"Having sex at 90 is like shooting pool with a rope"
George Burns

"That went over like a fart in a diver's suit."

"He just sat there and stared, like a dog watchin' TV."

"Doing a good job around here is like peeing on yourself in a dark suit. Sure, it gives you a warm feeling, but nobody notices."

There's no such thing as "idiot proof", as idiots are so ingenious.

I did not read all 22 pages so forgive me if these have already been posted!

"If it has tits, wheels or propellers you are eventually gonna have a problem with it"

For the person that constantly interrupts or jumps ahead & finishes your sentences I retaliate with either;
Who is telling the story you or I
or
Oh ok why don't you go ahead and finish the story when they apologize & pipe down I insist they continue

Normally results in crickets from the interrupter & laughter from others!!

When ordering a drink at a restaurant & asked what I'd like I ask "how much are your sodas?" to which they respond $$$, "how much are your refills?" the normal response is FREE so I just tell them I'll have a refill!

You may also order a soda or diet soda no bubbles please. I normally never look up from my menu.

If it flies, floats or f@*ks it's cheaper to rent.

Words to live by. :)
Eat slower.
Drink faster.
F''k harder.
C|_|m often.

If something's worth doing, it's worth doing well.

I live by this and at times it sucks. I wish I could just slap something together.

To each their own

You've analyzed til paralyzed

We call it "Paralysis by Analysis", the ability to talk oneself out of every great idea in fear of "What If?"

a lot of truth is said in jest

Busier than a dog in a cat sh!t eating contest