NE-Section "JOKE THREAD"
 

Let's get some good jokes, since we're all kind of a joke anyway... ;)

I'll start...

Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the Sex and food preperation applications, which operated flawlessly under Girlfriend 5.0 In addition, Wife 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Oral Sex 9.5 and Personal Attention 6....5, and then installed undesirable programs such as Girld nite 5.0, Oxygen Channel 3.0. and granny panties 4.1.

Risque Sex Locations 8.0 no longer runs, and Anal 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Old Girlfriend 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?


Signed,
Desperate
*

*
*
Dear Desperate:


First keep in mind, Girlfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Wife 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download pay more attention 6.2, and don't forget to install the compassion 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Girlfriend 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Horny all the time 2.0 and Invite my best friend 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above applications can cause Wife 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Constant nagging 6.1. Constant nagging 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Constant PMS Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Girlfriend 5.0 program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Wife 1.0! In summary, Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend New Wardrobe 3.0 and Diamonds 7.7.


Good Luck,
Tech Support

What is the difference between jelly and jam?????

You can't jelly your c0 ck down her throat:eekdrop:

haha it's peanut-butter and jam...

Hey Frank...

Two tampons are walking down the street...hahah

"What's the difference between peanutbutter and jam..."

"I can't peanutbutter my dick in her ass..." haha

Wife..didn't perform that well, girlfriend performed alright,...mistress that performed like it should,I gave it a shot for what its worth best I could come up with

What do you call a black man flying a plane...........














A pilot you racist:eekdrop:

a guy walks into a bar there is a bowl of peanuts on the bar the peanuts look up at the guy and say you look very nice today the guy says hey bartender whats with these peanuts bartender says there complimentary:stooges:

It's springtime and a stripper dancing in front of you with bleach blonde hair and natural dark eyebrows pulls her top off with huge bazzoomga's is about ready to drop her G stringy.....






What color will her bush be?





























PURPLE !!!!!! she likes Lillac's color when in bloom :lolhit:

This is the best joke that I know of: Hahahahaha! Come on Jeff, get off the crack!

hahah!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZILF5mdy9M

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ...feature=fvwrel

:thankyouthankyou:

Hahaha! Beautiful....

What's the difference between Captin and Coke and Whitney Houston?

The Captin comes alive when you add the Coke:eekdrop:
:poopoo:

Alright want another?
What is 6 inches long and didn't get sucked on Valetines day?


Whitney Houston's crack pipe:party-smiley-004:

Did you hear about her new movie? The sequel to the body guard? "The Bodybag" haha

why do women fake orgasms? ...they think we care!!!

I was reading this article the other day, and it said, The perfect way to spice up your love life is to make love in a car wash. Let me tell you guys from experience -- no, it is not. But it is the perfect way to ruin a church fundraiser.

:thankyouthankyou:

haha

"The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper"
 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?.
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.." Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win!
The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Hahahahahahahah! :lolhit::lolhit:

Not a "JOKE" , still freak'n funny over there ....

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/b7e...eatured_videos

The Italian Wedding Test = Priceless!‏
 

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside,all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car. :thankyouthankyou:

NOW THATS GREAT! ha :lolhit::lolhit:

Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the
second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting
a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just f@c#ing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"****in' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

WELCOME TO TEXAS.



Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled:

“Survivor, Texas-Style!”

The 8 contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Prius with bumper stickers that read:

1 “ I'm a Democrat”
2 “Amnesty for Illegals”
3 “I love the Dixie Chicks”
4 “Boycott Beef”
5 “I Voted for Obama”
6 “George Strait Sucks”
7 “Reelect Obama in 2012”
and...
8 “I'm here to confiscate your guns”

Anyone that makes it back to Dallas alive wins.

AaaHaaHaa ..... That's a good one.

AaaaaH A "Pink (Armor Plated) Prius :lolhit:

Bubba's wife caught him blow drying his penis this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing.
Apparently ... "Heating up your breakfast" wasn't the right answer!

Attachment 476019

Makes Sense ..........
 

Kar-azay - South Beach Tow
 

Holy Chit Meng !!!

Not even a Kung Fu master serves as a match for Bernice.



[YOUTUBE]PXQF9PJE3J8[/YOUTUBE]

Monica strikes back
 

Low battery ...
 

A man saved his mistress' phone number on his mobile as "LOW BATTERY".
Whenever she calls him in his absence, his blonde wife takes
the phone and plugs it to the charger.

Give that man a medal !

:lolhit:

:Score-101010:

A letter to santa
 

Dear Santa, How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone from the reindeer to the elves is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas,Timmy Jones

=-=-=-=-=-=-= Dear Timmy, Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with. Merry Christmas,Santa Claus

=-=-=-=-=-=-= Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jab at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully,Tim Jones

=-=-=-=-=-=-= Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that on most days looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin. Very Truly Yours,S Claus

=-=-=-=-=-=-= Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me, I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat a** and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN! T - Bone

=-=-=-=-=-=-= Listen, Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude who breaks into every house in the world in one night and never gets caught, sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal? I got your s*** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to do some serious stomping. Chew on that, Petunia.

=-=-=-=-=-=-= Dear Santa, Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything. Timmy

=-=-=-=-=-=-= Timmy, That's what I thought, you little ba***rd. Santa

AND A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL !!!

CRASH-BOX