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Old 01-02-2004, 06:13 PM
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Way OT: Need advise on helping a friend with some family drug problems.

If I am out of line here, someone just say so and I will gladly delete this post.

I have a good friend friend whos father has had a lifelong problem with crack and coke, so bad to the point where he cant hold a job and has almost lost all of his and his families poseccions on more than one occasion

My friend is 21 and had to drop out of college to come home to support the rest of his family becasue his father was fuc*ing up so bad. My friend since then has landed a great job ready to start his own life all the while thinking that his dad had been sober. He finds out the other day that his dad is back at it, and his family needs his financial support again he came to me asking me if I think he sould say "fuc*k it" and walk away and start his own life, or go back to helping support his mom and sister, and try to get his father some help. I have no Idea what to tell him has anyone else ever had to deal with a situation like this?? what do I tell him?? He is a great friend and I hate to see him put aside his own life to fix his fathers fu*k ups, but at the same time I cant bring myself to tell him to walk away and leave the rest of his family struggeling. His father has been doing this off an on his whole life and doesnt really show any signs of wanting to stop
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Old 01-02-2004, 06:20 PM
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they need to get his dad into a facility. Once he has some sober time he might be able to see that he really needs help.

first step is to have an intervention of some sorts. EIther he has to bottom out or his family needs to do an actual intervention. Everyone gather and talk with him. If must be done in a non confrontational way. NO accusing or laying blame for any of it, just show thier concerns and how his actions are hurting them and how he is hurting himself. Try to keep everything positive so maybe he can realize that he needs help as opposed to forcing it on him.

best of luck, addiction is a *****
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Old 01-02-2004, 06:21 PM
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Sound's like it's time for 'tough love'. It's great that your buddy has the moral fortitude to take care of dad, but at what point is he just 'enabling' dad to continue?
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Old 01-02-2004, 06:30 PM
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Tough spot to be in , He has to do what he feels in his heart...if my mom and sis couldn't make it without me I would prob help forever ..but of course that all depends on alot of diff things..I will enable noone !! as for Dad I'd walk away and leave him to deal w/ his own demons on his own time. It is TOUGH love , but the way it has to be sometimes.

Glad I'm not in that position
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Old 01-02-2004, 06:41 PM
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He will end up helping but there needs to be a "contract" that all adhear to so he can be sure his help is going to the right places. I know it is hard but family is family and you have a moral obligation to stick it out and help. This is a pet peave of mine and is a good part of the reason I am divorsed, I could not understand why when tough times come people bail out. There is a saying..for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. that applies to family even more than marriage. If he doesn't help he will have a hard time living with himself, he doesn't have to put himself at risk of losing his lifestyle so he needs to remember he may not be able to do this alone. You know, there is a saying about throwing good money at bad so money may not be the answer, he may be able to help by simply pointing them in the right direction. Good luck and let the OSO team help out.
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Old 01-02-2004, 07:08 PM
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I AGREE WITH THE ABOVE...YOUR FRIEND NEEDS TO HELP HIS FAMILY FIRST BY ENCOURAGING THEM TO DO AN INTERVENTION WITH HIS FATHER , ENCOURAGING HIS MOTHER AND SISTER IF OLD ENOUGH, TO BE STRONG, LEARN TO TAKE OWNERSHIP OF THERE LIVES AND THERE ACTIONS IN THE RELATIONSHIP, WHILE BUILDING SELF ESTEEM AND HOPEFULLY GAIN EMPLOYMENT SO THEY CAN SUPPORT THEMSELVES, BECAUSE THE BOTTOM LINE IS, YOUR FRIENDS FATHER MAY NEVER CHANGE. ESPECIALLY IF HE KNOWS THAT HE HAS YOU TO TAKE CARE OF HIS RESPONSIBILITIES.
IT IS TOUGH LOVE ALL THE WAY. MANY ADDICTS ENABLE THERE FAMILIES AND IN TURN WITHOUT DIRECTLY DOING IT TEACH THEM TO ENABLE EACH OTHER. IT IS HARD TO BE FACED WITH A SITUATION SUCH AS THIS BUT YOUR FRIEND HAS TO ALSO THINK OF HIS FUTURE AND THE FUTURE OF THE FAMILY HE WILL SOMEDAY HAVE, WHILE BEING ENCOURAGING AND SUPPORTIVE TO HIS MOTHER AND SISTER WHLE THEY LEARN TO TAKE OWNERSHIP OF THERE LIVES AND THERE ACTIONS.
I COMMEND YOUR FRIEND FOR SUPPORTING HIS MOTHER AND SISTER BUT AS BAJASQUIRT STATED AT WHAT POINT IS YOUR FRIEND ENABLING HIS FAMILY BUT TAKING ON THE RESPONSIBILITES OF HIS FATHER AND HIS MOTHER.

