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Real Men of the World !!!!

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Old 04-17-2004, 08:44 AM
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Default Real Men of the World !!!!

Okay folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't
stand any more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate
men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign
concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual,
bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and
purple-sexual -- bogus definitions have taken over the urban and
suburban world!

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your ass, belch, and yell
"ENOUGH!"

I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars,
the Retrosexual movement.

The Code

* A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

* A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit
that term only because they are female.

* A Retrosexual DEALS with IT; be it a flat tire, break-in into your
home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

* A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

* A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how
long you live, it's how you live the time you have.

* A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need
a duffel bag (possibly a shaving kit).

* A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when
he's 30 years old.

* A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people)
if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The
Code.

* A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

* A Retrosexual does not let neighbors f^&k up rooms
in his house on national TV.

* A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of
manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention
of yourself will only lead to you becoming a frou-frou little pu$$y,
and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

* A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major
mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire
family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports teams being
moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are
NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough
attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed
up, he DEALT with your sorry ass. DEAL WITH IT.

* A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe
designed to conceal himself from prey.

* A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a
tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.

* A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can
brag about getting.

* A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you
can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.

* A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you're
riddled with fear. Guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL
WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot at $hit.

* Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry,
and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or
soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but
the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote
control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not
limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count
as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

* A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan"
(unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub
of brandy or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood."
Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless
Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty
Dozen,
The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, the Die Hard series,
Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond
movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now,
Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club, etc.

* When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train,
and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual
stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the
other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks"
look on his face.

* A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with
the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words
to the Star Spangled Banner.

* A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother
do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that
they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when
married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship; i.e., hunting,
boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

* A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and
kitchen utensils.

* A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without
sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without
high-centering his ride on a plow berm.

* A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land
where he wants. Even if wherever it lands is where he damn well
wanted it to land.

* A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any
women but any elderly person or person in military dress
(except officers above second lieutenant).
NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer
but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them
*and* thank them for serving their country.

* A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake
is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if
circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

* A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone
when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand
that sometimes in the process of doing things, we get hurt and we
just DEAL WITH IT.

* A Retrosexual American man believes that, while not infallible, his country
is, without a doubt, the fairest place in the world. He will stand by his country
and his way of life, and not allow a bunch of international(ist), left-leaning weenies to
dictate how his country should act. Nor should he ever negotiate with THUGS.
See above and DEAL WITH THEM. (Added SG 04/15/2004)
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Old 04-17-2004, 09:01 AM
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Sign me up Dave, it seems I've always been one and just didn't know it.
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Old 04-17-2004, 09:42 AM
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Sniff Sniff......

AMEN!!!

Buck
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Old 04-17-2004, 10:39 AM
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I'm in, I fit all the above mentioned criteria however I never learned to tie a necktie and I won't learn now. Have no reason to learn. If I need to wear a tie, I go buy one, have the sales idiot (who is a "new style" man) tie it for me, take it off his rubber head, and then I will slip it over my head at the required time, then throw the damn thing away.

As far as movies goes, a real man's favorite scene is when Clint reverses both pistols he is handing over and blows both the trappers to hell in "the Outlaw Josie Wales" my favorite all time movie, second only to "Harry".

Real men go to hockey games for the fights.

Real men NEVER EVER watch figure skating.

Real men don't consider a sport without physical contact a sport, no contact it's a "game".

Real men believe in the creed "there's no such thing as too much horsepower".

Real men, upon finding an intruder in his home, will shoot first, ask questions later.

Real men prefer to go to an "event" that sells hot dogs.

REAL MEN DON'T OWN SAILBOATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 04-17-2004, 11:11 AM
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A few additions.

Real men know how to use an axe as a tool or a weapon.

Real men have injured themselves with powertools and still aren`t afraid of them.

Real men have used a combination of butterfly bandages and superglue to close wounds.

Real men don`t freak out when they see a police officers govenment .45 in his holser with the hammer back.

Real men know how to use a chainsaw without the ''sissy assed tip guard''.

Real men don`t worry about getting in touch with their feminine side because they don`t have one.

Real men consider another males bragging about his conquests with the ladies or in battle ''overcompensating''.

That`s all I have time for for now. Any more could be seen as bragging or overcompensating.
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Old 04-17-2004, 11:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Roger 1
A few additions.



Real men have used a combination of butterfly bandages and superglue to close wounds.

and electrical tape
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Old 04-17-2004, 11:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by open72
and electrical tape
I stand corrected.
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Old 04-17-2004, 11:31 AM
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Electrical tape may count nut the "Real Man" standard should and IS Duct Tape.
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Old 04-17-2004, 11:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by SmilingBob
Electrical tape may count nut the "Real Man" standard should and IS Duct Tape.
not on my balls
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Old 04-17-2004, 11:39 AM
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Should say

"Electrical tape may count BUT the "Real Man" standard should be and IS Duct Tape.


Also note that a Real man knows it is Duct tape not Duck tape
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