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Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us !!!!

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Old 11-11-2004, 04:56 AM
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Default Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us !!!!

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
>
> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
> the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
> pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm.
> An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
> "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
> _______________________________________
> FAMILY
>
> Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
> the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
> the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old
> yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs
> and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting
> at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her
> head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock
> on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon
> as I see who's at the door."
> _______________________________________
> "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
>
> Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
> March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second
> man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's
> have a beer."
> _______________________________________
> SUPERSEX
>
> A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
> home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and
> say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
> her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two
> and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
> _______________________________________
> ROMANCE
>
> An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
> falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to
> talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he
> reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A
> few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he
> reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
> Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he
> threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she
> asked. "To get my teeth!"
> _______________________________________
> DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
>
> 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
> She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
> what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in
> the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close
> enough."
> _______________________________________
> OLD FRIENDS
>
> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
> years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
> activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One
> day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
> don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time ..but I
> just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
> remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
> For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
> said, "How soon do you need to know?"
> _______________________________________
> > TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
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Old 11-11-2004, 04:56 AM
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Default Re: Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us !!!!

cont.....
SENIOR DRIVING
>
> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
> rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
> "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
> Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one
> car. It's hundreds of them!"
> ____________________________ __________
> DRIVING
>
> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
> barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
> came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on
> through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
> losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few
> more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
> Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
> sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
> losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough,
> the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other
> woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red
> lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and
> said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
>
>
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Old 11-11-2004, 07:08 AM
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Default Re: Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us !!!!

uh oh, here come the flashbacks....
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Old 11-11-2004, 07:19 AM
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Default Re: Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us !!!!

No Flash Backs !!! They are back !!! I picked up the Extreme yesterday down at Lee's in Sarasota and had to idle along as they were sight seeing and so forth. Tag after tag.....Ontario,Ohio,WV,VA,NY,NJ,....etc,etc..... All blue haired and ready for Bingo. Dave
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Old 11-11-2004, 09:09 AM
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Default Re: Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us !!!!

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.
"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again ... "
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Old 11-11-2004, 09:22 AM
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Default Re: Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us !!!!

I just had this awful visual on the last one.
Please tell me she was a blond at one time?
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Old 11-11-2004, 11:04 AM
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Default Re: Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us !!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Troutly
Some of you old guys must be mighty scared thinking this could be you in a year or two!
Watch it Troutly...they may beat the crap out of you with there canes!!
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Old 11-11-2004, 11:26 AM
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Default Re: Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us !!!!

That's terrible......Terribly funny!!
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Old 11-11-2004, 03:27 PM
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Default Re: Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us !!!!

Here's a scary true one for you. I got into an elderly customers car one day and taped right smack in the middle of the steering wheel was a note in big block letters. It read as follows

[B][I]"REMEMBER, BE CAREFUL, YOU ARE DRIVING"

Now isn't that a scary thought to know someone who can't remember unassisted that they are driving IS driving!!!!!
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Old 11-11-2004, 04:01 PM
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Default Re: Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us !!!!

I once watched an elderly gentleman pull into a fast food joint. It took him three minutes to walk from his car to the front doors. A distance of about 30 ft. When he reached the doors he didn't have the strength to pull one open. All he could do was rattle them till somebody came and pushed one open. And this guy was driving!!
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