Should I be posting these here? I wanted to share, but didn't know where to put them.

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit
me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for
the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed
alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss
America?

5. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming
pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up,
you don't know where it's been!"

My favorite one....
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

I like number 19...... although I've never had the opportunity to test the theory.