mr_velocity

DOCTOR'S NOTES


A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. DR. MARK MACDONALD, SAN
ANTONIO, TX.


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.


DR. RICHARD BYRNES, SEATTLE, WA.


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died
of a
"massive internal fart." DR. SUSAN STEINBERG, MANITOBA, CA.


I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that
he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both
his
eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.


DR. MATTHEW THEODROPOLOUS, WORCESTER, MA.


During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put
on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I
had
him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes,
the man
had over fifty patches on his body. Now the instructions include
removal of
the old patch before applying a new one. DR. REBECCA ST. CLAIR,
NORFOLK,
VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered...."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was
alive."


DR. STEVEN SWANSON, CORVALLIS, OR.


I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I
can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked
to
see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."


DR. LEONARD KRANSDORF, DETROIT, MI.


A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady
upon
whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further
embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm
sorry,. was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you
were
whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'"