women advice???
 

who better to ask then you'all! Its been a while and i've kept it off the broad for months but i am at my wits end.



I dated my ex (kate) for 4 years. She graduated college and moved home (back to NY) at the begining of the summer. Long story short we broke up about a month later. Basically becasue I no longer drink and she still loves to party and lul around in "posh NYC bars". Unfortunatly the pretention of the NYC posh bar scene makes me want to just about vomit. Regaurdless we're over we are in different places. Here's the rub.

I think she realized that perhaps she made a mistake or maybe her new little posse aren't the greatest people after all. She has been calling me on and off for the passed few month anyway. BUT the calls are getting more frequent and she seems liek she wants me back. Should i try to be her friend (we won't work as a couple that for damn sure) or tell her to piss off and stay out of my life? I loved her dearly and we broke up on good terms (the drinking crap was the only major issue) which makes it even harder especially since i still harbour some pretty significant feelings for her.

lemme hear what you have to say. Serious advice only please.

I would try once more with caution. BUT, lay down the rules from the get-go. 3 strikes, she's out! That is if you really still have feelings for her. If not, %^$k it!

My theory in life... never burn bridges!! Unless given no other choice... So if she hasn't cheated on you... Screwed you in some malicious manner.... why burn the bridge... specially when it sounds like you still care about the person..... No reason why you can't determine what is important to you life, live that life and if she fits into it as a friend or girlfriend... then great.... It didn't hit me until a little later in life that I need to move forward every day with what is important to me and find someone who fits into my description of what life is. I've been happy ever since... She and I are best friends.... dating 4 years now..... and it still seems fresh as the first month..... For me it's being responsible day to day and boating boating boating..... She loves boats and the water.... Neither of us has kids.... What a match!!! Do what you want to do and if she doesn't fit that life.... then she's not the one for you.... Not enjoying the bar scene..... I can relate with you..... Give me a good sand bar!!!! Good luck to you....

OTHER
 

If you truly believe you will never be a couple again then get on with your life. Being friends is very hard when you were together that long. But don't tell her to piss off and get out of your life. You should treat your relationship with her now like you would an acquaintance. Be nice to her and expect the same in return. Soon you both will start dating, and that gets ugly if you try to be friends.
Now, if you still think the two of you will work things out someday.......well thats a tough road to take.

Good Luck,
Joey

You cannot change a leopard's spots. Don't let the door hit her where the dog shoulda bit her! Just my freshly divorced .02 :cool:

I wouldn't push it either way, the way I see it whatever happens will work out. Everything happens for a reason. I am going through the similar thing right now only kind of reversed my girlfriend wants more committment (ring, house etc.) I love her and am committed to her but am not ready for that step yet. when I am finally ready I'm sure we'd make a great couple. Unfortunately we are at different points in our lives, hardest thing in the world cause you know you could be together it just seems like it never fits right.I still like going out with my friends, she doesn't. I tell her give me time and I'll be ready, she doesn't think I ever want to settle down, so if It helps to maybe see things from her point of view I'm sure she loves you very much but isn't sure if shes at the right point in her life yet. If it feels right when your together "ride it out." good luck.
Martin.

Puder........go get the book "Mars and Venus on a Date" and read it, then you can figure it out.

The friends deal ONLY works if you're BOTH over it and of the opinion that you can't be together. Now bunk buddies that's another story all together.

From personel experience I was real close with one of my ex's would even go out with her on double dates, she was like a best friend, but the women I dated for the most part didn't like it. It stoped being a major problem when I left L.I.


Good Luck

Puder,

Lot's of good advice here. I am of the same mindset about the bar scene as you. It can be VERY HARD when your significant other thinks differently. Therefore, if you want to try it, I would make sure she understands COMPLETELY where you are coming from and that is the life style you have chosen. If she chooses otherwise, that is okay, but then you two just will not work out as a couple. Stay friends either way. You may need to take some time without seeing or speaking to one another to fully get over each other, but in the long run you will be happier that you stayed friends. If she finds that being with yo is more important to her than the bar scene and she is not resenting you for it but is enjoying you because of it, then it's all good! Best of luck and I commend you for thinking it through and not just reacting.

Sometimes ya gotta change your playgrounds, playmates, and playthings.

Puder;
I would stay friends. You never know, she might have a hot girlfriend that she could set you up with! Also, It would be nice to have someone you could call to arrange bail!
Roger1

Puder,

What I don't see in your message is whether or not she is still into the bar scene. My reasoning is that we all grow up at some point in time, okay some of us ;) . Anyhow perhaps if she has grown out of it, the chance for getting back together may not be so bad seeing how that was your main issue. I say just see how things progress and don't press the issue, you never know you could also be reading something into nothing. If it works, great. If not then no harm done.

