Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

Four men went golfing one day. While three of them headed for the first tee, the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "my son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free." The second man said, "my son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’s so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes fully loaded for free." The third man not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "my son is a stockbroker, and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio for free."
The fourth man, who was running late, joined them on the tee a few minutes later. The first man mentioned, "we were just talking about our sons. How is your son doing?" The fourth man replied, "well my son is gay and dances at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued. "I’m not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes fully loaded, and a stock portfolio."

• 

DOH!