Quickie jokes and cartoons
 

Quickies

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure; What was her maiden name?"
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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all," "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
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Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say '*******' afterwards."

About to be a bad day!
 

Oh CH*T!

here u go

i got lots of dumb funny stuff

...

whos your froggy

one more

Hey Mom!
 

This is good stuff!

Be careful who you let
 

babysit your children

mine are all bad sorry...

aww man the charlie brown one don't work :confused: :confused:

You said what?
 

I bet he is in trouble!

here

Shade!
 

This is great I do not need these sunglasses anymore!

Please follow instructions
 

Thank you!

Honey,
 

We are out of beer!

Some of the women I have
 

dated look like this when I take them home!

So this is how
 

they learned how to do that!

Ever wonder what a
 

mouse's mouse would look like?

ooooohhh!
 

Doggy!

Ever wonder what Turkeys do for Thanksgiving?
 

Ouch

This was me in school.
 

No wonder I ended up here.

Difference between Men and Women taking showers.
 

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If
you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --
make mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,
leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil.
Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial
scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and
jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray
mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of
a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown
and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of
the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife
along the way, shake your package at her making the
'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your package and scratch your a@@.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face.

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water
rinse them off.

8. Make f*rt noises (real or artificial) and laugh
at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt
hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Whizz in shower.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on
floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire package size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your
waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake package
at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

ok where do you have the hidden camera...i swear you just peaked into mine and Sean's bathroom window

Hey, you got me all wrong, I blow snot on the shower wall and rinse it down, never in my hand, that is gross:D :crazy: Otherwise you got it but you forgot about playing with the package, just like shaving you know.:D Oops, this is not the Uncensored Section..nevermind.;)

A lot of fact to this
 

A few minutes before the services started, the people were seated in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his Presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a single word?", asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm REPLY.
"And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years"

How pigs save their money
 

Now ya know!