Les

Walk away my friend.........walk away..........

I agree about not burning any bridges. It is much easier to remember each other as friends than ememies.

I've been in a similar situation for 2 years. Try dating each other and you will find that the good times were not as great as you remember nor the bad times as bad! Things might actually work out if you are BOTH sincere and willing to try. However, do realize you are opening yourself up for more heartache if it becomes apparent that it will just not work. DON'T be like me and let it drag on for 2 years!!!

Just a little advice from a female perspective...

Tough one, but "wont work as a couple, thats for damn sure" then "loved her dearly and broke up on good terms" is going to make it VERY hard to be friends (if she keeps up her present lifestyle).......you may find yourself mucking around in a "quasi" relationship with her (which would be very easy to do seeing you were with her for four years and are so comfortable there) that really isnt going anywhere and will keep you from meeting someone your more suited to. If theres no movement from either side on the partying issue Id say keep her at arms length and move on bro.............Doug

puder-

as much as i would love to give you advice, i'm in no position to do so. i've been in your situation more times than an average person should be allowed. i'm a perfect example of "saying it is easier than doing it." i've been off and on with a woman for almost a year now. we have been together for 2 years total. the first year was smooth as glass, but this past 12 months have been crazy. we break up for 2 months, get back together for a month, break up for 3 months, get back together for 3. during our last breakup, i dated 4 girls. each of them were good looking, great personalities, stable employment, but still i was very critical of each, which told me that i wasn't ready to move on. i enjoy her friendship, but we have our differences when it comes to our relationship. sometimes i feel like i'm wasting my time trying, but the next day brings nothing but happiness. i'm as mixed up as a shanken martini! if it doesn't work for us, at least no one will say that we didn't give it our all!

good luck with your decision. if it was meant to be, it will work out..... sometimes your mind knows what is right and is ready to move on, but your heart says different. so which one do you listen to?????

best of luck,
jbk

From a female perspective :) 4 years is a long time to be together and not still love her and she you. The question would only be are you still IN love with her and she you enough to find a comprimise? I will have to agree with not burning the bridge. You never know, we all get older and our priorities change. Just because it is the bar scene for her now she may outgrow it. If there was no infidelity and that was the only problem just think about it and see how things go. Good luck and have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Stay friends. You never know what the future holds. As long as she hasn't wronged you in any way. If she has F*** her. The timing may not be right for either of you. You can not go wrong having another friend in your life.

thanks for all the good advice. Please keep it comming. All of my friends are tired of hearing me ***** about it not to mention thier advice hasn't exactly been so great.

once again the "OSO virtual posse" comes through

Seriously.....get that book and read it.
 

How you end a relationship has an enormous impact on the quality of your next relationship. When you end a relationship feeling resentful or guilty, it is much harder to move on to find a person that is right for you. Quite often, when a relationship ends, you may feel angry that you partner let you down or didn't fulfill you expectations. Women commonly feel that they gave a lot to a relationship and didn't get what they needed in return, so they feel resentful. Men, on the other hand, tend to feel more guilt and feeling bad that the relationship didn't turn out well and guilty that the woman was unfulfilled.

If it's not a match, then it's not a match. If you can be friends, that's a plus.

You do what you want... whatever makes you happy. You should be respectful no matter because its a reflection of you.
On one week...off the next, it dont matter. Just be respectful with you both knowing where things stand.
If its meant to be again...it will happen.
Best of luck to ya

Just type her a message, by the time she translates it you'll have it all figured out. :p

I've been in this situation once and it didn't end very well. It was new years too. She was way too into the bar scene, every night. I tried to hang on but she was sleeping around. I was a fool. If you can control those emotions being friends might be a good way to test the waters. You'll be able to find out if she has really changed or not. Just don't lead her on and don't sleep with her, yet. Also don't go out of your way for her, we don't want her to be the puppet master. You should be able to tell within a few weeks if you guys still click. You'll also know if she was sincere about making a mistake and the bar life wasn't really for her. This would be the approach I would take, carefully.

If you can't control those emotions, then you need to decide if you want to take the chance of getting burned or not. Then you need to decide from there. If you decide it's really over then tell her that you can't see her anymore. Just be nice then in a short time you'll be friends since you didn't burn the bridge.

Dang Phantom that was pretty deep:D :p :D :p

Puder
I am in the same stituation as you but my x cheated on me with the UPS man. She has been doing the same thing as your x has been doing to you with the calling and everything. I was with this girl for almost three years and when she did this it crushed me. I have become her friend because we shared so much thats its hard to give that up and plus I guess in a small way it makes me feel better to see her hurt. I know thats not right but we all do that. The point of my story is that its never easy to give up on something and its even harder when you share so much. Be her friend and see where it goes. Try not to be close minded because if you are then that means that you are holding back and well you never held back with her before. Do you understand what I am saying? Its hard but like they say if its meant to be then it will work. Good Luck with everything.