GOOD LUCK THRILLSEEKER....I KNOW YOU AND I KNOW YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR FRIEND...STAY TRUE, HONEST AND STRONG WHEN YOU TALK WITH HIM. GIVE HIM YOUR SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT CAREFULLY REMEMBERING TOUGH LOVE AT THE SAME TIME.

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Old 01-02-2004, 07:19 PM
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As far as dad is concerned, if he doesnt want help himself or to quit the habit, no intervention or treatment will work. Not much you can do there until he wisens up. But I would definately help out mom and sis. They are family and if they are not able to support themselves at this time, the right thing to do is support them. But I would also encourage them to get to a point that they can support themselves. That way he will not be burdened all his life. Much like parents do with their kids. Good luck.
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Old 01-02-2004, 07:20 PM
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I tried to help my friend for almost 15 years now. He goes in and out of rehabs and treatment places. Honestly the truth is he has to want it himself. I sit here and think of everything I did for my friend and he still isn't clean. I seen him go into a clinic and come right out, that night back on the stuff. It's a rough and tough road he has to travel to go clean. You can help him all you want. But he has to want it himslef.


Good Luck
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Old 01-02-2004, 07:24 PM
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Thrill, I can relate to this more than I ever thought I would. This is what I went through with my ex. To the point that I slept with my wallet and my car keys under my pillow every night. Just so I knew that I would be able to get up in the morning and have a way to get to work.

A couple of things. Interventions show that person that they are hurting their family and friends and themselves, but until they admit they have a problem and they WANT to stop what they are doing, it isn't going to make any difference. (We went the rehab route twice) And they can't want to stop using for anyone but themselves or there again, it isn't going to make any difference.

NA (Narcotics Anonymous) counselors will tell you that there are two places that users end up, in jail or dead. And it is far truer than you think. The user no longer controls their life, the drugs do. They live for the next hit, the next high and will do whatever it takes to be sure they get that next hit. They can come up with the most amazing stories to try to justify "needing" to get high. You wouldn't believe some of the ones I heard.

Unfortunately, sometimes the only thing you can do is walk away. If your friend can provide somewhere for his mom and his sister to live then that may be the best route to take. At some point Dad has to take responsibility for his actions. And having someone take care of the screw ups for him isn't making him do that. Part of recovery for him will be accepting the responsibility for what he does. He chose to take the drugs, he has to chose to stop. It isn't something that anyone else can do for him.

None of this is to say that they aren't to support Dad should he decide to shape up and get things together. He will need the support, just not the crutch. They all need to learn the steps that Dad is going to have to take, and what he will be going through should he detox and what will come later. Because with crack more than coke, Dad is going to have cravings that will come close to driving him mad. Stock up on chocolate. And that is no joke. I don't mean any of this to sound harsh, but addiction is not a game. There are no winners. And addicts lose far more every day than they ever thought they would.

Walking away was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And I did HAVE to do it. There was no other choice. I did everything I could do for five years before I accepted that it wasn't a problem I could fix. He finally admitted that my walking away was the wake up call. That may be what it takes for your friend's Dad. I hope that he gets the help that he needs. For himself and for his family too.
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Old 01-02-2004, 10:43 PM
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Hey Ange.... I noticed you referred to him as "ex". I suppose the addiction problems ruined your relationship.
Too bad you can't divorce your parents. How did you put up with it for 5 years? I think rehab is a great way for psychiatrists to make money, especially if some insurance underwriter is footing the bill. I hear all these stories how someone has been through rehab several times. Makes me think that profession "rehab" doesn't work too well. I believe "the gutter" is the best rehab of all. Sometimes these people have to be abandoned to their demons before they wake up and see what they are doing to themselves and others.I like to think that we are all our own worst enemy at times. I know I broke the cycle of being an "enabler".
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