How to Interpret Personal Ads


WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish....................49
Adventurer............Slept with all your friends
Athletic..................No tits
Average looking.....Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful.................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile....Does a lot of Ecstasy
Emotionally Secure..Medicated
Feminist.................Fat ballbuster
Free spirit...............Junkie
Friendship first.......Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun....................... Annoying
Gentle....................Comatose
Good Listener........Borderline Autistic
New-Age................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned.........Lights out, missionary position only, no BJ's
Open-minded..........Desperate
Outgoing.................Loud and Embarrassing
Pass! ionate...............Sloppy drunk
Poet....................... Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional............Certified *****
Redhead.................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque..........Grossly Fat
Romantic................Looks better by candle light
Social.....................Been passed around like an hors doeuvres
tray
Voluptuous.............Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height..Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate................... Stalker
Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart.............Old bat

MEN'S ADS

40-ish....................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic..................Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking.....Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated...............Will patronize the **** out of you
Free Spirit..............Banging your sister
Friendship first.......As long as friendship involves nookie!
Fun........................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.........Arrogant
Very good looking..Dumb as a board
Honest...................Pathological Liar
Huggable...............Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle.......Insecure mama's boy
Mature...................Older than your father
Open-minded.........Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's
not interested
Physically fit...........Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet.......................Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive.................Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive.........Gay
Spiritual.................Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable....................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful.............Says "Excuse me" when he farts