I almost always try to remain friends with the X's ........nothing like playing hide and seek in familiar territory. you'll figure it out..as we all do ...as far as the cheating ones go , if I get cheated on again I think I'll just become a swinger..then it won't matter....good luck dude....

There is some very good advice here.
However, one thing not mentioned that bears some thought: This is the holiday season. She just moved to a large, porbably somewhat impersonal city in which her new found buddies aren't really what they seemed to be. Gee, who would have thought?:rolleyes: OK, she is bored with her life, lonely and disheartened by the whole scene. She starts calling you. Gee, I wonder why? Is it because she truly loves you and realizes you have been the only TRUE friend in her life? Or is it because she is bored and lonely. Only you can answer that one.
Just look at the situation with your eyes wide open!!
Oh, and IMHO, ex's as friends will not work long term, but you can always leave on good terms and make yourself less and less available.
After several trials and tribulations:rolleyes: I have found one thing to be true: Always pursue a long term relationship with someone you TRULY LIKE!! Sounds simple. Not so, grasshopper! It is easy to find someone you love, finding someone you really like till the day you die is the tricky part!! Took me three tries!!:D :D

I think Summer obsession has got it right!
Be less & less available & you will soon find out what her intensions are.....

Just tap dat ass for one last time and tell her to get lost :D :D :D

i dont think i would be much help because first thing i thought was "boooty call":eek:

I've been there. And friends do not work.

For starters, if one harbors feelings towards the other, you can never just remain friends. One of the 2 will always want the other back. You will always remain the EX. One tries to be friends, while the other is hoping to get back together. Next thing you know, it's a bed buddy friendship. Still one person will get hurt because you are being used, or believe things are getting better. It's a no win situation.

Second, if she left, like you say, because of the posh NYC scene, it is only a matter of time before it happens again. Everytime something new and exciting comes along you will be put to the back burner again. Why go through it again only to be hurt.

Third, I have done it before. I found someone else that seemed better than the one I was with. It wasn't any better. Just new. This went on for 6 years. Breaking up, back together, break up, etc. It never worked. I just did not like being alone and I knew that he would always be there. Then it came back, and a guy did it to me. I thought that things would be different. I never felt so used. And my heart broken again. And keep in mind, people get lonely around the holidays. Just about every woman wants to have her man next to year to give him a big kiss at the drop of the ball on New Year's eve nite.

I believe you have already made up your mind and you are just looking for backing up with what you want to do. Some kind of support. No matter what any one of us tell you, you have to do what makes you happy. We all have a point to make. You need to follow your gut feeling, not your heart. Just be careful. I wish you the best in your decision. Just be happy!

Let it go and get on with your life, your still young... have fun.

Look how much better your doing without her.....two posts, and only one mispelled word!!! This could be a whole new "readable" OSO.

Just kiddin....i always try to remain distant friends with the Ex's. You never know when you'll need a resource that they have.

I can't wait for Sy to put in his ancient 2 cents on this one.

Puder, I think you'll be friends as long as you don't get another girlfriend.

Do you want to marry her? If not, move on. Can you imagine having another serious relationship and having her around as a close friend? That won't work at all.

Tell her your seeing someone else and see how she reacts.

Never,ever, fall victim to the "new and improved" bull#@&*. History WILL repeat itself, perhaps at a time when you REALLY need her. Listen to the experienced gentelmen on OSO....get some distance from her (force yourself) and clear your head man!

ron, yes i did.

and no she would not work as a friend if i got into another serious relationship.

Blow her off!!!!!:mad:

Velocity Mike damm I think I will start using Fedex

Puder, I think you should look into your heart to find the answer. If she's really a special person to you I think you'll find that you'll want to keep a relationship with her, even if it's just being there when she needs a special friend, someone who has an understanding of how she feels. And you never know, she may find in her heart that she needs you more than she thought.

Phantom Chaos..........:eek: :eek: :eek: WOW Are you a chick ? That was Profound.

Puder, I have to say I agree with the majority on here....... Don't burn the bridge, Just don't hang out on it either. You said yourself it wouldn't work as a couple, it wouldn't work if you got into another realationship....... It wouldn't work...........
Be the Man, be respectful, but be UNAVAILABLE.
Tell her you are interested in someone you just started seeing......
GOOD LUCK!!!

LUCIDIDEE2

DAMN YOU ARE GOOD...SOUNDS LIKE MY CURRENT RELATIONSHIP

Possibly even a hook up with one of her friends!;)