “progressive” ends than the French Revolution. It was an abomination to justice and a valuable lesson to France’s neighbors to the East.

12. Ira Einhorn and Anti-American Chic. Ira Einhorn, let us not forget France’s bold stand on that front. Einhorn, a hippie guru from Philadelphia, brutally murdered his girlfriend and stuffed her in a steamer trunk. Then he fled the country. She sat there rotting in his apartment for over a year until the odor alerted the neighbors. An American court convicted him in absentia. When Einhorn turned up in France, we wanted him. The French said no. Einhorn became a folk hero in France because he was willing to badmouth the U.S. (Much the same reason why Oliver Stone and Mumia Abu Jamal are Oracles of Wisdom in France). When the court said it couldn’t return someone to the U.S. who had been sentenced to death, Dominique Delthil, Einhorn’s lawyer, said to rave reviews in France, "The United States has learned today, to its distress, that it still has lessons to learn from old Europe in matters of human rights.” Doesn’t the Napoleonic Code still say that defendants are guilty until proven innocent?

13. By popular demand: Jerry Lewis.

14. All of those post-war existentialist intellectuals who, it turned out, had sucked up to the Nazis but felt perfectly comfortable lecturing at American universities about our moral decadence.

15. French film snobs. If their movies are so good, how come they need import quotas on American films to keep our decadent films with -- what are they called again? Oh, that’s right, -- “plots” out of their country?

16. The Dreyfus affair.

17. French “economics.” It seems that no First World country is more determined to become Second World than France. There is a government agency in France dedicated to making sure people don’t work too hard. They count cars in the parking lots to make sure people go home on time and they fine people caught carrying laptops under their coats.

18. In most countries the highest career aspiration is to become a successful businessman, a priest, an athlete, or even a politician. In France, the noblest class is the bureaucrat.

19. Hygiene, baby, hygiene. The French daily, Le Figaro, reported some horrifying facts in a hugely comprehensive survey of the nation which believes it is the most refined. Here you go: Even though 96% of the French have showers in their homes, only 47% bathe every day. Only 60% of Frenchmen change their underwear daily. Only half of the respondents say that they use deodorant. Per capita the French buy only 4 or 5 bars of bath soap a year. And only 60% of Frenchmen regularly wash their hands after going to the toilet. Six percent said they never washed their hands. Now, I am no number-cruncher but just looking at my Venn diagrams here it seems a sizable number of French people -- say maybe 25% -- go without changing their underwear, bathing, washing their hands, or using deodorant in a 24 hour period. Class.
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Old 02-13-2003, 09:30 PM
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Old 02-14-2003, 02:48 AM
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I have to agree with everyone here, it just pisses me off to no end to think these ungrateful jackasses actually feel that their opinion means didly-squat. I personally think that they are just a bunch of cry-babies that can't do s*#t for themselves. We should have just left them to the Germans only I think they would have gotten tired of them also.

Hawaii no ka 'oi
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Old 02-14-2003, 05:08 AM
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Don't get me started!!!!!!!!!!
Put your best foot forward!
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Old 02-14-2003, 05:31 AM
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I dont even like thier dressing!
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