Changing the oil.
08-13-2003, 01:50 PM
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Changing the oil.
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
MONEY SPENT:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on
the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
MONEY SPENT:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
MONEY SPENT:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on
the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
MONEY SPENT:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!
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08-13-2003, 02:48 PM
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Location: Grand Haven, MI USA
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That is sooooo true. Now add this from a truck I had 10 years ago
1) Use 5 gallon pail to store oil for multiple oil changes.
2) While truck is on ramps and full 5 gallon bucket is under truck, back down off ramps because you are done and saved $5.
3) Have oil pan catch 5 gallon oil bucket and dump the whole damn thing!!!!
4) Use an entire sand box to clean up oil, dump in vacant lot and still have an oil stain in road.
5) Never change oil on own again because it took hours instead of minutes.
Nort, this couldn't be the X, mine is $50 and that is cheap.
1) Use 5 gallon pail to store oil for multiple oil changes.
2) While truck is on ramps and full 5 gallon bucket is under truck, back down off ramps because you are done and saved $5.
3) Have oil pan catch 5 gallon oil bucket and dump the whole damn thing!!!!
4) Use an entire sand box to clean up oil, dump in vacant lot and still have an oil stain in road.
5) Never change oil on own again because it took hours instead of minutes.
Nort, this couldn't be the X, mine is $50 and that is cheap.
08-13-2003, 09:39 PM
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Location: San Diego, CA
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AGE ACTIVATED ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER
Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I spotted the mail on the hall table.
I should go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay the car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can
under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway,
I might as well pay the bills first.
I see my checkbook on the table, but there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk, where I
find the bottle of juice that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the juice
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. _But the juice is
getting warm, and should be put in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
Heading toward the kitchen with the juice, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye. _They need to be watered.
I set the juice down on the counter, and find my reading glasses, for
which I've been searching all morning.
I had better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the
flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water,
and suddenly spot the TV remote. _Someone left it on the kitchen
table.
Tonight when we sit down to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote,
but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table.
I should put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water
the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills
on the floor.
So, I put the remote back down on the table, and get some towels to wipe
up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: _the car hasn't been washed, there is a warm
bottle of juice _sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the
remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with
the car keys.
I'm trying to figure out why nothing got done today; it's quite baffling
because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I know this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but _first I'll check my e-mail.
Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I spotted the mail on the hall table.
I should go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay the car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can
under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway,
I might as well pay the bills first.
I see my checkbook on the table, but there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk, where I
find the bottle of juice that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the juice
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. _But the juice is
getting warm, and should be put in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
Heading toward the kitchen with the juice, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye. _They need to be watered.
I set the juice down on the counter, and find my reading glasses, for
which I've been searching all morning.
I had better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the
flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water,
and suddenly spot the TV remote. _Someone left it on the kitchen
table.
Tonight when we sit down to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote,
but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table.
I should put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water
the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills
on the floor.
So, I put the remote back down on the table, and get some towels to wipe
up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: _the car hasn't been washed, there is a warm
bottle of juice _sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the
remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with
the car keys.
I'm trying to figure out why nothing got done today; it's quite baffling
because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I know this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but _first I'll check my e-mail.
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